switching gears

I'm really mad this morning. I'm angry.

I'm really mad and really sad. 

I've done everything I know to do to with this girl. Everything I can do, everything I'm willing to do.

I'm switching gears. My best friend also shared that she thought it would be the best for me. And as difficult as it is to think about pivoting, I know it's what I do best.

So as I sit at my desk, crying in sadness and frustration, I'm also making a new vow for myself.

I can leave the door open, but I don't have to stand there, waiting at it.

1. I'm knocking one day of the gym off of my schedule. Really two. My therapist started scheduling my sessions during my gym time and at first I was gonna reschedule. Now I think she did that on purpose and I'm gonna leave it alone.

2. I am not looking at her social media anymore until I know for a fact she's not only single, but is interested in me. I'm muting her posts and stories again and will not unmute them until she's clear on what she's doing.

3. Depending on how I feel during and after our next talk, I will try to keep this friendship open. If I feel like crap after, I will seriously consider not sharing with her anymore. As heartbreaking as that is, I can't handle the alternative.

4. No more romanticizing in my free time. If I find her in my thoughts, I'm changing the channel.

5. No more reading between the lines. I deserve clarity, specificity, and actions & words that match. If she wants me, she's a big girl. She can be honest and let me know up front.

5.2 I'm putting some version of "the talk" on the table. I don't know what it looks like, but at this point, it's no longer a last resort.

6. I'm not gonna beat myself up about how much I've invested so far. Remember she has been giving mixed signals. You didn't do this to yourself. She's been an active part in your confusion.

7. You don't deserve someone who's unsure about if they want you. She was very sure about being friends; she offered her friendship and that's what I signed up for. If and when she's sure of anything else, she will verbalize it.

8. You deserve to be wanted out loud and pursued in the light, not in the shadows.

9. Continue to check in with yourself often. You're still going to fluctuate. You're still going to want to second guess. You're still going to want to know. All of that is ok. Read your list and be gentle with where you are.

10. Remember well balanced logic + well balanced emotions is key right now. I know it feels right, but does it make sense?

I hate this. I hate it here. I hate it here. I hate it here.

I'm giving up hope today on us being anything other than what we are right now.

I can choose what happens or doesn't happen between us. I don't have to wait for her to confirm or deny anything.

Sometimes potential isn't enough. Sometimes chemistry isn't enough. Sometimes my gut isn't enough.

And I really don't want to have the conversation with her to gain clarity. Because if she really is leaning in to me while she's in a relationship, I'm afraid she will gaslight me in confrontation to save herself.

~

I keep opening this entry up to edit it. I'm still really hurt and really mad. And really tired. And really sad. Trying not to keep crying but I can't not cry. I'm just so frustrated. I'm so mad at myself. I'm having a really hard time balancing her flirting with me and her being with someone else.

How the hell to people actually cheat? I'm not even doing anything big and I'm a mess right now. 

~

I feel like a fool. I feel like an idiot. I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed in the signs. I dissappointed in my trust in my gut.

I just keep thinking how can I be so stupid? How could I have let this happen? Why would I even do this? What what make me do this? How dumb can I possibly be?

And I know why; I know the answers. I haven't been in this alone. This isn't one sided. But I have allowed myself to be available to someone who is not and every single fucking time move the post and set new terms, she meets them and the cycle continues.

I know the conversation has to be had. At first, I had it in my metaphorical back pocket. Now, I have it on the table and I just keep looking at it, angry and scared and as unwilling as I am willing. I fucking hate it.

I hate it. 

I'm glad I won't see her for two days. I need this space. I need this time away. I need to not see her right now. When we spend time apart, I'm able to talk myself down and out from under her. And then she looks at me and I'm right back where I started. 

I really think I'm going to have to actively avoid her when I can, the best I can, however I can.

I can't even right now. I'm a hot mess express.

This is gonna be hard.

~

It's closing time at work now. I bought a ticket for the movies tonight. I'm not going to the gym today.

Of course, I'm crying. Again. Still. I just know this is so stupid. I'm so mad at myself. I'm mad at her. I'm all the things.

I've never felt such a strong, almost instant connection with anyone in my life. And to have done all the things to try to lean in but also play it safe and still end up hurting just is not what I want. I don't want these feelings.

I know it's healthy to feel and express them. I know crying is good for me. But the reason why I'm crying is just such a huge disappointment. I know I just keep writing the same things over and over and over. 

I'm scared of what's on to come with us next. I know what she's been doing. Maybe she thinks it's innocent flirting? I don't know. But I feel like I'm just being strung along to nowhere.

How could I be so stupid? A part of me feels so dumb to even be crying. It's so many feelings and thoughts to navigate. I know why I'm crying but I'm also so confused. 

I'm just really hurt. Really hurt. And every time I tell myself that it's fine, more tears just pour out of me. So it's obviously not fine. I'm not fine.

I think the sooner I accept that I'm not ok right now, the easier it will be to feel and deal. I feel like I don't have any right or any reason to feel this way. 

The only thing I used to know to do in these situations is switch to anger and lash out. I don't want to do that. I'm still full of compassion. I don't want my pain to take the lead. I just want to be present with my emotions right now.

I'll deal with her when I have to deal with her.

Follow my rules, guard my heart, use my head.

I feel like this is the best worst thing I have ever willingly done.