what living looks like

Currently sitting at the nail salon. I broke my nail at work yesterday while in the midst of a shit storm. I immediately dropped everything and called the salon to schedule an appointment for a fix and a pedicure. Because there was no fucking way I was gonna have that nail broken until my next appointment, taunting and reminding me of how shitty of a day I was having when I broke it. Usually I don't care about a broken nail, but nu uhn lol. No. And the pedicure was just a self-soothing gift to myself. I needed something to bring my body back center. And it's working. I've got a nap brewing in me right now. Times like this I wish I wasn't single. So I could doze off and my partner can be there to instruct the nail tech while I nap. I will never forget the day I fell asleep in the movie theater. Like full blown sleep. I was curled up and everything. I'd had a long week and I drug myself to the movies that has the really good food lol. The kitchen was just open long en...

Tears are at bay this morning. I have a very loud and ugly narrative in my head. I feel dirty, unwanted, too damaged, too ugly, too mean, unworthy, too perfect. Because why have I never experienced a romantic love? I know the answer is because I've shut intimacy off from me. But I keep thinking maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I've never been good enough. Maybe I never will be good enough. I exist in a world full of people but I've never experienced romance. Never been truly pursued. Am I only good enough to be this shiny trinket people fight over? Or this shiny, perfect trinket that no one can touch or possess? Am I that off-putting? I don't understand. To have been this close to what felt like real attraction, genuine connection and be rejected? That hurts. What's wrong with me that no one wants me? Even with feelings like this, I'm still left alone. Unwanted. Rejected. Not good enough to be first, so kept as a close second. ~ So now I'm crying over th...

Stay away.  Stay far away. You were right. You saw her Story. And then she saw yours. And then you saw her next Story. And you were right. It doesn't sting anymore but it is disappointing. Forget her. Move her messages out of your Inbox and stay away. No one's worth your head being fucked with. Crumbs are never enough. And she knows that from personal experience. Stick to your guns. Stick to the script. She isn't choosing you. So fuck her. We will not be getting closer. We will not be getting together. We will not be talking like that  anymore. Find someone new to get under. Your old Dom is out because his feelings are hurt.  She's out because take your fucking pick. I'm out because I'm not doing this shit again. This time I'm not sad. I'm angry. Because GET OUT OF MY FUCKING ASS IF YOU ARE NOT TRYING TO LIVE THERE. Fuck her and the horse she rode in on. Enjoy what you've shared because you're not sharing any fucking more. Run. Also, don't le...

Today, I feel like an idiot. I gave a quick overview of Saturday to my coworker friend to take her mind off of her super shitty weekend.  She asked me how was it and I said it was normal-- fine but still feels like there's something beneath the surface. And she said "we'll that's ok. It might be but that's still not fair to you" And first of all, ouch lol. Secondly, where the lie? That one statement pulled me back to where I should be mentally instead of where I want to be. And I know the only goal in this situation is to let my healing/grieving ebb and flow. But I feel like that last ebb was a huge wave that took my under. So, I feel dumb. And I know I don't have to. I didn't do anything more than just exist and experience and enjoy. I didn't lean in a bunch, I didn't overextend, I didn't try to do anything. I just being and doing, which is the goal. I don't want to handle this perfectly because it's impossible to handle this perfe...

I broke my sleep this morning. I don't really know how or why but I literally just woke up at like 3 am. So I just went to pee just because and got back in bed.  And couldn't sleep. So I masturbated. Came twice,  still nothing. I will say I didn't enjoy either orgasm. Now that I'm questioning things again, my masturbation motivation is gone.  Fuck. But I'm about to roll out of bed, appreciating the good sleep I did have, accept the sleep I lost and make the most out of today. ~ I also would like to enter 2 new things into discovery lol. Gym girl and my last Dom have 2 things in common: both former military (one Marine, on Navy) and the both drink black coffee. What's the correlation there, I don't even know. ~ Well, Monday is Mondaying and I'm about to cry before 9am.  Fantastic. ~ I did have a light tear drizzle. Shit hit the fan with office stuff over the weekend. Credit card account limits that popped up out of the blue, stuff declining. We have close...

Here I am, reminding myself to stay strong.  Stick to my rules. No Stories, no Pages. Out loud or it's not happening. ~ Tempted again, so here I am. Meh. Ugh. I can do this. ~ Just here to remind myself yet again that she has a girlfriend. I'm working by myself again tomorrow so I'm going to work on keeping busy so I don't have to think about her. ~ I'm having another moment of "maybe this was all a dream" I don't know.  For us to be so normal Saturday. I mean, there was a little awkwardness in the beginning but it dissipated pretty fast.  And sitting next to each other and holding a non in-depth conversation.  I don't know. The last "meeting" we had feels like it's been so long ago and it wasn't. It's hasn't even been 2 months. And now I'm wondering if that last conversation really was the last conversation like that we'll have.  The space between us hasn't done much for the confusion. I feel like I can breath...

Gym event went off without a hitch.  I met a some new people, got to hang out with a few of them. It was really nice. But you know what I came here to talk about *stirs tea* lol Yes, gym girl was there. No, I couldn't really avoid her. But also, I didn't really need to.  I think it was fine. There were a few moments that surprised me and a few that I would like to read into but won't. Before the walk, during the walk, right before I left for brunch. (Right before I left for brunch definitely felt like a moment was going to happen but it didn't. I feel like she hesitated. I asked her where the restaurant was and she said it was about 5 mins away. And I turned to leave and she made a sound like she was going to say something else. I turned back around to her and she looked at me but didn't say anything. Instead she took a swig of her drink. So I turned to leave again. And then she said bye, ____. And I said bye.) We did do brunch. That was also really nice. It was fou...

This girl is running circles around my head. I will say, the EMDR has helped already. I get to use my two words to ground myself and sooth my thoughts.  Also, I kind of just want to fuck someone to get her out of me almost. I don't understand what this thing is. But I do know, if it's not going anywhere, I don't want it. I don't want to repeat this cycle of good, but not good enough.  She isn't choosing me. She has a girlfriend. She's just being nice. ~ Tonight will be a good distraction, though. I'm skipping the gym and taking a small trip to a festival with my friend. ~ I may have to remember to stick my rule about her Stories. Because I'm very tempted but I'm willing myself not to. I can trust myself to navigate whatever this is to the best of my abilities. ~ So I grabbed Taco Bell while I was out making deposits. Aaaaaand I got a double take from the guy at the drive thru window. And then he told me I had a beautiful smile. That felt really nice....

I have my very first EMDR appointment in literally five minutes. I'm happy. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm nervous. My ass is sweating. I told my coworker how nervous I was before I left and she ensured me that everything will be fine and if it's not, I don't have to keep going. And then, as I was walking down the stairs getting ready to leave, I ran into FedEx. The guy was looking for our Suite (which no one hardly ever does) and I told him it was me/us. So he handed me the package, asked for my signature and told me my hair was cute. And first of all, stop it ohmygah lol. It surprised me because I don't get compliments from straight men very often. And his was really sweet and he wasn't creepy about it. Kind of turned me on a little bit, not gonna lie. Also, doesn't take much lol. But it was a nice distraction. I appreciated it. ~ I'll come back to talk EMDR. I saw her today.  For the first time in what feels like forever. And I was fully nervous...

I caved and watched her Story. It was just a regular post. I can feel my emotions getting the best of me. Longing is reeeeaaally coming in hot. This would be much easier if I could set these rules and stick to them. But then that's me trying to handle this perfectly and there's no such thing. So I'm gonna say, today I leaned in because I honestly just wanted to see if it was going to see something about her being single. Fuck. Ugh. Ok. Note to self: if she is going to choose me, she is going to have to do it herself. No innuendos, no subtext will ever be enough. I want more than that because I deserve more than that. I don't have to settle for less. I can focus on other things, my mental health, my spiritual well-being.  Find a healthy distraction. ~ Well, romance books are still off the table. And same thing for movies and shows. Anything love-related makes me run away instead of running towards it like I always have.

Guess what, guess what, guess what! I had my second difficult conversation today. Congratulations to me. I can't remember if I wrote about the first one already and I do not have it in me to reread through my last few entries right now. BUT The first one was with my dad. He looooves to fucking text me theost random things at the most random times. It pisses me off every time I look down at my phone and it's a notification from that sorry piece of shit. Sew I gathered my pissed offedness and layered it thick  with therapy tools. One day last week he messaged me and it pisses me off but I didn't have it in me to say anything. I just saw it, got mad, and ignored it. But I did think for a split second "I should tell him to fuck off" but didn't. Literally like 2 days later, he texted me again. A reminder to do something insurance related. My first thought was "sir, go fuck yourself". But this was the moment I gathered and layered lol. So I messaged him so...

Welp. My vagina is back in action. The motivation isn't the best thing but I'm fully aware of that. Shit. Ok. I can do this.  She's just being kind. She isn't flirting until she's actually flirting. She isn't attracted to me until she says she's attracted to me. She doesn't want me until she says she wants me. She hasn't chosen me. ~ I'm also reminding myself that I'm not on my period anymore so it feels like I'm emotionally back in a good space. So my feel-good emotions are very heightened. Also, I'm really just trying so fucking hard to learn into logic just as much as emotion. ~ I also woke up to a notification that she liked my reply 19hrs ago....don't know how I got a notification like that so late AND ALSO trying not to read into it. It's a standard practice to like a reply. ~ We had massages at work today and that was aloooot of physical touching.  Whew. And I wore a shirt that was very short because I didn't know w...

Ooooooookay. I am literally shaking right now. I'm on the toilet, minding my business. Just doing my Sunday morning routine aaaaaaand trying to keep my mind off of her. Following my rules from yesterday, yadda yadda.  Ma'am just replied to my Story and my heart is jumping out of my body. She just replied to my Story. After I just told/convinced myself yesterday that I wouldn't watch hers unless she watched mine.  And here she is, going the extra mile. And now I'm here, writing so I don't overthink this anymore than I already am. So I don't freak out anymore than I already am. I was also thinking to immediately screenshot it and send it to my best friends but I think I'm going to let this one play out and deal on my own. We'll see. ~ Ok. It was a harmless message, nothing too crazy.  Deep breaths. Ok. And I responded with equally innocent energy. I will say, she didn't watch my entire Story. So there's that. Can I use that as a reason to not  watc...

Remember these things when you start reaching & romanticizing: - She has your number. She can reach out to you whenever she likes - You don't have to go on her Instagram page to see if she's single. Assume she's dating because last you heard from her mouth, she has a girlfriend. - Her Instagram will not tell you she likes you. She will need to do that if that's the case. - If she hasn't told you she's romantically interested in you, don't look for signs and wonders. Look and listen to her mouth to make the words.  - Breathe. You want love. You want to be loved by her and that's ok. Longing is natural. Crushes are natural. - Don't pressure yourself to "get back to normal". You're grieving and healing. Give yourself time. - The space you wanted is the space you have. You don't know the why or how but what you do know is somehow it's working out this way.  - You don't know what you don't know. Don't go looking. Anyt...

I'm having a hard time this morning. Really this week.  I keep wanting to know what's going on with her. Where she's been, is she avoiding me, is she giving herself space, is she frolicking with her girlfriend, are they moving in together, are they engaged and soon to wed? Lol I know it hasn't been that long but given how flirty she felt for a week and how quickly she fell back into "I'm in a relationship" just has really fucked my head and heart up.  So instead of romanticizing, I keep trying to go worse case scenario.  It's taking everything in me not to go on her page, not to add her back into my close friends.   I don't know. I don't know why I thought this would be a happy ending for me. I don't know why I thought she would choose me. Today's starting off pretty rough but I haven't cried. So there's that.  I did leave my gym bag at home. I don't want to go today because I just want to go to see if she'll be there I ...

I would like someone to help take my mind and body off of gym girl. I want someone who can and will give me everything I can't get from her and then some.  I haven't seen her in days so there's been zero chemistry, zero tension but she still runs through my mind often. I miss her. I miss seeing her, talking to her.  I just keep telling myself she doesn't want me.  She doesn't want me. No matter what chemistry and tension may tell me, her actions say otherwise.  She doesn't want me. I now completely understand why people immediately jump into bed with a new person.  I imagine it's a really good way to remind yourself that other people can give you the same plus more. Since I can't have what I want, I would like to have the same plus more from someone else. She doesn't want me and I don't know what to do with my unplaced feelings.  How long does it take to get over someone? Is there a trick? A code I can crack? I'm just really tired of feeling ...

I'm doing this course about following my dream and I'm supposed to write down my dream/goal. So I'm gonna use this as a running post on things I'm supposed to be doing during this course. STEP 1: Write down my goal I want to become a therapist that practices CBT with people who are in their mid-late twenties, maybe thirties, and are in a very transitional period in their lives.

I know. I haven't had sex but I've had many a solo orgasm. And every since this shit with the gym girl has blown up in my face, I haven't really been able to enjoy myself. I was in a slump for a while. I didn't want to touch myself. It seemed more like a chore than a treat.  When I did want to touch myself, I didn't know what to watch. My porn has been very  gay for the duration of this situationship. I couldn't close my eyes and fantasize because I would think of her. I couldn't listen to a book, because even if a guy was narrating I'd think of her. Same for reading. So, of course, I reached out to my old Dom for some play time. He didn't have any time for me.  So I finally just masturbated and tried to control my thoughts. Not fun at all. It fucking sucked. I mean, the deed was done but I didn't really enjoy it. So then I kept doing that for a while just to do it. Then I found some porn audio of a guy walking you through your orgasm. That was f...

I had a dream about someone from junior high. It was this guy I had a huge crush on lol. Really tall, bowl cut, super skinny, with a really deep voice. Most importantly, sir is deceased. I don't know when it happened but I found out a few years ago. It was heartbreaking because he was really funny and really sweet. I think he od'd, which was a bit devastating. We weren't close but our proximity was enough for that to bother me. Well, in the dream he called me while I was on the road with my mom because he had my big purse that I keep all my everything in. I don't keep my diary in it per se but I was so relieved to hear someone had found it and that it was him. And I could here his friend I also know saying what to tell me and they talked about driving Excursion, like switching cars or something. But he told me to text him when I was on the way to pick it up from him. And it seemed like I was gonna get it from work which was odd. But then he sent me an address that I ass...

I saw her today. She seemed off-- maybe sad? She came and joined class, facing me but across the room. And I ignored her until I couldn't. I knew she was behind me while we were reviewing workout because that's where she always stands. So I didn't know what to do when I got ready to turn around because I couldn't avoid her anymore. So I turned around and looked at her. She wasn't looking at me. In fact, I'm pretty sure she was set to ignore me. No one was talking to her; she was just zoned out almost, stretching with a band.  So I spoke first and got her attention. She looked at me and spoke back and then fist bumped me. She wasn't as animated as she usually is. Which just made it extra awkward because my tone was very 'going through the motions' polite. Then back to ignoring her while I got ready to do first half of workout. She didn't do the workout like the rest of us. She stayed in her spot across from me, facing me and not too far away from ...

I have had two very vivid dreams since I did my first sound bath last week. (Amazing experience, by the way. 10/10 and really want to do it again.) The first night, I dreamed the sky legit opened up. Like I looked up and saw the sky open up. The clouds parted into this like circle and then beams and like wind and maybe rain fell out of the sky. And the the reverse started to happen and I ran. It wasnt violent but it was scary. And then I thought I was in my granddaddy's house but it was remodeled and people were there. My youngest sister and my fucking dad. I was telling God 'uh uh. Absolutely not, I don't want this. I don't like this. No. Stop it, it's scary.' And then I opened the door with my sister and we both screamed bloody murder. It looked like a cloud fell out of the sky and landed right at the door. And then my dad came and said it was just trash and moved it out of the way. I was legit scared to go outside the next day. But I talked to the girl at wor...

Well, this letter has been long overdue.  The waves of me thinking about her keep getting larger. They always wash over me and subside but it's such an influx of emotions each time. I spent this morning trying to lean into logic instead of emotions. I researched instant connection and chemistry to try and disprove my emotions or maybe find something to explain them away. Literally, quite the fucking opposite happened. We have both marked off things on MULTIPLE LISTS. So then I researched if people on the other side of the instant connection can feel it. And saaaaaame fucking thing.  Which brings me back to feeling sad and angry. Fuck you. Fuck you for feeling something. Fuck you for not ignoring it. Fuck you for not letting me ignore you. Fuck you for sharing. Fuck you for caring. Fuck you for giving me space. For you for that week. Fuck you for leaning in. Fuck you for knowing. Fuck you for exploring this from the comfort and safety of your relationship. I don't have that. I ...