distraction please

I would like someone to help take my mind and body off of gym girl.

I want someone who can and will give me everything I can't get from her and then some. 

I haven't seen her in days so there's been zero chemistry, zero tension but she still runs through my mind often.

I miss her. I miss seeing her, talking to her. 

I just keep telling myself she doesn't want me. 

She doesn't want me.

No matter what chemistry and tension may tell me, her actions say otherwise. 

She doesn't want me.

I now completely understand why people immediately jump into bed with a new person. 

I imagine it's a really good way to remind yourself that other people can give you the same plus more.

Since I can't have what I want, I would like to have the same plus more from someone else.

She doesn't want me and I don't know what to do with my unplaced feelings. 

How long does it take to get over someone?

Is there a trick? A code I can crack?

I'm just really tired of feeling stranded on this island, replaying every interaction we've had. Doubting myself and my feelings one minute and remembering why I shouldn't the next. 

It's a really difficult place to be and I don't know what to fucking do.

I feel like she swooped in to be kind, we got really close really fast, and then she just abandoned me. Which really fucking sucks.

So now I'm all alone in this space that I reserved for the two of us after I told myself not to do this and I feel like an idiot for even letting her in.

I feel like an idiot for sharing, for caring, for laughing, for enjoying her company, her attention. For checking her out, for holding her gaze, for spending time with her.

I gave her a lot really fucking fast and vice versa. I feel stupid for thinking my attraction to her could be ignored. I feel stupid for not backing out the moment I thought she was attracted to me.

She doesn't want me. 

So can I meet someone who does? Because rejection plus being treated like the plague is the fucking worst.

I just can't stop replaying her giving me her back in class in front of everyone. She couldn't even look me in the eye. That fucking sucked. 

I can't believe I even gave her the power to hurt me like that. 

I want someone who wants me-- someone to choose me.

All this heartache and everything and I didn't even get to touch her or her me. There was no physical intimacy. No touching, no holding, no kissing, no caresses. I didn't get to any of the bases.

Just tension. Fucking tension. 

All this trouble and I didn't even get to enjoy the really fun stuff. But I'm sure she did.

Fuck. She doesn't want me.