sex drive's back

Welp.

My vagina is back in action.

The motivation isn't the best thing but I'm fully aware of that.

Shit.

Ok.

I can do this. 

She's just being kind.

She isn't flirting until she's actually flirting. She isn't attracted to me until she says she's attracted to me. She doesn't want me until she says she wants me.

She hasn't chosen me.

~

I'm also reminding myself that I'm not on my period anymore so it feels like I'm emotionally back in a good space.

So my feel-good emotions are very heightened.

Also, I'm really just trying so fucking hard to learn into logic just as much as emotion.

~

I also woke up to a notification that she liked my reply 19hrs ago....don't know how I got a notification like that so late AND ALSO trying not to read into it.

It's a standard practice to like a reply.

~

We had massages at work today and that was aloooot of physical touching. 

Whew.

And I wore a shirt that was very short because I didn't know we had massages today. Lots of skin was out and available for touching.

~

I am in a mood. Sorta like a funk.

I talked to my coworker friend today about gym girl and she had the same reaction to me. But then she brought up what's more than likely happening: if she is trying to have her cake and eat it to, that's not fair.

And she's not wrong. And now I'm in a mood.

Because if that is the case, that brings me full circle back to "welll, I guess it's fuck me, then"

Buuuuut I will say, if that is the case, I'm willing to put myself out there. Because I'm keeping my power in this situation. So if that means putting myself out there so she turns away, I'm willing to do that now more than I was before.

I re-read an old post last Friday that I screenshot because it resonated with me. It basically said when you put off short-term discomfort it leaves you with long-term disfunction.

I am tired of long term disfunction.

~

Just checking in before I start rubbing one out lol.

I was able to talk about her twice today without crying afterwards. So, growth. 

Seems like leaning into my honest feelings of hurt behind the pain and anger kind of help me come to terms with where I really am emotionally.

It also has helped me manage my attraction to her. It feels like something real and I have accepted that I may not ever get to experience that with her.

And that sucks. If it was solely up to me, I'd be wrapped around her finger. But that's not the case.

So I'm trying to find comfort in accepting myself as is right now.

My feelings are still in a bit of a swing but the pendulum hasn't had drastic swings like it has in the past so there's that. 

I just wish things could be different.