with clarity comes anger

Now that I've gained my actual clarity back, I'm now pissed again.

I was wondering why I got no response from gym girl today. It wasn't abnormal but it also made me go 'huh'.

Walked into the gym and she wasn't there. I immediately went 'ok. This is good. Maybe she's not here today. I can work with that'

I got changed, I sat on the floor of the gym, mentally preparing myself to workout. And then in walks her girlfriend, dressed and ready for workout.

I immediately felt sad. Could feel it on my face. So I gave myself a moment to be sad and then pivoted. And then my friend came and sat beside me so I chatted it up with her before class started. That really helped me a lot. If it wasn't for her, idk. I probably would got up and left. Even though I know she has a girlfriend, the shock of seeing her in person today was not what I needed emotionally.

I feel like I've met her once before. But back then when I looked over and spoke to her, she looked like she didn't want to speak. But I didn't know her face, so I just thought 'okaaaay someone's having a bad day'. We had a packed class that day, so when I saw gym girl was working out, but outside so she could be right beside her and realized she must be the girlfriend.

To make matters worse, she literally worked out in my spot I always workout in. The same spot I was in last time she was there. Could've been a coincidence, but it still made me uncomfortable. I couldn't even find peace by being in my safe space. It's not the first time it's happened but it's the first time it felt personal and I felt hurt. It's my favorite spot in the gym-- my safe space. So then I just started walking from spot to spot to find them taken.

To make matters even worse, I felt like such a fool in front of everyone. The guy she was talking to when she stared at me 2 weeks ago was leaving so I went to take his spot. He didn't speak, to be fair I didn't speak. But he put up all his gear and that upset me a little. Usually when classes are transitioning, you'd either leave your bar behind for the person standing near who's gonna take your spot or you at least ask them if they want your bar. Instead, there I stood in an empty spot that I didn't even want to be in.

To make matters even worser, gym girl came in the gym while we were all working out and spoke and gave tips to everyone around me. When she got to me, she kept her back to me and then walked right pass me. Not a glance, not a second look or a hey.

I didn't even bother looking for her today. Usually I try to spot where she is in the gym so I know if she's in the gym. So I was really surprised to hear her speak to me dring the last half of class. I was taking a break to breath between my workout when I heard her voice come from behind me. I looked over and tried to pin down my aggravation and she looked nervous. I couldn't even speak. I just threw her a smile while I tried to focus on my breathing.

Even when the girlfriend was there last time, she still came over and fist bumped me after class. Today, she didn't fist bump me at all.

Last time she worked out next to me, not only did she fist bump me, her friends came over and fist bumped me too. I thought it was odd but nice when it happened. But because literally no one but my favorite assistant coach fist bumped me after class today, I'm thinking either it's another coincidence or they're following suit in staying away from me.

The sad part is I've never felt so little. Ever in my life. It felt like one moment, I was so comfortable and the rug is being so harshly ripped from under me in front of so many people in the next.

She treated me like I was invisible. After I told her I feel like she can 'see' me, after I told her my core identity is invisibility. When the time came, she couldn't even look at me.

And after trying to ignore her as much as I could, I went ahead and spoke to her girlfriend on the way out. She was sitting in my walk way and it would've been rude and inexcusable to ignore her. So, to solidify that moment in myself, I spoke to her.

This sucks and I hate it. I hate that I feel so disheveled and that I'm second guessing so much. 

Even when I was on my therapist's couch, ugly crying so much that it was hard for me to speak, I looked at her and told her the truth. Even if I do all these things (avoid her, have the talk, follow my rules), I still feel like it isn't over.

And I was right. And I hate that almost, if not more, than being wrong.

And with that, I know I should've followed my first gut and stayed the fuck away from her. I should've stayed the fuck away from her.

This whole situation has sent me in so many different directions and I'm mad at her and I'm mad at myself.

Because no other coaches have complimented my lower body tattoo. No other coaches have gotten my attention to tease me for fidgeting in class. No other coaches looked at me like she did two weeks ago, with someone right in front of them. No other coaches have been nervous around me or acted like a 2 year old around me. No other coaches go out of their way the way she has.

The only coach that has come close to that is Nipple Boy. And at least I know for a fact he's interested in me. Not that I'm gonna do anything with that. He's not my type and I don't feel a connection there besides friend.

Why did she initiate things after we hadn't talked in so long? Why did she initiate things the last day before the start of a busy week for her? Why did she agree to me circling back for this week's schedule if she knew her girlfriend was gonna be in town? Why did she tell me she was trying to figure stuff out with her girlfriend to begin with? Why do we know each other's love languages? Why do I know some things about her that the coaches and members don't? Why does she trust me to be her vault if not for the same reason I trusted her? Why any of this?

Why?

I just don't understand. If she does feel something, then why reinitiate our talks. If she'd rather avoid me, then why entertain me? If she doesn't feel anything, then why ignore me in class?

I'm really mad. I did cry a little on the way home. But I'm not nearly as upset as I was last week.

Because I kept all but one promise to myself. Friday, she liked a personal video of mine from the gym's page. The only time she's ever done that is when I tagged the gym in a video. So today, after waiting for her response for a while, I went to the gym's page and liked a photo as a callback.

I really hopes she doesn't text me back. I really hope she doesn't look at my Stories anymore. I really hope she doesn't like anything on my page anymore. 

I trusted her. Now, I'm realizing that was a big mistake. I should've never gave her any piece of me when I knew I was attracted to her. I should've stayed away. I should've stayed far away from her. 

I don't know what I'm going to do if her girlfriend is here all week. I don't know what I'm gonna do if she texts me back. Maybe I'll fake being busy, I don't know.

~

I had a dream about something similar to this when my best friend was in town. I didn't write it down because I thought it was my subconscious putting together my mixed emotions to make a dream.

I was at what looked like some kind of gym competition thing with gym girl and some more people. Not a lot, just a few other girls. I looked over at one point and saw gym girl kiss a girl in the cheek. I immediately started having a panic attack. It started small but then I couldn't control it. I could feel myself start to hyperventilate. So I got up to get away from them and go find some space to get myself together. I was settling in and some strangers stopped by to help me as much as they could. And then I looked up and there stood gym girl, stepping in and taking over to help me. 

And what did I do? I let her. I was aggravated and annoyed because she was the reason I was panicked. But I let her help me because I trusted her. As upset as she'd unknowingly made me, I still knew I could trust her to help.

And now that I'm even writing this dream down, I fucking hate it. I hated it when I had it but I hate it even more now.