new therapy, who dis

I have my very first EMDR appointment in literally five minutes.

I'm happy. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm nervous.

My ass is sweating.

I told my coworker how nervous I was before I left and she ensured me that everything will be fine and if it's not, I don't have to keep going.

And then, as I was walking down the stairs getting ready to leave, I ran into FedEx. The guy was looking for our Suite (which no one hardly ever does) and I told him it was me/us.

So he handed me the package, asked for my signature and told me my hair was cute.

And first of all, stop it ohmygah lol. It surprised me because I don't get compliments from straight men very often. And his was really sweet and he wasn't creepy about it.

Kind of turned me on a little bit, not gonna lie. Also, doesn't take much lol. But it was a nice distraction.

I appreciated it.

~

I'll come back to talk EMDR. I saw her today. 

For the first time in what feels like forever.

And I was fully nervous on my way to the gym today for the first time in a long time. And I just had a feeling she'd be there. 

And she was. I thought she was gonna make herself invisible because as far as I know, she could have been there on the days I hadn't seen her.

And she was invisible for quite some time. Until she wasn't. 

I kept thinking I'd heard her or seen glimpses of her, but I hadn't and I was able to sooth and keep going.

But then I either looked up for a second or heard her voice. Either way, the moment I knew, I knew.

I don't know lol. She was there but didn't say anything to me. There were a lot of members around. So I ignored it and kept stretching, thinking maybe she'd leave after a little while.

And then I got up to go take a walk and saw she'd been standing off to my right the entire time. Her back facing the wall, front facing out towards me. Not at me, just towards me.

And I'm not gonna lie, I got a little pissed at that. Her being around, hanging around but not saying anything to me. Again. I think my face said it as I got up and glanced at her before I grabbed a few things and went outside. 

I had a nice little walk. Settled myself a bit.

And then I went back inside.

And I didn't know where she'd be because a class was getting ready to start. But I also couldn't see one side of class because the sun was in my eyes. 

But then I heard her-- talking about the AC to someone to my right, so I paid attention to my left. I spoke to one of my gym friends and then went to grab my stuff so I could leave.

I thought maybe I could leave without seeing her or speaking to her.

And as I was going to grab my bag, I saw a silhouette of someone walk by the window in the hallway that goes to the main office of the gym. I immediately thought "oh no, that's probably her....but maybe it's not"

So I fixed myself, grabbed my stuff and headed out.

And turns out, it was her-- she was standing at her computer, looking fake busy when I was leaving. Her friend coach told me bye but I had mouth full of water so I hummed bye lol. 

And then she looked up from her computer and spoke to me. It immediately disarmed me. It felt natural again. I looked over my shoulder and caught a brief look at her.

And I was caught in her web.

I don't know. It really seems/felt like she was putting herself where I was on purpose. Especially going from talking to someone in the gym one minute to going to the front desk as I was getting ready to leave.

Very coincidental. Just like the Instagram thing.

I thought when I saw her I wouldn't feel anything. I thought I'd forget what it felt like to be around her but I didn't.

There's like this magnetic pull there that makes no sense. And I really feel like she feels it. 

But maybe she doesn't think it's romantic. Idk.

But I do know I'll have the office to myself tomorrow. So I can chill out a bit. Lower my guard.

Maybe she doesn't feel like I do. Maybe she just thinks I'm a really cool person and she's happy to have met me. I don't fucking know.

But it feels like it's something else.

It feels like she's attracted to me to.

But she's not doing anything about it. She's not making it known. She's not pursuing me.

And I really thought I would cry when I left. Because I still really like her and I was really hoping seeing her would change that. But it didn't.

Seeing her reminded me of everything in an instant.  And I don't know what to do with that.

~

Aaaaaaand I just liked her Story.

I don't know. I don't know lol.

It was a sweet video that really resonated with me. 

Fuck me. 

Taking it one day at a time.

~

I don't know what it is about her that keeps putting me here.

~

I also totally forgot: my EMDR therapist also said that sometimes eating what I ate during the memory we used for my resource words could also work as a tool to help center me.

So dear future me: you were eating a pork quesadilla in one and and a chicken quesadilla in the other. And you were drinking different flavors margaritas in one and a frozen jalepeno margarita in the other.