reminding myself

So self-gaslighting is no fun.

I've never experienced this so fast and been completely aware of what's happening the entire time that it's happening.

It's scary. Very scary.

I've reached out to my therapist, reached out to one of my best friends. I want to know if I am gaslighting myself, or if I am just having a moment of clarity. And I wanted my therapist to know where I am mentally and I asked her for some tools I can use right now.

I'm so far into it that I'm convincing myself the girl at the gym is not and has never been flirting with me. She's only interested in trying to help me since I'm having a difficult time. I don't know. I'm trying to really just lean into this narrative so at least I can stop leaning into her.

Because maybe she is only doing her job. It's possible.

No way I'm having the conversation now. Logically, I understand that being scared to have the conversation caused me to gaslight myself into not having the conversation. BUT ALSO I have successfully gaslighted myself into not having the conversation. Now, I'm afraid I'll embarrass myself by asking her that. Because if she hasn't been flirting, I'm gonna look like a fucking idiot bringing that up.

So, anyway, that's where I am right now.

I wanted to write and remind myself that as crappy as I feel and as much as I've cried this week, I'm going to be ok. I can't remember if I've already written this but Monday I changed all of my mantras to be focused around myself, where I am, and where I want to be.

I've gone through a lot in the past few months and I don't know. Maybe I created this narrative of her being interested in me to cope with all the family stuff. And then maybe as my ability to be happy, to be successful, and to be loved grew, I have been able to let that go. And maybe the trauma I experienced at work recently caused me to read too much further into nothing.

I don't know anymore. I'm just feeling really defeated right now. So I guess I'll kick my feet up and allow myself to be sad right now.

And I don't think I'm going to message that girl today. I saw her briefly yesterday and it was fine. I just told myself "she's speaking to me, the same way she speaks to everyone". I can't even with that right now.

I'm just gonna spend this weekend focusing on my healing so I can grow past this stage.

~

Welp. I'm crying again.

I talked to one of my besties who knows all the things and she made me feel so much better.

She did tell me that she doesn't think I made it all up. She thinks the same thing I do: that my life has been a wonderful chaos that's did a number on me mentally, when it comes to my emotions and feelings. And she thinks the girl was sending signals, be it intentionally or unintentionally.

So, I'm fully planting my flag in 'oh my God, what the fuck' land because oh my God, what the fuck. 

How embarrassing but also sort of fascinating but also scary. Like, what the hell man.

I thought I'd come to terms with just how fucked up my CPTSD has made me buuuuut I don't know. I did not expect it to be this overwhelming and make me fucking delusional oh my God.

I mean, now that I'm here in self-gaslitten clarity, what if I'd actually confronted this girl. I would have passed out. AND I actually would've been mad at her if she denied anything. Oooooooh my God

And this is why it's important to share your journey with people you trust. But also why you don't have to share it with everyone you trust. Because one person almost pushed me to keep this fantasy going. THAT would've been fucking nuts.