it ends tomorrow

Don't worry. I don't mean in the dark doom and gloom way. 

She texted me back today and literally scheduled a 15 minute meeting with me.

I was immediately pissed at the timeslot and then fearful that she was going to 'dump me'.

And then I panicked over how to respond, I scheduled a therapist appointment, it was a whole thing. 

I texted my best friend and we talked. I made objectives to focus on for the meeting.

Then I talked to my old Dom. (yes, he's been around through all of this). Of course, his response was 'good'. And then I said 'not good, what if she tries to blame me?' And he said 'what does it matter, you can ignore her again or find another gym'

And at first I was like 'sir! What do you mean' But I didn't message him that because I know he means precisely what he was saying.

So on the way home, I made the decision to lean into that.

'What does it matter'

Does it really matter how it goes if I get my freedom back? My joy? My peace?

I mean, in short, I do hope it goes well. She may not even be ending things. Who knows?

But also, whether she ends things or I do, no matter the narrative, it will be over.

It'll be over.

It ends tomorrow.

And then I get to either cry celebratory tears or sad tears or confused tears, whatever tears I want to cry with my therapist.

I'm still nervous but now I'm hopeful too. I hope if she doesn't end things, I can at least put off us meeting again in the near future.

Which hurts. But it doesn't even compare to the pain I have felt so far.

Ripping off this bandaid and tending to the wound is priority.

Because all I've been doing is slowly peeling this bandaid out of fear, prolonging the pain.

Yes I may still be sad. I may cry sometimes.

I am gonna really miss her. 

But I miss me more.

I'm gonna try to do what's in my best interest. We won't be having the conversation, but I hope the one we do have is the bookmark I need in our story right now.

I need space and time to clear my head and so does she.

What's meant to be will be.

I can trust my logic to lead the way in our meeting and I can trust my emotions to take up space in therapy.