close proximity

Gym event went off without a hitch. 

I met a some new people, got to hang out with a few of them. It was really nice.

But you know what I came here to talk about *stirs tea* lol

Yes, gym girl was there. No, I couldn't really avoid her. But also, I didn't really need to. 

I think it was fine.

There were a few moments that surprised me and a few that I would like to read into but won't. Before the walk, during the walk, right before I left for brunch. (Right before I left for brunch definitely felt like a moment was going to happen but it didn't. I feel like she hesitated. I asked her where the restaurant was and she said it was about 5 mins away. And I turned to leave and she made a sound like she was going to say something else. I turned back around to her and she looked at me but didn't say anything. Instead she took a swig of her drink. So I turned to leave again. And then she said bye, ____. And I said bye.)

We did do brunch. That was also really nice. It was four of us, so nothing too crazy.

She did catch me smiling at my phone while we waited outside and then called my name to verbally pull me into their conversation. 

A few times she asked us questions and looked at me and said she already knows the answer. 

One thing I didn't expect to happen: we were about to be seated and she stepped back so someone else could walk behind the host. No one wanted to, so I stepped forward.

He led us to a booth and I thought 'oh fuck'.

I slid in first and there was another girl right behind me so I thought 'oh ok, good. She'll slide in next'

And she did. But she slid in on the opposite side of me. And right behind her, I think the guy came in and sat down beside her. And then gym girl sat beside me.

And we were able to keep distance between us, which was good. 

But an hour of so of talking with them-- mostly letting them talk, with her right beside me was a lot but felt really nice.

I kept looking at her trying to find something unattractive to hold on to. I didn't. So there's that.

I ordered a cocktail and we small talked over that, I told her about my food allergy. 

And she ordered a smart juice-ish cocktail. Some sort of green juice.

When our drinks came, she looked at me and offered a toast-- to just me. I will say, the other people had coffee and water so maybe that was why it was just us. It also kind of felt like a truce. 

So, smiling, I looked in her eyes, looked at her drink, and toasted with her. Because she's cute and I can't fucking help myself. 

Also, the girl across from me ordered a lavender lemonade that came a short while after our toast... Could just be a timing thing. Gym girl told her it looked really good and told her she should take a picture.

And then we all just chatted. I laughed alot and every time I laughed, she seemed intrigued. She'd look over at me to watch.

Especially the one time I laughed during our walk. I was with gym girl and another black girl getting a new bag from gym girl. The girl I was with made a face of regret and it genuinely tickled me and gym girl looked up from what she was doing to see. Could be probably maaaaybe because I laughed and nothing was said. 

Anyway, she said a few funnies also that made me laugh during brunch. I swear every time I laughed, she looked at me like it was the first time I'd ever laughed around her. 

We looked at each other alot in conversation. But I don't feel like it was out of the ordinary. But I enjoyed every single one. Especially when she was talking and I was just looking at her.

It was nice. Really nice.

But I will say I just kept repeating to myself when my thoughts would start thoughting "she has a girlfriend, she has a girlfriend, she has a girlfriend"

But looking into her eyes is...ohmygah.

There was one point where I was looking at her talk and imagining what her dirty talk would be like. And I caught myself and immediately looked away and at the girl sitting across from me.

Also, she is such a small woman. My God. I know I'm not that big but I am thick and curvy. So I also keep telling myself that there's no way she wants to jump my bones as much as I want to jump hers.

Surely she's into much smaller framed women.

But it was nice spending time with her, even after all the crying I've done and anger I've felt.

That's what I don't understand about this-- whatever this is.

The moment someone pisses me off, I'm fucking done. They're on my shitlist and I want nothing to do with them. And crying. Anyone that makes me cry might as well be ready to square right on up lol. Cause, no. Uh uhn.

With my friends and family, history and time is the only reason I don't write them off. And even then, I am quick to shut down and ice people out.

I've only known her for 9 months and I already want to do what I can to keep her in my life in any capacity. And that's crazy to me.

I don't understand that. I don't get why.

And she said something today that confirmed just how fast we've gotten so close. She thought I was here for their last member's appreciation event this past Christmas.

She looked at me and asked me if I was there last year and I said no. And I think she was like 'really' and I said I just joined this year. And she asked how long untill I've been there a full year and I said next January.

Soooooo I'm taking that to mean she also feels like we've known each other much longer than we actually have. Either that or she's really bad at keeping up with stuff like that.

I don't know, man.

She also mentioned in passing that she has a trip coming up next week and I was like 'ok, see. She has a big trip and I'm sure she'll be taking her girlfriend along'.

She has a girlfriend. She made her choice of someone else and she's sticking to that commitment and not even really concerned with me the way I am her.

So I can work on letting go of my attraction, these feelings.

I'm really trying because I don't want to cry over someone who's not remotely interested in me in the same way I am to them.

But I still like her. And I don't know what to do.

We haven't talked in a while which is probably for the best. So that makes it easier to tell myself that nothing's happening. If we aren't getting emotionally closer, maybe things will be easier?

Nothing's happening especially because she's not single. Especially because she hasn't declared it. Especially because it's not overt.

God. Fuck. (Sorry, God.)

~

Maybe she is just being nice. 

I forgot to mention she also kept commenting on my outfit lol.

She asked if I like a certain football team that had a game nearby today and I said no. And then she jokingly asked again later and I said no, purely a coincidence lol. 

Honestly, I wanted to wear pants because I didn't want my legs out in the grass lol. And the pants are just really comfortable and the shirt I thought would be casual, cute, and good to sweat in matched my pants.

But someone else also complimented my pants today too.

~

(Currently high)

Looks like I'm gonna have the house to myself the weekend.

You know what would be great?

If someone could come over and consensually take control and fuck the dog shit out of me.

But, that's not gonna happen. 

.....but I wonder what my old Dom is doing this weekend?

~

I will say, now that I think of it, she admitted to knowing some things I hadn't directly told her this time around.

She said she knew what side of town I stayed on, said she knew I had a pug, said she knew I was big on Instagram. 

We never talked about any of that. So it's good to confirm that she's not pretending to not know stuff the way she did with the concert and the other thing.

Maybe she never was. I don't fucking know.

I keep going back and forth. And I'm ok with that. But God, this is tough.

~

I also learned she played soccer, had two tattoos removed, and she did rock climbing.

And she wears gym clothes every day because she has so many rules in the military. That tickled me because I get dressed up for work every day because my last job required me to wear clothes I didn't mind getting ruined.

And the legal name of the gym is hilariously long.

And she would've had a drink with me if she'd had all her veggies this week. Not even joking lol. It tickled me; it was cute.

~

And now I'm turned on again. 

~

I'm also remembering her asking me if I like tequila sunrises. I heard tequila and was knocking immediately and then the last part of her question came to me and I was like "oh no" lol. So instead I just told her my allergy.

Instead of just telling her tequila, yes. Tequila Sunrise, no. 

Then I told her I love amaretto sours. Which is true. 

Hopefully that balanced out my awkward lol.

Also, we both ordered omelettes.

~

Now I'm remembering the really personal info I know about her that I probably shouldn't seeing as how we've only known each other for a few months. 

Even if those few months felt like forever.

We barely know each other but we know each other fairly well.

~

We talked tattoos and I finally got to check hers out up close. 

God, I really wanted to touch them.

She also knows what 2 of mine mean now. And she knows where I work now, too. The girl across from me asked and I hesitated for a second and then said it.

~

2 orgasms 

~

Oh! I almost forgot lol. There was a crying joke.

Someone mentioned there was a 9-11 themed bar in town and gym girl joked about it being too sad of a theme and asked what could people possibly do there.

And she liked that people could cry there. She said she would go to cry and invited me along in this proverbial ride. And I laughed and said I am all cried out.

Ohmygah! I just realized why she said that. Because last time we talked I mentioned that apparently I've been a crier my entire life and it basically all happening now. And that's when she mentioned her girlfriend makes fun of her because she's also a crier.

I am screaming, lololol!!

~

Aaaand third time's the charm.

~

I'm back to say she did talk about her dog getting older and how "we" were trying different things to accommodate him. So maybe her girlfriend moved in with her. 

But she also used getting back to her dogs before they peed in her apartment in her absence so there's that.

Aaaaaand this is how my brain/emotions get me in a pickle.

Girlfriend or not, she has not verbally expressed any interest in me.