to her

Well, this letter has been long overdue. 

The waves of me thinking about her keep getting larger. They always wash over me and subside but it's such an influx of emotions each time.

I spent this morning trying to lean into logic instead of emotions. I researched instant connection and chemistry to try and disprove my emotions or maybe find something to explain them away. Literally, quite the fucking opposite happened. We have both marked off things on MULTIPLE LISTS.

So then I researched if people on the other side of the instant connection can feel it. And saaaaaame fucking thing. 

Which brings me back to feeling sad and angry.

Fuck you.

Fuck you for feeling something. Fuck you for not ignoring it. Fuck you for not letting me ignore you. Fuck you for sharing. Fuck you for caring. Fuck you for giving me space.

For you for that week.

Fuck you for leaning in. Fuck you for knowing.

Fuck you for exploring this from the comfort and safety of your relationship.

I don't have that. I don't get to have that.

I am alone. And I was fine being by myself because I wasn't confused. I wasn't being led on. I wasn't feeling so many big emotions for anyone. I didn't have to be nervous or worried. I didn't have to open up.

I didn't have to cry. I didn't have to cry..

I do but I don't understand how you could feel even an inch of what I feel and not ignore me if you knew you weren't gonna do anything about it. 

If you're so into your girlfriend, why are you exploring things we me? Why are you letting me in? Why does time stop when we look at each other? Why is time irrelevant when we really talk to each other?

I didn't want to be hurt. I didn't want to feel this alone in my pain. At least in overt relationships people understand and know when their partner is hurting; it's a shared experience.

This pain is isolating. This heartache is isolating.

I don't understand how you can see me so clearly and I tell you what a big deal that is and you go out of your way to ignore me in class that day. Do you know how painful that was? How triggered I felt? To have someone I feel something for and have shared so much with choose fear in my fucking face? Especially when you were just flirting and reinitiating things the week prior?

Do you have any idea how much of a fucking idiot I felt like? How embarrassed I was? How ashamed?

And to then have you hide from me and speak to me behind my back? Do you know how terrible that made me feel? To seemingly not be good enough to be greeted with a little dignity?

I'm more confused than I was before but I'm also not.

You feel something. You've shown it in your actions, your words, but mostly in your ability to avoid and ignore me in front of your girlfriend. And then you bring her up in a meeting you called just to see how upset I was. 

I know you have a fucking girlfriend. That was supposed to make things easier. You were never supposed to look twice at me. You were never supposed to speak more than a few words in passing to me. You should have never-- we should have never done this.

Why would you lean in to me if you weren't going to choose me? Why am I good enough to explore, but not lay claim to? Why would you do any of this?

I like you so fucking much. But every time we're away from each other it's much easier to breath. I don't feel nervous. I don't feel unsure.

I don't want to waste all these feelings on someone who matches my energy but is only willing to hold on to me this way.

I don't think you'll ever choose me. And I don't know if I can put into words how hurtful that is.

Do I still want you? Yes. More than you'll ever know.

But you've shown me over and over again that you'd prefer to explore whatever this is while you love and build with someone else.

So, fuck you. How about we don't. I don't want to be someone's little side project.

You have a track record of leaning in, we share a moment and then you scurry away and start avoiding me. You aren't doing that this time and I blame myself. If I'd never gone to our last meeting, maybe you'd feel like I did. Confused, slightly panicked, a nervous wreck. I should have left you wondering just how badly you'd fucked up.

I'll do us both a favor, though. I'm scurrying away from you.

You want me but clearly not enough.

If you're gonna choose your girlfriend, more power to you. Just leave me alone.

Don't lean in. Don't look at me. Don't-- just don't do anything anymore.

If you want to pretend like you can't see me, keep pretending. I'm not s switch you can flip on and off.

And I'm so happy I've never called you by your name. At least I have that to hold on to.

You have brought me immense joy and comfort-- so much familiarity. And I am second-guessing every other day if the pain and emptiness I feel now is even worth it.

This year I asked God to either let me meet my person or give me a Hot Girl Summer.

Then I met you and sometimes I really wish I hadn't because you obviously are not ready for me. 

And I really wish you'd get to witness me enticed by someone else, tended to by someone else, flirting with someone else, laughing with someone else, touching someone else, enamored by someone else, be loved by someone else. 

Maybe then you'd feel exactly what I feel.