this morning's narrative

Tears are at bay this morning.

I have a very loud and ugly narrative in my head.

I feel dirty, unwanted, too damaged, too ugly, too mean, unworthy, too perfect.

Because why have I never experienced a romantic love?

I know the answer is because I've shut intimacy off from me.

But I keep thinking maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I've never been good enough. Maybe I never will be good enough.

I exist in a world full of people but I've never experienced romance. Never been truly pursued.

Am I only good enough to be this shiny trinket people fight over? Or this shiny, perfect trinket that no one can touch or possess?

Am I that off-putting?

I don't understand.

To have been this close to what felt like real attraction, genuine connection and be rejected?

That hurts.

What's wrong with me that no one wants me?

Even with feelings like this, I'm still left alone. Unwanted. Rejected. Not good enough to be first, so kept as a close second.

~

So now I'm crying over the sink at work because my trauma is telling me I must be worthless.

I'm 28 years old, never had sex, never been in love, never been in a relationship.

Am I that broken? No one wants me?

No one?

We can even scrap the relationship and love part?

No one wants to just fuck me and dip?

What's wrong with me? What's so unattractive?

What am I giving off that repels everyone?

~

Work was mostly shitty, not gonna lie.

It wasn't all shitty but it was 80% shitty.

So that fucking sucked.

And the President of the company (who I adore because he is the absolute best) emailed me during the chaos he didn't know was happening and congratulated me for being at the company for three years.

And I almost started crying because I didn't think I deserved this job when I got it. When I showed up on my first day, I thought they were gonna turn me away. I thought me being hired was a mistake and every day I went in to work, I was holding my breath, waiting for them to realize it.

And now I'm fully ingrained in this company, people trust me, and people love me.

He said he loved my smiling face and great attitude.

*Crying emoji, crying emoji, crying emoji*

Fuck.

I would've cried happy tears but then followed those up with sad ones. Because my origin at their company fits my trauma narrative. 

And my right now at their company shows my tremendous growth.

It gives me hope.

And I saw a fiiiiiine gentle sir at the gym today.

I was chilling on the couch, minding my business and he walked to the fridge beside me and said "hey" I looked up and almost gasped. He was beautiful and his smile melted my invisible panties.

And my vagina turned right back on because *whew*

He could've bent me up right then and there.

And then my friend at the gym asked me if I pledged in college to a sorority. And I was immediately flattered lol. And I said no, but I would've been an AKA. And she said that's what she thought. And then my head just got bigger because AKAs are the cream of the crop lol.

So today did get better in the end.

But I have been so triggered recently.

It's been hard.