difficult conversations

Guess what, guess what, guess what!

I had my second difficult conversation today.

Congratulations to me.

I can't remember if I wrote about the first one already and I do not have it in me to reread through my last few entries right now.

BUT

The first one was with my dad.

He looooves to fucking text me theost random things at the most random times. It pisses me off every time I look down at my phone and it's a notification from that sorry piece of shit.

Sew

I gathered my pissed offedness and layered it thick with therapy tools.

One day last week he messaged me and it pisses me off but I didn't have it in me to say anything. I just saw it, got mad, and ignored it. But I did think for a split second "I should tell him to fuck off" but didn't.

Literally like 2 days later, he texted me again. A reminder to do something insurance related. My first thought was "sir, go fuck yourself". But this was the moment I gathered and layered lol.

So I messaged him something short and direct. A very simple, I'll handle it, don't text me randomly because it feels forced and I don't like it.

Simple and direct. It made my skin crawl for a half of second but theeeeen I felt free.

He did reply something short and dumb. It got an eye roll from me and I will not be talking about it. Not giving him more space to hold.

Which brings me to today.

I have been politely hammering one of my coworkers because she has info I need to cancel something for one of our managers who is agitated at this charge on his card that shouldn't be there.

Anywho

After going back and forth with her, trying to get literally anything to get me somewhere with this charge cancellation stuff, I just keep her a little space. This all happened last week.

This week, yesterday, I made a note to follow up with her again but didn't. I didn't have the energy to pick a fight. And it really would not have been a fight, but I could feel her putting me off and it was getting more and more irritating so I knew I was getting closer to have to be more Administrative than coworker to her.

Which brings me to today. 

The door to our office opens and guess who's voice I hear.

I knew what I wanted to say, I knew it was the perfect time to say it, but I really was volleying back and forth on whether I should. 

Would it be mean? Would it be rude?

So I leaned in to her small talk, she noticed cookies on my desk and I gave her one, and then I brought it up in the most casual way I could. I brought it up and got my point across in a very good way. Very effective hopefully.

But I did it.

And then I brought up another issue with our in-office assistant. She made a mess of the filing cabinet a little bit so I'd mentioned it in passing twice within the past month.

Imagine my annoyance when I went searching for a file and found the filing cabinet still messy a few weeks ago. 

So today I casually brought it up when she went to go file. I asked her if she's gotten a chance to start straightening up the cabinet and I told her I hadn't checked, not to see if she was being honest I just didn't want to be accusatory. She said she'd started but hadn't really finished. And then she said she'll keep working on it and I thanked her for the progress she's made so far.

And theeeeeen while I'm basking in my accomplishments my fucking dad sends me another unsolicited text, motherfucker.

So I set a harder boundary: sir, this is what I'm talking about and if you text me like this again I am blocking you.

And I felt so fucking good.

I felt free. Liberated.

And now I keep reminding myself about gym girl.

I've leaned into fantasy a bit more than I would've liked this weekend given she is more than likely still in a relationship and more than likely is not going to be in one with me.

So I have basically been titrating those emotions back and forth. A little logic, a little emotion. I'm trying my best to look through both lenses.

Her watching my Story and replying to it on top of that really threw me. Because it was a repeat of the last time I gave myself and out using actions I never thought she'd take.

I told myself I'd stop initiating and leave it up to her when it felt like I was being put off. And then she initiated the next day.

I told myself the thing about her Stories and she not only watched mine, she replied to it. The next day.

I don't know what the deal is with us, if there's even a deal.

There's too many coincidences for things to be a coincidence. It still feels like this kismet thing that I won't get to fully experience.

It sucks. 

I feel like God has been constantly aligning things that are meant for me, whether I asked for it or not.

With her, I'm unsure. It seems aligned but then it seems like a dream. Like those visions people get in the desert; I know there's a word for it but I can't think of it right now.

It's been both a lovely, confusing experience and I keep telling myself she's not thinking about me the same way I am, her.

And even if she is, she isn't choosing me.

I feel more or less like a side act-- not the main attraction. 

Which is not great. I don't know.

Mixed signals are a bitch, to be honest.

The tension I've read in my smutty favorites always sounds so romantic but it's really only because the main characters always end up together.

My happy ending seems to be inexistent in this scenario. The chemistry is very romantic. A++