difficult times

I'm having a hard time this morning. Really this week. 

I keep wanting to know what's going on with her. Where she's been, is she avoiding me, is she giving herself space, is she frolicking with her girlfriend, are they moving in together, are they engaged and soon to wed? Lol

I know it hasn't been that long but given how flirty she felt for a week and how quickly she fell back into "I'm in a relationship" just has really fucked my head and heart up. 

So instead of romanticizing, I keep trying to go worse case scenario. 

It's taking everything in me not to go on her page, not to add her back into my close friends.  

I don't know. I don't know why I thought this would be a happy ending for me. I don't know why I thought she would choose me.

Today's starting off pretty rough but I haven't cried. So there's that. 

I did leave my gym bag at home. I don't want to go today because I just want to go to see if she'll be there I think. So I'm order to make sure I don't go, I left my bag at home.

And maybe I'll just go see a movie instead.

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I feel like I'm too smart to be feeling so stupid.

Gah! Ugh. 

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Ugh, again. I'm an idiot.

For reading into things, for believing a happy ending was possible, for putting myself out there.

For all the things, really.

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I keep thinking about different moments to remind myself how I got here. I find it really odd that the less we see each other, the more those moments feel like they never happened

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Again, never felt more like an idiot. I don't know if I can even look this girl in the eyes again.

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Maybe I should type another letter. Like a goodbye letter to the happy ending I romanticized for us.

Fuck. Feeling these feelings is ripping me a new one.

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I really like her. I think she likes me.

And maybe she only likes me as a friend. Maybe that's my problem. But also, she ignored me in front of her girlfriend sooooo I don't know. If I was just a friend, why do that to me?

But, she hasn't chosen me which means she doesn't really want me. 

Right? That has to be the case. 

I just really want this to make sense. 

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I still want her and idk what to do with myself.

Usually the longer I go without seeing her, the more of a refresh I get. It's like a nice little reset for my emotions.

For some reason, now it's just making me antsy and I don't know why or what to do with myself. 

I want what I can't have and because I had a tiny taste I am so fucked. 

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I want her bad. Even with and after all this bullshit, here I am.

And she doesn't want me. 

This unrequited shit is for the birds. 

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I am now wondering if she regrets any of this. 

The things she shared with me, the flirting, the teasing. I didn't fucking know.

Maybe she doesn't even think about any of this. 

Maybe it's just me, stuck in my head.

Fuck.

But, I mean, we were equally strangers that blindly trusted each other to hold some really heavy stuff. We got really close and really friendly really fast. 

I was rereading our text earlier today. Trying to find anything to confirm or negate anything. I don't fucking know.

We're going to have to talk at some point. And I really think I'm just gonna tell her. I am really attracted to you and need some space deal.

Because if I'm gonna be the only one left holding my broken heart in my hands, I'd prefer to do it in the comfort of my crying corner.

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I added her back in my Close Friends.  I don't even know at this point. 

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Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Fuck. What is this?

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I just know this girl is out here living and loving it up with her girlfriend while I'm stuck in limbo.

That's been the cycle and I'm sure that's still the cycle. 

I'm really trying to not start romanticizing again but I am really horny right now soooo I might need to lean into that for at least one good orgasm.

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Best 2 orgasms in weeks.