perfectionism and authenticity

So, here I am. Showing up again and again and again.

This morning, I woke up, got some pee out, and then went back to bed. Then I woke up around 8am, looked at the time and went back to bed.

Then I woke up around 9am and immediately thought 'i want to go back to sleep'. But then the gym girl was running around my head and I knew the only way to get her out was to make myself busy doing chores that served me.

So I woke up, fixed my bed, watered my plants, started some laundry, and took out the trash.

Now, I'm on the toilet writing in this here blog. 

As I was doing all the things, I didn't really want to listen to music because anything romantic triggers thoughts of her. So instead I picked up where I left off with "The Gifts of Imperfections" audiobook.

And I think I've gained some footing.

Because I have been gentle with myself through this gaslighting and/or clarifying journey in order to allow my emotions and confusion their own space. So they scare me? Yes. But they are happening and all I kept thinking is the least I can do is give them space and grace. Because if I am self-gaslighting, it's only to protect myself. Or if I did just gain a asston of clarity, I can forgive myself for maybe looking a bit foolish, even if just iny friend group.

I have had small moments where I remember something that happened that validated my interest. I've also gone back to the beginning of this whole thing and remembered how adamant I was about steering clear of her. And once I was no longer steering clear of her, I really have been keeping her at bay as much as possible. I've enjoyed the aura of our friendship and I really have done what I knew how to try and preserve the friendship but entertain the possibility of the attraction not being one sided.

In the end, maybe I was wrong. And that's ok. Embarrassing, but ok. I didn't overshare, I didn't profess my love, I didn't become a stage 5 clinger. I really have been taking things as they come and holding myself accountable as much as possible.

Which brings me to being here, writing on the toilet. Feeling happy tears and true clarification on my terms.

In the book I'm reading, the author talks about imperfections, of course. But the flip side of that talk is perfectionism, something I struggle with a lot. There's still a part of me, even on this journey of authenticity, that still believes being perfect makes me worthy, being perfect makes me sane.

But listening to the author describe perfectionism and it's relation to shame, I had a moment that clicked with me: what if my trauma of perfectionism is causing me to spiral and feel crazier than I am?

I starting DBT with my therapist and this morning I googled what DBT is for. One of the first things listed was Borderline Personality Disorder. I understand that doesn't look like one thing, but I had a moment where I just thought 'ohmygah this is it, I'm crazy. I knew it'. I also had that thought when she called ask for more details before giving me an intervention.

Looking back now, I'm like 'if I was crazy, we would've already been working on that' 'if I was crazy, I would've been brought to her probably unwilling for a tv-version intervention'

And then I came back to my current thoughts around perfectionism's relationship to my sanity. I really, truly believe that my inner child has been gaslit so much into believing my authentic self is crazy. Whenever I chose to show up for myself as a child, I was met with resistance based in lack of understanding. But because adults seem to fear telling children they don't understand, they instead accidentally or purposely make us believe we just don't understand.

This happened a bit this weekend with my mom. And it reminded me of so many moments in my childhood.

Her making up answers to questions that were important to me. Her denying my feelings in order to protect the appearance of other people. Her telling me I should have chosen to get promoted in elementary school instead of choosing my friends because "I can make new friends". Her denying my best attempt at doing well and deeming it failure because 'she knew I could do better'.

So more times than none, when I wasn't perfect or I was too authentic, I was emotionally taken care of. I was made to believe I'd done or thought something wrong when I thought I knew I was asking the right questions or making the right calls. In other words, if I wasn't walking in that expectation of "getting it right" aka perfectionism, I was made to second-guess myself which made me question my sanity.

And here we are, full circle.

When my best friend called me for an on gym girl and I told her my plans and my new found fortitude, the only thing she really added to the conversation is doubt. After I gave my whole schpeel, she responded with 'well, maybe she did break up with her girlfriend, they could just be friends'.

And that is what triggered me. The response I'm sure she considered to be helpful was QUITE the opposite. She listened to all my sound logic and responded with doubt packaged as hopefulness. I didn't need to be hopeful, I needed to feel safe and be supported in my decision.

In that moment, I doubted my ability to make the right call with this girl at the gym. I was finally gonna do the right thing for me in that moment and I got swept away in her response. I immediately began doubting myself, my sanity, my ability to make the right decision. I judged myself, I started second guessing my gut, because of this narrative I didn't even know was affecting me in such a way: "if I was wrong, if I am wrong, then I must be crazy"

That explains the shame, the fear, the distress that triggered the gaslighting.

It also explains why I felt like I couldn't trust myself. It's easier trust my logic because we've been working together for so long. But it's gonna take practice to trust my emotions. It didn't hit me until now and I've accepted that that's just part of my process.

I'm not crazy. I'm just not perfect and that's ok.

And if I choose to shift my perspective to also include the parts of this journey that I am personally proud of, I can allow myself to accept my imperfections as something to be proud of. 

Because even though this journey may have ended in the most unexpected way, I still was vulnerable with my friends, vulnerable and intimate with gym girl, I was honest with the possibility that this could be nothing, I haven't lost myself during this time. I've actually been really fair to myself and very aware, even though I second guessed a lot it was mostly to make sure I was being honest with myself sans rose colored lenses.

Being a little distracted and getting things wrong is only a slight dip in my journey to a better, healthier me. 

I'm still a little scared, but I'm so fucking proud of myself.