self-gaslighting

It's now the day after therapy and I have gone from wanting to speak about how I feel to fully gaslighting myself. 

I was doing really well until my best friend called me. And after that phone call, fear crept in and my trauma brain went to work. 

I have gone from 'Im doing this' to 'i can do this' to 'can I do this' to 'should I do this' to 'maybe I'll do this later ' to 'maybe I won't do this' to 'im not gonna do this yet' to 'what if she really isn't flirting' to 'what if I made all this up' to 'i probably made all this up' to 'theres no way she's been flirting with me' and 'i just read too far into things, she's just doing her job' 

And now I'm convincing myself that everything, every moment we shared wasn't even what I thought it was. It was just me reading into things.

I've never been so triggered to self-gaslight SO fast in my adult life. It's scary.

And the scariest part of it all is I'm really second-guessing what's true. So I either self-gaslight like a pro or I have a HUGE attachment issue or something. I don't know.

I really want to get the EMDR done. I think I really need it.

A lot

(I'm also a little bit high right and that's really escalating the feelings I'm having right now. And let this moment of self-awareness remind you of what your therapist said: people who suffer from severe mental health issues are not self-aware at all)