another day, another eff me ohmygah

Here I am, reminding myself to stay strong. 

Stick to my rules. No Stories, no Pages.

Out loud or it's not happening.

~

Tempted again, so here I am. Meh. Ugh.

I can do this.

~

Just here to remind myself yet again that she has a girlfriend.

I'm working by myself again tomorrow so I'm going to work on keeping busy so I don't have to think about her.

~

I'm having another moment of "maybe this was all a dream"

I don't know. 

For us to be so normal Saturday. I mean, there was a little awkwardness in the beginning but it dissipated pretty fast. 

And sitting next to each other and holding a non in-depth conversation. 

I don't know.

The last "meeting" we had feels like it's been so long ago and it wasn't. It's hasn't even been 2 months.

And now I'm wondering if that last conversation really was the last conversation like that we'll have. 

The space between us hasn't done much for the confusion. I feel like I can breath better but I'm now questioning everything.

The long stare that day, her ignoring me in class.

I don't know. 

The further we get away from each other, the more unreal what we shared feels.

And the closer we are physically, the more I remember what it feels/felt like.

God.

What is or isn't happening?

I know I have reason to be confused but I also keep debating if I really do.

And she has something else in her Story and I don't know what I'm expecting to get by watching it besides just being even more confused. Or getting my feelings hurt by seeing her enjoying life with her girlfriend.

How did I get here???

Fuck me. Shit on a stick.

I just want things to be clear.

I want her to be clear. I want me to be clear.

If this chemistry is what I think it is, I just want us to... I feel like I was so close to starting the rest of my life with this person and I know why but also I have no idea why and now I feel so scared to even try again. With anyone.

I'd taken so many steps forward.

I was falling headfirst, ready to bare my everything. And now I feel like someone pulled my parachute way before they should've. And somehow that has turned into this feeling of waking up from reality. Which makes no fucking sense logically but explains how I feel emotionally.