you were right; don't do it

Stay away. 

Stay far away.

You were right. You saw her Story. And then she saw yours. And then you saw her next Story.

And you were right.

It doesn't sting anymore but it is disappointing.

Forget her.

Move her messages out of your Inbox and stay away.

No one's worth your head being fucked with.

Crumbs are never enough. And she knows that from personal experience.

Stick to your guns. Stick to the script.

She isn't choosing you.

So fuck her.

We will not be getting closer.

We will not be getting together.

We will not be talking like that anymore.

Find someone new to get under.

Your old Dom is out because his feelings are hurt. 

She's out because take your fucking pick.

I'm out because I'm not doing this shit again.

This time I'm not sad. I'm angry.

Because GET OUT OF MY FUCKING ASS IF YOU ARE NOT TRYING TO LIVE THERE.

Fuck her and the horse she rode in on.

Enjoy what you've shared because you're not sharing any fucking more.

Run.

Also, don't lean into your anger just to use it against her. Give her the benefit of doubt until you know for sure she's fucking with you.

No more "will they, won't they". 

They fucking won't. 

Ever. 

For all I know someone out there is willing to drink my fucking bathwater with a smile, metaphorically speaking.

And I'm going to find them.

Because I am no one's secret.

I'm might be googly heart-eyed but I'm not fucking stupid and I know that for a fact.

So I'm gonna choose to be smart here.

Every time you see her, remember something:

You know what you want now and maybe that's all that was meant for.

Go find it somewhere else.

And to remind yourself of how smart you are, let's celebrate a few things:

- you didn't get too personal with her

- you were able to enjoy other people's company without getting too wrapped up in her

- you successfully avoided her for 80% of the walk that day

- you still haven't been on her page

- you haven't reached out to her

- you didn't break your date night this week even after Saturday's events

- you're not downing yourself about not being able to fully shake her 

- you keep showing up everyday when the old you would let her actions and my shame make me run

- you've been been writing your feelings

- you've been honest with your emotions

- you willingly broke this cycle this time. You intentionally went looking for what you knew  would be there to jolt you back on track

- you should be proud of yourself 

That felt good. I think that is the self compassion my therapist was talking about.

Also remember just because I can thrive in unhealthy environments doesn't mean I have to.

The moment this starts to feel unhealthy, leave the gym.

~

The entry above was at 4 am.

I will say I finally worked myself back to sleep and had the wildest dream.

I had a dream that men who hurt me where all leaving my house? Like legit had gotten up and where filing our the door.

I only remember 3 of them but I know there were more. My dad, my former pastor, and his son.

And as they were leaving I was mocking them, jeering them as a way to get back at them for hurting me. I literally insulted them individually as they were walking out the door.

Whew. Obviously that's gonna have to be unpacked.

I will say, before I went to sleep I asked God why again. Why this? I asked to either meet my person or have a hot girl summer and this is what I get? 

Confusion, pain, self-ridicule, disregulation? 

My body has been off the market for 28 years. To be fair to Him, now that I think about it, it wasn't for religious reasons. I just have intimacy issues.

But still... c'mon lol.

That's a long time.

Eff. Ugh. 

I'm salty. I didn't think I would never be hurt. I knew the risks. 

I guess I was just reeeeaaally hoping I wouldn't.

I've also decided to treat this more like a breakup. So I will be watching sad movies and crying over Taco Bell this weekend.

~

Ohmygah. I know the correlation.

The dream, this cycle of being in the shadows.

I'll have to elaborate later. 

But pastors son, years of hugging in secret and then he finally came on to me sexually

My mom gifting me secret gifts in the closet, us secretly enjoying stuff together, like the sonic ice cream thing

And now gym girl

I feel like I've internalized being only good enough to experience affection in the dark.

~

I've got 10 minutes and I'm gonna take some of that time to cry now.

It all makes sense.

And there's no way I can be friends with her.

I can't. There's too much there.

Too much in me.

We can be friendly but we can never be close again as just friends.

I can't believe it. I cannot believe this entire time I've thought I was only good enough to be a secret. Even though it's made me just as upset in the past, here I am again.

But this time, I was uncomfortable. So obviously I don't like it now. 

Now it's just a matter of managing.

~

I kept flexing curiosity and pissed offedness lol.

Fuck.

I did smile at my reminder I set this morning though. After I wrote here, I went and updated my mantras to be more centered around myself.

~

And my appetite is fully suppressed. 

It comes and goes frequently.

Just like these emotions.

Fuck this seesaw shit. Ugh.

~

I unintentionally set another boundary!

I've been pulling away from my family cause I'm so tiiiiiiiired of the neverending drama (ironically, enough lol).

But she commented on how I must not want any tea anymore, we don't talk.

And I said no, I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of the drama that affects me.

And she said the tea doesn't affect me (insinuating that's it not about me therefore should be entertaining conversation fodder). And I said if it's family tea, then it does affect me.

Bitch, I'm family lol.

I didn't even realize it wasn't happening until now and that was like 8 minutes ago and it came so naturally.

Gym bitch is next lol.

...and she's not a bitch *eye roll* Unless she's doing this on purpose. Fucking with my emotions on purpose would, in fact, make her a bitch.