for therapy tomorrow
Gym girl made me feel like everything I was afraid of didn't matter.
That experience made me believe I could share and be my full self and still be worthy.
Until I wasn't.
~
I'm not ok right now.
And I don't know if it's from the EMDR yesterday or if it's right now is difficult or both.
And it's been radio silent about the desk chair. So either everyone is ignoring me or I'm being avoided.
So if I haven't heard anything by end of day today, I'm getting rid of it.
~
I did my EMDR exercise and that helped.
I grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled my thoughts and feelings and cried for a hot minute with my eyes closed. And I folded it and threw it away. And then opened my eyes, wiped my face, and put my cocoa butter on.
We did cocoa butter as a resource yesterday and bless God. It seems to be working.
~
Like, I bother you so much you can't even come to your fucking job at the business you own.
That can't be right, right?
You can't even send someone to grab a chair??
This is all so fucking crazy.
Meanwhile, everything is fine.
Everything is not fine and we need to talk, you little shit.
~
This is so stupid.
And I don't know why I'm letting it bother me but then again I do.
Because it's dumb.
And you don't want me or anything to do with me fine. But at some point you're gonna have to stop running and face what you did.
~
I feel like:
What am I?
What was that?
What happened between us?
It feels like a dream that I'm remembering.
You hurt me. You really fucking gutted me.
And I let you in to do that.
And that's scary. You scare me.
How can someone do that? Why did I trust you?
I'm terrified of letting you anywhere near my heart ever again.
Because you did not handle it with care or caution.
You handled it with fear. You dropped it and kicked it under the table.
~
I'm tired of letting people get off scott free with hurting me.
~
My emotions were heightened and I let them ride out while I sat back and listened.
I was in my car running work errands and kept going back and forth between "message her on Instagram and say we need to talk" and "don't do it, what if she says no or gives you some professional bs talk".
She is in full preservation mode. Everything is fine on the surface and she's running with that. And I'm basically doing the same fucking thing.
I don't think there is a solution in having a conversation with her. I think it's just going to upset me more. I think I just want to yell at her and cuss but then I also don't want to hurt her feelings. Not because I care about how it would make me look, I don't want to hurt her.
But she hurt me. And back and forth again.
And honestly, if we couldn't have one conversation to clear things up during everything, we are not going to have one now.
She is either a coward or a villain and I honestly don't give a fuck.
But I know she's not my happy ending and she is not my gahdamn friend.
Happy endings don't trigger you. Happy endings don't make you cry until you're shaking.
So I blocked her personal page on Instagram and Facebook.
Because I don't have to watch you live your best life and you don't get to watch me try and do the same.
Fuck you, you stupid bitch and I actually feel sorry for your fucking girlfriend.
~
We're not gonna come to terms and she's never gonna face me. So you will be shut out forever.
My attraction taken out of it, you pushed me to let you in. You were so adamant about helping me and then you disappeared without notice.
Fuck you.
I opened up to you and now I'm left to deal with more hurt caused by you by my fucking self.
We got too close too fast and I hate myself for it.
Thank you for teaching me what it is to be a fucking idiot, you dick.
~
You were the best and the worst thing to ever happen to me.
And because you are living your life (outside of the gym at least) as if nothing has changed, you are more of the worse than the better.
Fuck you very much.
I hope you're uncomfortable until you sit down and are able to be honest with me.
I don't even want anything from you. I don't want to be mean or rude or ugly.
I just want answers and I'm certain that you won't give me the ones only you have.
~
You will never fully know me ever again in your fucking life.
And you will never, ever have access to me again.
And I pray you never do this to anyone else.
I can't believe I thought I could trust you.
~
You have ironically become one of the worst things that ever happened to you.
And I hope you're fucking happy.
~
Somebody came and grabbed the chair.
Of course, like always, as soon as I reach a breaking point, it's like she fucking knows.
But it's never the ones that actually matter.
~
And I know she's not really a fucking villain. She can't even show her face anymore.
Which honestly makes her even worse of a villain.
If I wasn't sure where to place her during all of the everything, I definitely have no fucking idea where to put her now.
Put I know it needs to be away from me.
~
Ugh. I can't believe this is where we are.
Where I am.
I can't believe this is where I am.
She's literally on my Block List.
This is nuts.
~
Everything feels surreal right now and I have this feeling that it isn't over.
But also, how could it not be?! There's no fucking way.
I'm really hoping and praying that she is not there this weekend.
But I'm also excited to have fun with my new gym friend.
I just cannot believe we've gone from sharing and flirting to avoiding and now me fully blocking her.
I don't want that. I don't want any of this.
But I also don't want things the way they are. I don't want this.
~
I'm so ready for therapy tomorrow it can't get here fast enough.
Maybe if I'm lucky we can go over time a little.
I just need somewhere to be safe and cry and express and not feel judged.
~
Still emotional, so I'm just letting things rip.
Nipple Boy wanted to drink my fucking bath water and I should've let him.
At least he would have been more appreciative of me. Probably would've worshipped the ground I walked on. We could've played video games together, cooked together. Who knows?
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