ironically sexually frustrated

I know.

I haven't had sex but I've had many a solo orgasm.

And every since this shit with the gym girl has blown up in my face, I haven't really been able to enjoy myself.

I was in a slump for a while. I didn't want to touch myself. It seemed more like a chore than a treat. 

When I did want to touch myself, I didn't know what to watch. My porn has been very gay for the duration of this situationship. I couldn't close my eyes and fantasize because I would think of her. I couldn't listen to a book, because even if a guy was narrating I'd think of her. Same for reading.

So, of course, I reached out to my old Dom for some play time. He didn't have any time for me. 

So I finally just masturbated and tried to control my thoughts. Not fun at all. It fucking sucked. I mean, the deed was done but I didn't really enjoy it.

So then I kept doing that for a while just to do it. Then I found some porn audio of a guy walking you through your orgasm. That was fun. And then that got old.

So I reached out to my old Dom again and same fucking thing. And I wanted to cry.

So I just kept trying to get back on the horse, meanwhile trying to not think of her, not overthink why my old Dom has no time for me, while simultaneously telling myself I'm ok, this is just a season.

And it's a season I fucking hate.

I feel like I burned my Dom bridge with gym girl because I told him how I felt because he said I could. 

I feel like I fucked myself with even giving gym girl the time of day. It's ruined so much for me and it just keep trickling down. I'm tired. 

She doesn't want me. Fine. I've accepted that.

But then that led me down another path: does anyone want me? Will anyone ever want me?

If I could feel such a strong chemistry with her and I am 90% certain she feels the same and even she doesn't want me, where does that leave me?

Can I at least want myself? Fuck.

And I'm glad I'm writing because now this thought process makes sense.

I already didn't feel wanted because I've never had sex. I've never even been propositioned. And then I feel so much like a burden because I've never had sex. And then all the trauma stuff made me go "fuck, I've got too much baggage for anyone".

And to feel what I felt for her, to experience her handle my baggage, and to be as willing as I was to give myself to her if the moment ever presented itself, no wonder I'm in such a rut.

And my fucking period is on.

So, yeah. That's where I am currently.

To have experienced and to have been willing to experience so much of the hard stuff with her, it made me feel wanted. And to then have her basically publicly reject me fucking hurts. And now it's put my mind in this place of 'if I could feel and experience something so special with her and she still rejected me, will i ever be good enough for anyone that I want in my life"

Will I ever find my person? (Fuck, I'm gonna cry now.)

I've accepted the possibility of living life alone especially because I've never experienced anything as intimate as that relationship with her.

But now that I know how good that feels, it makes me sad. It makes me very sad.

Will I ever find my person or a I doomed to never be able to give my entire being to another? 

What if my future is me never finding or feeling the intimacy of a loving, romantic relationship?

What if I never get that?

And what if I'm the reason why?

What if I'm just not good enough?

Not good enough to fuck.

Not good enough to love.

Not good enough to choose.

~

I'm back because I'm crying and I'm sad and I'm mad.

Really, my video game came back today and it was supposed to be fixed and it's been two weeks and I sat down to play it and it's still broken.

Just like me.

Why did I do this? Why did I let her in? Why didn't I just run? Why am I not running now?

Why did I do this?

She's more than likely somewhere happy, living her best life, girlfriend in tow. And I'm at home in bed crying.

It's not fair. 

Why did I do this to myself? I never should've done this. 

Maybe I did get played. Maybe she just used me. Maybe I'm the fucking idiot. 

I'm taking her out of my Close Friends tonight and I really want to fucking block her. My close friends have never made me feel like this.

How? Just...how did I let this happen?

I'm so mad at myself and I'm really mad at her.

I fucking hate this.

And I know I'm on my period so my tears are partially because of that. But my feelings are the same.

I'm the only one that got hurt. I'm the only one that's hurting.

Fuck all of this. 

Just, fuck. 

Why did I even meet her, God I don't understand? I hate all of this right now in this moment I'm really fucking tired and hurt and I can't even find peace in my small bits of romance and intimacy I'd given myself.

I let her take that away from me and for what?

For me to let her in just to leave me by my fucking self?

What was the point? I'm left devastated and she gets to go back to life as usual?

I really want to hate her. I really fucking do.

I have to reconfigure my entire being and she gets to just pick back up where she left off.

I'm trying to figure out where to place her mentally and she's probably off planning a life with her girlfriend. 

I'm trying to figure out how to make staying at the gym work and she's probably just going about business per usual.

I'm trying to think of ways I can ignore and she doesn't even have to show up for work again if she never wanted to.

I'm crying in my bed in the dark and she's probably sleeping like a fucking baby.

Fuck. Fuck all of this.

And this is why I don't let people in. Because then they can fuck shit up and just leave like nothing happened. 

Wny did I trust her? Why? Why did I do this?

I don't understand. I don't get it. I keep feeling like it shouldn't have ended this way but it did. Maybe it shouldn't have even began. 

I should've just ran from the beginning. I should have never ever let her in.

Why would she do this to me? How could she?