i'm going after it

Tonight (really last week)...

Ok. Starting over lol.

Tonight, I am committing to going after what I want most in life. What we all want most in life.

HAPPINESS

I've been looking for my own space. The only people that know are my friend at work and pretty soon, my therapist.

My friend at work helped me shop around, she offered to help me budget and shop for utilities services.

I'm going to take her up on it AND I'm supposed to look at my first apartment ever in two days. 

I can't even cry in my own house. I don't think I can truly be happy here. It still doesn't feel like my safest space.

So if the only certainty I have in this space is that I'll be housed, I'm willing to bet on myself. I'm willing to switch that comfortability for another. My happiness is important to me and I don't want comfort to keep me from it. 

SUCCESSS

I'm gonna try to become a therapist.

I really want to be a therapist. It was one of my dreams as a kid but I scared myself out of it.

With a possible acquisition on the table, I feel like now's my chance to go for it. 

And it all came together last week. Right after I said that dream aloud at work, the next day or so we had a conference. There were talks about Passion & Purpose, a therapist spoke about how important mental health is to living fully, and a guy spoke on Thriving in Uncertainty.

I really wanted to meet the Dr.Therapist. I didn't know how but I just felt conviction. I wanted to know where to start with my therapist dream. So when my work friend pointed her out at a table during happy hour, we shuffled over.

She and her friend were chatting and she introduced me to her friend. We sat together for quite a bit and talked about a loooot of things that resonated with me immensely. I connected with her friend almost immediately. She encouraged me to start by volunteering with a therapist or therapist-adjacent organization. I signed up to take her course on Dreams with a promise of meeting with her for an hour to discuss my dream further.

The next day I discussed it with my therapist. She was so encouraging, so happy, so enthusiastic. And she also offered to help me on this journey.

LOVE

Gym girl taught me that deep intimacy is possible and some connections are instant.

But when I really step back and look at my life right now, so many of my friends have shown me what loving me out loud looks like.

They've shown up for me when things were hard. They hold space for me to evolve, be present, be vulnerable on my terms. They help me navigate the unknown. They help me brace for impact and recover. They encourage me to do what's in my best interest. They defend me from myself. They represent me in rooms I'm not in.

Love has come from the most unexpected places for me this year.

Acceptance has come from the most unexpected places. 

So, what changed today? To be honest, the movie Gran Turismo.

I sat in that theater enthralled (after I was a tad bit sleepy during the first 15 minutes lol).

He went after it. He went for the Big 3. And in the moments when he questioned if he should take a chance or keep trying, his circle pushed him to things that were greater than he ever thought possible.

His dream scared him, but he was determined. Hell, his dream could have killed him and he kept moving forward.

My dream doesn't put my life at risk, only my level of comfort. 

My entire life has been me playing it safe. Well, most of it anyway. The moments I remember most, the ones that give me immense joy are the ones where I took a chance and went for what I wanted.

So, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go for my Big 3.

This year has been turbulent to say the least. But I've still managed to move forward. I've still managed to accomplish and overcome.

I have what it takes. I know I have what it takes.

Now, it's time to use it.