dreams

I told myself I wasn't gonna write this dream down.

But I think I should. 

I had a dream about her last night. 

I'll skip the strange parts. I was watching Futurama before I fell asleep so I think the two merged lol.

Basically, the gym was on this two ship cruise and me and gym girl had a room next to each other. I had a roommate, she did not.

In the dream, I guess I'd told her we needed to talk. Because-- oh! There's this.

My boss was also in my dream. I don't know where we were or why. But I did tell her we needed to talk. And I was panicking and I could feel myself passing out. I was at a sink in a kitchen like area. I felt it coming and I called his name because he was in the next room. I told him I was going to faint and I grabbed the sink tight with one hand to brace myself.

I maneuvered myself to the ground as he came in to help me. I was fading out and he was right beside me and I think another one of my work friends was on the other side of me. As blackness took over my view I told them I was gonna be ok but I just needed to pass out. I'm fine. And I was out. But I still could hear them and kind of see them. And I was slobbing a little as he held my head. And they didn't call the ambulance because I didn't want that. That's why I was telling them I was ok.

And as soon as I thought, maybe I'm not gonna pass out I was out like a light for a few minutes. And then I came to and like took a hard breath in and jerked my head up. They were still there and I forgot what happened next.

Also the dead lady from church was there either before or after. I think after. Once I was fine she waved bye to me like only she can. But she wasn't as old as she was when I grew up with her. She was old but maybe like in her 60s.

Cut to the gym girl coming to my room. It was night time and she came to my door and told me we should talk now. We were supposed to talk the following day so I was like fuck, ok.

My roommate was asleep so she waited inside by the door as I threw on some clothes. I met her at the door and as we were walking out I was like do I need shoes and she said no im not wearing any. Sure enough, I looked down and she was barefoot.

(Also, now that I think about it neither of us would ever be on a cruise ship because we both hate the thought of endless bodies of water surrounding us.)

As I stepped out I was like crap, wait I forgot my glasses. I did something I'd never do in real-life, I grabbed my roommate's glasses because they were closer and put them on. I guess because I was rushing. And I looked through them and immediately said no. We have very different prescriptions. I told her I needed to run and grab mine and she said ok and went out the door.

I grabbed mine and headed out soon after. But she wasn't outside like I thought she'd be. I looked at her room and the door was slightly open and I could see that some kind of light was on. I pushed the door a little and called her name before going in side.

I saw her, sitting in bed teary eyed. Her hair was slightly curly and down and kind of bigger. She was beautiful.

And I stared at her and said her name as a question. And she said maybe we should just talk tomorrow. She looked so defeated it broke my heart. And I gave myself a second and asked why? I think she said she knew what it was about and didn't want to have the conversation. She didn't want coached to be mad at her for stupidly pursuing this girl at her gym and getting closer than she should and just a few months and for people to be right. And she started crying and I sat down in bed with her and started tearing up.

And I was thinking you own the gym, who cares what people think.

And I said so you know? And she said yes. 

And I started crying. And she laid down on her back and I laid beside her, staggered enough to put my head on stomach.

And we just had a very honest conversation about it all. I wanted to ask her why and all this different stuff and instead I just asked something about one specific moment. She laugh and answered exactly what I'd been assuming. And then I laughed. 

And we laid there talking. And she said she didn't want things to end or didn't want to lose me.

I told her I didn't even think she would be attracted to me. And she asked why. And I was like I just didn't. The height difference, I was like twice your size, I'm still kind of twice your size. And she ensured me I was wrong and joked and said something about the fact she eats alot and I'll see that later in the kitchen. And I laughed.

And the next thing I knew, we were sitting up in her bed in front of each other, all smiles and she was catching me up on life and I was so happy.

At one point she was rambling on about how someone owed her money and how they'd began paying her back recently and on and on. And I was listening but I wasn't. I was just staring at her, taking the moment in.

And I was so turned on. There was a moment when I was laying on her stomach and because of my positioning I remember looking at where her legs met and thinking if a just rolled over right now I could be with her. And I just wanted her to flip over on top of me and take me.

And that feeling made me wake up. The feeling that usually pulls you deeper into the dream was the one that woke me up. I knew it was a dream and I didn't want to do that to myself. 

I woke up and regretted not staying in the dream but also knew I had to wake myself up.

I couldn't do that to myself. I'm literally officially ending things tomorrow and here I am dreaming about her again. Dreaming that we end up together.

And that's why I didn't want to write about it.

And now I'm crying.