i broke

I broke and went to her Instagram today.

Apparently she has a new nephew. And guess who also has an almost one-year old nephew?

Fucking me.

I haven't talked about it or really even told that many people because I haven't met him because I don't want to be around his mother. And a part of me is reliving the entire situation of me meeting my neice and everything that came after that.

And now I kinda wanna cry because why can't I be thrilled to meet my nephew? I mean, I know why, but I don't like it. It sucks.

And this is the kind of weird shit I'm talking about. What are the odds for a lot of the things we have in common. I really really hope it's fairly common for all the things.

It has to be fairly common, right? It has to be.

Also, I can't believe I broke for the first time in 2 weeks.

Fuck. Damnit, I was doing so good.

I have seen her since the whole ordeal. It was fine. She spoke with her awkward surfer wave and I spoke with no idea as to how my face looked to be fairly honest. Could've been confused, blank, happy, I don't fucking know.

And then class started, I'd seen her walking around and so I really focused in on my workout. And then I was getting ready to do a stretch and there she was, right in front of me, teasingly doing the stretch in a funny way.

It caught me completely off guard and all I could do was smile and laugh. 

I do still like her, as much as I know I hated her guts two weeks ago. I don't think she's a terrible person.

So I keep telling myself she's just doing her job, being nice. Nothing else is happening. (It was actually really hard to type that last sentence because it feels like I'm lying to myself).

But I don't get as nervous on my way to the gym anymore and I didn't freak out about her making me laugh the other day. I really wasn't gonna write about it because I wanted to forget it happened but here we are.

Ok. *deep breath*

Follow my rules, stick to what I know for sure. 

Emotions + Logic = Wisdom

Be wise.