a week later

Well, it's been a week.

I did start taking Vitamin D this weekend so my mental exhaustion feels better. 

And I hung out with my other friend that lives like an hour away. It was very chill, honest catching up. It was fun. Cackling, connecting, all the things. I always enjoy hanging out with her. And we made plans for next month too!

Other than that, weekend was pretty chill. I really took my time physically to give my mental some much needed rest and reset.

My mind was wrapped around gym girl the entire time. So I really had to be patient with myself.

Wondering how she's feeling, what she's thinking, did I upset her, does it even bother her, and on and on and on. Reliving the meeting, then thinking I maybe did upset her, maybe that's why she ran. But then I'd reread my entry from that day and remember what it was like being there with her.

I know how all of this sounds but I also know how I still feel.

Our connection feels like the realest thing I've ever felt. 

I ran for so long and the moment she got to me, she got me. And then it's like we collided so fucking fast and it felt so natural. Like we are or were inevitable.

It sounds ridiculous. And because I haven't seen her in a while, it feels ridiculous. 

But the moment we're around each other, it feels like something that's supposed to happen. 

And I'm pretty sure that's why she's running. I know that's why I ran.

And it took everything in me not to unblock her just to see. Just to give her me in the way she can have me.

But none of this peek-a-booing each other will ever work. It just won't.

I really want her to just fucking let go and have me. But I don't know. 

All of this wasn't supposed to happen but it has and here we are.

I was attracted to this girl and tried my best to avoid her. She found her way to me and her being effortlessly knocked down every wall I've ever put up. And then we basically had this emotional affair and grew closer than we should have faster than I ever thought possible. And then her girlfriend popped out bubble and we both ran away from each other. 

And now, I've put myself out there. Her popping up at the gym right after I blocked her, looking angry as ever was the final reminder that something is happening here.

And being in that office with her, seeing her face in various states of confusion, pain, joy, and resonation. It felt good. It felt real.

And I keep going back to her response: I am in a committed relationship. 

All I said was that I blocked you, we shouldn't be friends, and that I like you.

And you say you're in a committed relationship. 

Why was that her reaction? What does that mean? If you weren't in one things would be different? Why say that in that way.

*Deep breath*

I just don't know with her-- with us, if there even is an us anymore.

Being around her, it's like we're drawn to one another. And I know that's partially why she's made herself scarce.

Her popping up that say solidified that.

And also, why pop up and not say anything to me? Was that just to let me know she noticed and was hurt but without letting me know? 

My ability to read her should not be a thing and vice versa.

What are the chances of so many things between us happening coincidentally?

I just want her to be honest. I want her to speak up. Say your truth so I know what that is.

But I also don't know if I want to subject myself to what might just be pain.

And all of that fear still exists even after that meeting with us went so well.

Because I still care. Because I would love to be her friend. If we did basically do the same thing, wanted to be close to each other in whatever way we can, I completely understand that.

Because I just want to be near her. I want to hear from her. And a part of me knows I will take whatever she'll give me because that's how much I want her.

But that meeting was meant to stop that cycle for me. That meeting did stop that cycle for me.

I don't reeeeaaally know how she feels. I know what I think I know. 

But now she knows exactly how I feel, where I've drawn the line, and how.

So, now we let time tell the rest of the story.

~

I'm pretty sure I love her and that can't be right, right?

Am I just smitten, maybe? Infatuated?

But I also know her. I know some of her dark and some of her light. And vice versa.

I'm very curious to know what she is thinking because I really want to know how that felt for her to hear. That no, I'm not turning my back on you because you shared intimate things with me and now I don't like you. I'm running from you because you shared intimate things with me and I like you too much.

~

Aaaaaaaand my concert got postponed.

Fuck, man. I have been looking forward to that. It was gonna be my big distraction after all of this AND I wouldn't have to go to the gym.

Now I'm going to the gym, looking like a stripper. *crying internally*

And I don't get to have fun. I have to workout which is a completely different kind of fun I didn't plan on tonight.

~

Well, guess who was there teaching the 5pm class?

I'm pretty sure I'll be crying on the way home. 

Which is juuuuust great.

~

So I did cry on the way home. As expected.

I feel regret, longing, disappointed, sad. Very sad.

I know this is just my parts. And I also can and can't believe it took a whole week for it to hit me.

I feel stupid. I feel like I made a huge mistake. I feel really sad.

Today wasn't supposed to go this way.

Today was supposed to be "perfect." (I know)

It was gonna be cold so I ordered these special tights to match my outfit and keep me warm. I got all dressed up and was so excited this morning. I couldn't wait to posty outfit and be cute and have a good time today.

A part of me wanted gym girl to see it on Instagram once I posted my recap video and eat her heart out for what she fumbled.

Instead, I am on the toilet, letting my bath run while I cry and journal.

And the gym wasn't even bad. It was actually fine. Nothing out of the ordinary happened.

But it just became real I think. Last week I kept going back and forth between feeling like it was a dream and remembering that it really happened.

Today solidified that it did happen. I felt it and I didn't like it all that much.

I wasn't even upset until I was leaving.

I mean I was disappointed about the concert and I was a little embarrassed to be showing up to the gym all dolled up, and stripperesque.

And then I walked in and heard her teaching class.

One of the girl coaches spoke and chatted me up, complimenting me and giving outfit a once over. And I explained I was supposed to be at a concert but it got postponed yadda yadda.

And we talked and laughed for a hot minute. And the guy she was training checked me out.

I went and changed and got ready for class. I only sat on the floor for a bit, activity looking wherever gym girl wasn't coaching. But I did catch glimpses of her and my vagina definitely noticed.

And then my class started and I went in to grab a spot and grab gear. I thought I'd planned it perfectly-- gym girl was walking and talking and I started to head her way as she was leaving to grab what I needed. And then she stopped and went the other way, where I couldn't avoid her. And I tried to sneak right past and she turned around to speak to me. 

It honestly jolted me because I thought I would make it past her. I thought she would ignore me. But she didn't. She spoke and held out her fist and I jumped back a bit and then fist bumped her with my sweatshirt covered hand. (it's cold here now)

And we both smiled and kept going.

During warmup, I did catch her walk behind me so she could speak to one of my gym friends who's a bit older than me.

And then she came in later during our last workout to show some people the gym. I heard her and saw her silhouette but didn't look her direction. I just stayed focused on my workout.

And then I heard her at the desk as I was leaving. And I tried to waste time to see if people would go in there and talk to her so I could sneak past. I wasted as much time as I could and then I went to make a run for it and saw her standing towards my direction and talking to some people in the gym.

I felt rejected in the moment for some reason.

It's what I wanted, to leave and not have to speak to her. But it wasn't on my terms.

I feel like I gave my power away. I feel like I gave her more than she deserved.

And I know that's just how I feel right now. I don't regret what I did, but I did regret it today.

And I saw the notes about the Christmas party at the gym. I'm not going.

I have been looking forward to it but I'm not going.

Everyone I'm friends with at the gym either has a close friend they bring or they're coupled up. And it's highly likely that gym girl and her girlfriend will be there.

I don't need that. I don't want that. I don't want to be there and feel alone. And be alone.

And that's partially why I feel regret in this moment.

I gave up a lot. I lost enough. And I'm just really sad right now.

I feel like it's all my fault. Like I did something I shouldn't have.

But I know I did something that was necessary because I wanted to. I'm tired of not having the conversations. I'm tired of avoiding. I'm tired of burning things down.

So this is what it feels like to purposefully scrap and rebuild. 

Purposefully scrap and rebuild.

I can do this.

I keep hearing my friend yesterday tell me how brave I was to do what I did.

I am brave. I am enough. I am trying.

Crying doesn't take that away. Feeling regret doesn't take that away.

Are these growing pains? Fucking, ay.

I'm not masking. I'm not hiding. I'm not running away.

I'm standing firm, kinda sorta lol. Feeling my feelings and taking care of myself.

I'm doing the work that most are unwilling to do. And I honestly understand why and I don't fault others.

It's fucking hard. It's hard.

~

I feel better now.

Also, her ability to speak to me as I was trying to sneak by just reminds me of her blatant inability to speak to me when her girlfriend was there.

God, what have I gotten myself into?

~

I really don't understand any of this?

Why did we happen? It all just feels like a really crazy dream.

"Are you ok?"

"I was thinking about our conversation last night and wanted to see how you were doing"

"I'm figuring out things with my girlfriend"

"I feel like there's something else you want to talk about"

"Are you doing class today? I'll be in there"

"Have you seen the movie The Dutch. It's one of my favorites"

"Watch this" *proceeds to open the wrong door for me*

"I've had people turn their back on my before"

The stare, the confidentiality conversation, all the coincidences.

I have never been so confused.