what living looks like

As much as I enjoy sharing parts of my journey with people close to me, I also don't sometimes. I have my work friend a rundown of gym yesterday sans me crying because I wanted to get her initial reaction. And she basically said 'yeah, this would be awkward. But it happens to everyone and she's older than you so she understands" I don't like that. That makes me sound like a child and I am not a child. And it makes me feel silly, as if I conjured all this up and it's just me who's been in my feelings and gotten too attached on accident. As if I wasn't led on in the slightest. And then my best friend got the whole of everything and I only shared it to lean into my vulnerability and she didn't know how to really help me. She earnestly tried but it also felt like I was being treated like a baby. "You know regret is normal. And you shouldn't feel bad." Yadda yadda. And when I told her I was sad because the gym Christmas party is coming up a...

Well, it's been a week. I did start taking Vitamin D this weekend so my mental exhaustion feels better.  And I hung out with my other friend that lives like an hour away. It was very chill, honest catching up. It was fun. Cackling, connecting, all the things. I always enjoy hanging out with her. And we made plans for next month too! Other than that, weekend was pretty chill. I really took my time physically to give my mental some much needed rest and reset. My mind was wrapped around gym girl the entire time. So I really had to be patient with myself. Wondering how she's feeling, what she's thinking, did I upset her, does it even bother her, and on and on and on. Reliving the meeting, then thinking I maybe did upset her, maybe that's why she ran. But then I'd reread my entry from that day and remember what it was like being there with her. I know how all of this sounds but I also know how I still feel. Our connection feels like the realest thing I've ever felt. ...

Me are mentally exhausted.  *heavy siiiiiiigh* I feel good other than being mentally exhausted. My eyes are very tired and I feel like I just want to sprawl out and nap.i might just sprawl out for a minute.  Ooooor sit on the toilet... I'm gonna sit on the toilet. ~ Aaaaalrighty. I got a few things knocked out before I came to pop a squat lol.  I opened the curtains to let some sunlight in and now I'm just gonna relax for a bit. Maybe even poop. Who knows? ~ I did poop lol. And I went to the gym. It was good. Gym girl wasn't there and we had the option of doing partner workout. Aaaaaand there is another girl I've seen around the gym who is really cute and miiiight be a lil gay. And we partnered up for today. It was good. She definitely seems very hit it and quit it. Which, in this case, is fine by me lol. Idk. I don't know where gym girl's head is and so I'm gonna just keep moving forward. She knows why I blocked her, she knows that I like her. Soooo yeah. B...

Sooooo I have woken up slightly panicked the last two nights. I wake right up, my heart racing thinking ohmygah what the fuck did I do? And then I let myself freak out, I control my breathing and fall right back to sleep. I've also caught myself trying to overeat the last two nights. Yesterday my distraction was going to Trader Joe's with my work friend when our Internet went down. And I bought myself new flowers and my very first advent calendar. I'd figured it'd be a fun little thing for me to look forward to counting down the days til Christmas. Went to the gym for the first time since Monday yesterday and gym girl was not there. Don't know why but she wasn't. Neither was her coach friend... I don't know. But I went and did the class and had fun. It felt fine. I was initially nervous but it was good.

I have never felt more in my body than I have after telling gym girl how I felt  Yesterday at work, me and my work friend chatted the day away lol. I updated her on gym girl and then we worked and then we wasted majority of the day cackling and telling each other stories. I told her about my previous Dom and she was like 'aaaaah that makes sense'. And then we talked BDSM and I actually gave her some tips on a few things she can use to reintroduce spice into her life. Last night I got high and it was an experience lol. Mostly I couldn't believe I told gym girl how I felt. I just kept reliving that moment and if felt like a dream lol. Her reaction, my awkwardness. It made me feel real. It made me feel alive. And I kept vividly imagining what our life would be like together if we did end up together. And I would immediately change the channel. But I did briefly enjoy those thoughts. And as much as I don't like getting close to Leo I literally put myself right out there. I ...

I really enjoyed myself last night.  I was too excited and giddy to eat my food. I stayed on the phone with my best friend all night. I sent my other best friend voice notes the entire way home.  I came TWICE! I slept like a baby. I did wake up at 3 and fell right back to sleep. And then I woke up around 5 and was too excited to go back to sleep. I was so happy. I'm still happy with a little nervousness. Overthinking is knocking but I kept telling it to let us enjoy these moments. I am mentally exhausted. I can feel it in my face so I am trying to slow myself down.  But I am happy.

Welp. It's day of. I went to sleep around 10 pm last night, and which is early for me. Woke up around 3:30ish this morning like clockwork. Peed and then struggled for an hour to go back to sleep. I kept imagining what it would be like to rub the massage oil I use on my self care day on gym girl when she's fresh out of the tub and vice versa. Fell asleep and had two weird dreams that I really don't want to talk about. And then fell asleep off and on for the last hour or so. And now I'm laying in bed, needing to poop. Ok. Here we go. ~ Really quick. Hello, Inner Child me. Hello fear. Today we are making it known that our needs have been and will continue to be put first. I care about you because you are a huge part of me. You're my foundation to life. Today, we're doing two metaphors lol. We are fixing our foundation and we are setting a precedent. You don't have to do anything but be there. Me right now will handle the talking. Me right now will navigate the ...

I'm taking a break from cooking to cry a little bit. I'm not dreading tomorrow but I'm also not thrilled. I'm a little scared. ...uhm. I don't want to do this. But I know I need to do this for myself. I want her to know because she needs to hear it. One of us needs to say something. ...fuck me. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to write. I did find a little of my anger this morning and wanted to be petty. So I decided to use that anger to buckle down and use a liiiiiiiittle bit of my petty to give her a clue of what she can expect. I don't care if that makes her run, I don't care if it makes her armor up. I don't want to pick a fight either. I just want to let her know what she can expect. And I also don't want to back out of this. So I scheduled a text to go out tomorrow morning. It asks if she's still up to meet and tells her it shouldn't take very long. The petty part of me wanted to say it should take about 15 minutes as...

I told myself I wasn't gonna write this dream down. But I think I should.  I had a dream about her last night.  I'll skip the strange parts. I was watching Futurama before I fell asleep so I think the two merged lol. Basically, the gym was on this two ship cruise and me and gym girl had a room next to each other. I had a roommate, she did not. In the dream, I guess I'd told her we needed to talk. Because-- oh! There's this. My boss was also in my dream. I don't know where we were or why. But I did tell her we needed to talk. And I was panicking and I could feel myself passing out. I was at a sink in a kitchen like area. I felt it coming and I called his name because he was in the next room. I told him I was going to faint and I grabbed the sink tight with one hand to brace myself. I maneuvered myself to the ground as he came in to help me. I was fading out and he was right beside me and I think another one of my work friends was on the other side of me. As blackness...

Welp. I'm up and have been up for hours now. So I'm brushing my teeth and getting ready for the Halloween competition today.  Am I nervous? Yes. Mostly about gym girl.  I think the competition will be fine. ~ Just pulled up. Sitting in the car. Shaking from nerves but also, it's cold.  Ok. Here we go. ~ Welp. I'm inside. And she's already found time to come and make funnies at me. Could be a coincidence because she was also plugging in fans. I also tried to make a funny back and it did not land. The idiot is strong with this one. ~ I am not ok. Didn't even last 10 minutes after the workout. I called my best friend to catch up from yesterday. Right when I was getting to the awkward parts she stopped me because she was on the clock. Which is fair. Not mad at it. She told me she'd call me on her break. We hung up. And then the tears started. And the ugly crying came soon after. And it's been slowly off and on. I'll soothe myself. Take a mental break. An...

It's Friday now. It was Friday two orgasms ago lo (see the last entry). I had a hard time going back to sleep. I just kept thinking about her and kept trying to not think about her. But yesterday reminded me of brunch, when I was smiling at my phone and she clocked it and called me to attention by pulling me into conversation. I don't know what she's doing. I don't know what she wants. She didn't choose me. She has a girlfriend.  Like, we both know what's happening here. But also, what is happening here? Why is she so pressed? From where I'm standing,... I can't. I can't even fathom any of this. I was taken back yesterday. ~ Well, we're probably gonna talk on Monday. I passed by the gym on my way back from the bank today and didn't see her car. So I was like 'cool, she's not even there today' And then I got ready to go to the gym at 5pm and I got nervous again.  And then I pulled in to the parking lot and saw her car. As I was wal...

I accidentally poked the bear today. Well two days ago really. I don't know what to really say about it. Here's what happened: So I blocked gym girl two days ago because I was hurt and angry and didn't want to message her just because of it. And we need more space between us. And also, being on her page made me cry. So I blocked her.  And...so today I was really really nervous about going to the gym. Which was weird because I'd literally ran in and out just yesterday and was fine. But today I was nervous and I kept thinking I was going to see her today. Which was dumb because I hadn't seen her in months at the gym. And what were the chances she'd be there. I was very convinced that she wouldn't even bring up the fact that I blocked her and so that's why I did it. I was semi-wrong and right. I walked into the gym and she was sitting at the front desk. My immediate thought: fuck, I'm in trouble. I hadn't seen her in forever and for her to be sittin...

I have heat in my car, thank God. And my water pump and thermostat were replaced and my brakes were maintained. And $2000 later, my car feels comfortable again. No more looming stress about getting the heat fixed yet again. I took control. I bit the bullet. Ohmygah, something clicked. I learned how to manage expectations at the car shop and the doctor.  What if I use that same method with gym girl? What if I go back to my therapy basics? Take the fear with me along with 3 things I want to make sure I get done. Ok. If and when the conversation with us happens, here are my three things: - I would like to know your honest side of things about what happened between us. - I don't think we can be friends. We can be friendly but I don't think we can be that close and only be friends. - I want you to know I do hate where we are now but I don't hate you. You did hurt me but I don't hate you. I'm actually very grateful for the time we shared. And I'm going to miss it alot...

I'm fully aware that dead men can't talk. But if they could, here's what I wish they'd say. I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that silence was easier than giving voice to truth. I'm sorry running was easier than staying. I'm sorry that pride was more important than love. Dead men cannot talk. They can no longer communicate with us. They cannot make amends. But the rest of us can. I would like to encourage everyone in this room today to leave recognizing what unresolved issues look like. It looks like resentment. It looks like unmet needs. It looks like pain. The most ironic part about death is that such a beautiful, eternal rest can leave so much unrest behind. As we all leave here today in various states of mourning, I would like to share what I believe the beauty of life really is. Life is a journey endlessly shared between those we know and strangers we'll never meet and we're all doing the same thing-- we're trying. We are all trying to move forward...

I just had the most realistic dream that gym girl posted a video to her Instagram to explain that her and her girlfriend are no longer together. And how she's taking the time to see what actually makes her happy. It was weird. It was like midday almost night in the video and it looked like she was sitting at a camp fire and you could see that her girlfriend was sitting right next to her but only a portion of her body was actually in the video. And her face looked pained. She proceeded to tell people she appreciated everyone reaching out to her to check in and ask questions and ensured them she was fine but needed to take some time.  It was like time had passed and I'd finally unblocked her and went scrolling on her page randomly to catch up. And there it was, sitting on her timeline.  And my hearr fluttered. It felt like our time was finally coming. It was the first time in a long time that I felt happy and hopeful.  I felt that nervous joy I feel when I look at her. All ...

I woke up nervous. I'm off work today so I can take my car to the shop to price getting my heat fixed. I normally would be nervous about the price of that. But this nervousness feels different. I don't know. I am going to the gym today but only for a second. And then I'm immediately driving to therapy. So I don't really know what I'm nervous about for sure. In the back of my mind, it has something to do with her. But how? Why? She's not going to message me from the gym number or Instagram page. And she's definitely not messaging me from her page. I'm safe away from her. I highly doubt she has the balls to use her number. Especially after all that is this shit storm. I also reread my diary entries about her last night. I really really tried to handle this well and I think I did a pretty decent job. But that week of her flirting heavily seemed to really be the breaking point. And I wondered this before and rereading makes me wonder again if one of her gym ...

Gym girl made me feel like everything I was afraid of didn't matter. That experience made me believe I could share and be my full self and still be worthy. Until I wasn't.  ~ I'm not ok right now. And I don't know if it's from the EMDR yesterday or if it's right now is difficult or both. And it's been radio silent about the desk chair. So either everyone is ignoring me or I'm being avoided. So if I haven't heard anything by end of day today, I'm getting rid of it. ~ I did my EMDR exercise and that helped.  I grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled my thoughts and feelings and cried for a hot minute with my eyes closed. And I folded it and threw it away. And then opened my eyes, wiped my face, and put my cocoa butter on. We did cocoa butter as a resource yesterday and bless God. It seems to be working. ~ Like, I bother you so much you can't even come to your fucking job at the business you own. That can't be right, right? You can't even...

I woke up less crying, more angry. Because in catastrophizing what it would look like to hold her accountable, all I could imagine is her throwing "you knew I had a girlfriend" in my face. But it donned on me this morning-- "but did your girlfriend know about me?" Because the second she showed up, I became no one to you. You fucking little coward. Marine, my ass. That shit means nothing. I don't even want to have a conversation with her anymore. But if she wants too-- sure, I will gladly hold your ass to the fucking fire. Thank you so fucking much for pressing me to let you in, giving me your time and attention, making me comfortable, and then triggering me so badly I had to enlist a fucking trauma therapist. Because of you. Yet another person who doesn't know where to place me. ~ I lied. She owes me a conversation and an apology. If I'm not leaving the gym, she can't avoid me forever and I'm not going to play nice with someone who doesn't wa...