it's done

It didn't go like I expected yesterday or this morning really.

But it did go how I expected at about 4:15 today.

I was on the toilet and it hit me: she's squeezing you in today to gauge where you are.

We never talk for 15 minutes. Why would talk for only 15 minutes?

So the time came, I headed over, and I walked in.

She was at the front desk with another coach, looking nervous as ever.

She spoke, I spoke.

She told me she'd be with me shortly, so I sat and waited up front.

And then it was time.

My heart was beating out of my chest, my ass was sweating, I was so nervous.

There was lots of tension, lots of unspoken words. Lots of staring with neither of us talking.

But even with all the everything that has happened, we just fell into a natural rhythm like it was nothing. It was great but it was also the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.

We talked about alot of things. I don't even really want to rehash everything because I went to therapy right after our meeting, I talked to my best friend, briefed my friend from work. I just know I'm gonna be telling this story a few more times and I don't want to go into all the details right now.

So here are some key points:

• there were some lingering stares between us
• I reached to put on lip gloss (like I always do) and she immediately starting staring at the ground until I finished
• I was talking about being back at my old church and wanted to punch everyone in there and she thought I was talking about the gym even though I'd prefaced that statement with me being back at my old church
• I brought up how I've spent the last week crying every single day and she mentioned how her girlfriend makes fun of her because she's the crier in the relationship
• I brought up going to the concert she knew I'd gone to because the guy from the gym brought it up in front of her once a the hangout we had while she was at the table and again the day we worked out next to each other. She pretended like it's the first time she's heard of it. And I know me and the guy from the gym talked about it for a hot minute that night with her sitting right beside me
• I clocked that so I on purpose brought up the hangout with my bestie. I made a video recap and that's the video she liked from the gym's account. She pretended like it's the first time she knew of it
• We talked about drug lady at work and how traumatic that was but how I was able to recognize I needed to write stuff down because I knew I would forget how bad it was later
• We went over the Let Down Effect. She said she'd never heard of it but it resonates with her. So I gave her a quick rundown about the happiness, success, and love and the after affects of hitting or exceeding your limit. Looking back now, I only addressed how my happiness and success meter have changed drastically. I didn't mention love and she didn't ask
• I told her I trust my logic, but I don't trust my emotions because they're still so new to me. She encouraged me to practice that at the gym *eyeball emoji* And then we talked about that for a hot minute. She talked about she's seen me lift heavy and I can practice trusting myself by putting more weight on the bar. And then I told her other people say the same thing but some days I don't think I really can, so I don't. And then she immediately switched gears and said 'well that's also a good boundary to have'.
• We talked about me self-gaslighting after I'd decided to have a hard conversation. I went over all the feels without telling her it was because of her. She interrupted during the self-gaslighting portion and asked if I was questioning myself out loud and I was like 'nooo, all these were thoughts in my head'

It was a really good talk. She recommended a book that I will not be reading, she gave me some advice, she wants me to consider using the gym as a space to learn to trust my gut. Meanwhile, I'm like 'you don't EVEN know ohmygah'

It was so good that it scared me. Because it felt like Monday hadn't even happened. So much so, this is the second time we've gotten so caught up in talking that we lost track of time. (And now that I think about it, the last time that happened I could also see the nervousness all over her face.)

I booked therapy for 6pm, she had a 6pm appointment followed by something immediately after that. Therapy was not only my outlet for today, it was my out.

If my therapist hadn't of called, I don't know what would've happened. It felt like we'd been caught.

My phone rang and I went 'crap, what time is it? I have therapy at 6'. She'd jumped up in her own 'oh crap' way and walked to the door. I immediately answered my phone, apologized to my therapist and told her I'm like 5 minutes away.

I stood up and gym girl was like 'I didn't realize what time it was, someone's supposed to be here in five minutes'. We were walking out and she said something along the lines of 'we'll finish this up next time?'

Meanwhile her friend coach is like 'woah, hey ____' as I'm walking to escape and talking to leave. 

I just lie and say 'yes' and throw a 'bye' over my shoulder on my way out.

We didn't have the conversation, but I am resolute in my decision for this to be done.

I have never in my life done that before. Been so pissed off at someone and then fell right back into the most natural rhythm ever. I felt so right and easy that I was scared.

So I'm done. I can't share with her anymore. I can't talk to her like that anymore. I can't be intimate with her anymore. Not right now. There's too much going on beneath the surface with her, but more importantly me.

I talked it through this morning with work friend and told her I truly believe this is a mutual attraction, especially after Monday. But she can't have me in this way and then have her girlfriend too. It feels like she's using me to get the emotional stuff she may not get from her partner and I cannot be that for her. 'I'll keep you to meet these needs in this way and then I'll go home and be happy with someone else.'

Fuck that, get me from under your thumb.

It's not fair to any of us. It's not fair to me. It's not fair and it doesn't fucking work. It isn't working.

So I'm deading it. I don't know what the future looks like. I planned what to be mindful of with my therapist because I do want to stay at the gym. 

She only concern is that I am so distressed emotionally right now, that the gym may heighten that. She said it more than once which means I need to be very cognizant on how I really feel, not how I want to feel in order to make this work.

I just really don't want to leave the gym. I have friends, I comfortable there, it took me so long to go back and so much courage to do it alone. I don't want to give up on that because of one person. So we went over a plan of action to keep me safe.

I'm gonna stop going to the gym earlier than I have to. Instead, I'm gonna hang out at work and work on my therapy activities, she suggested going to Trader Joe's and getting myself some flowers, she also suggested going and picking up my dinner and leaving it in the car so I have that to look forward to. I'm going to surround myself with my friends there so I'm not alone if I don't have to be and if we have any other hangouts, stuck with the plan above.

I really want to give it my best.

AND I told my therapist I'm ready to do EMDR.

I also told gym girl there's a place in my therapist's suite that does it and as soon as I said it I was like 'shit.' Because that info along with the fact that she now knows my therapist is about 5 minutes away just fucks me if she puts that info together. I was fine sharing the convenience of the EMDR specialist but I didn't expect to be telling my therapist how far away I was in front of gym girl. So there's that.

But, that's the rundown. That's how it ended, and that's hopefully how it will stay.

I can find peace in knowing things won't be strained between us, but it will be weird trying to put off these talks if she decides to press the issue.

I didn't go anything like I expected, but I still feel like I've got my power back.

It's done between us. There will be no more intimate talks or moments.

Just gym stuff.

After my session, my therapist asked me if I knew what I was eating tonight. I said know but I am so hungry. And she basically told me to think about what I wanted to eat. Which was odd so I figured it was important lol.

So on the way home, I decided I needed to sit down somewhere and eat. And I was gonna call my sister to see if she wanted to come. Instead, I just went by myself to a restaurant I like. I sat in the bar area and enjoyed a drink and some food. Watched baseball to distract me, got in Instagram for a hot minute.

It was great to be alone and enjoy myself. 

To choose myself and that be enough.