in a bit of a mood

This girl is running circles around my head.

I will say, the EMDR has helped already. I get to use my two words to ground myself and sooth my thoughts. 

Also, I kind of just want to fuck someone to get her out of me almost.

I don't understand what this thing is. But I do know, if it's not going anywhere, I don't want it.

I don't want to repeat this cycle of good, but not good enough. 

She isn't choosing me. She has a girlfriend. She's just being nice.

~

Tonight will be a good distraction, though.

I'm skipping the gym and taking a small trip to a festival with my friend.

~

I may have to remember to stick my rule about her Stories. Because I'm very tempted but I'm willing myself not to.

I can trust myself to navigate whatever this is to the best of my abilities.

~

So I grabbed Taco Bell while I was out making deposits.

Aaaaaand I got a double take from the guy at the drive thru window.

And then he told me I had a beautiful smile.

That felt really nice. To be seen-- again. To be appreciated out loud.

And it was a reminder that I am prettier than I think I am. More attractive than I think.

AND somewhere out there is somebody willing to let me know.

Not from the shadows, but in the light.

Clearly and consciously. 

~

Still very turned on by the idea of her fucking the absolute dog shit out of me, gotta be honest.

The whole 'good girl' moment, her almost dropping the barbell on herself during an act out because of me rolling my tongue around, me dropping on my knees in front of her and her reaction to that, the first day I wore my nipple ring print and her reinitiating things, and seeing that she liked that dirty talk video.

I am hot right now.

Hot.

The fact that we might be into the same thing sexually makes things more frustrating.

Sexually, emotionally, and mentally.

*Sigh*

Ok. One day at a time.

~

While I wait in the parking lot on my friend and try not to watch gym girl's Story, I guess I'll start writing about EMDR.

I will be seeing her and my current therapist simultaneously, thank God. 

She was really nice. I was so scared lol.

As I imagined, I was crying damn near 10 mins in. We went over why I wanted to start EMDR, what I am looking forward to, some of my roadblocks. We discussed my coping mechanisms and she gave me a few more.

And then she did my first EMDR session to train my brain for 2 resources. Resources are basically words she trains my brain to recognize and take itself back to a happy, calm moment to ground me.

She asked me to think of something that could bring me down from a level 3 distress.

She has the vibrating machine. My honest to God first reaction was that I'll never look at vibrators the same lol.

And that one went well. And while she was discussing what different kinds of resources, I told her I do have a place in mind already cause she mentioned that could be one of I liked. 

And she was excited lol. She offered to give me another go and I accepted. I was so happy.

It worked strangely. Like I knew from reading that it's a very simple process. But it was so simple lol.

Lots of remembering, which I was nervous about because my memory isn't the best when it comes to certain things, mainly my childhood. 

So now I have one word for my post-therapy dinner I had after the gym girl fiasco. And I have one word for our family trip to Branson, post-that nigga getting the boot lol.

And once we start the more difficult memory pulling, she described it as basically revisiting a really difficult distressing trigger and using that to reprocess how I handle that trigger when it comes up present day. 

It's pretty cool. Very interesting.