here goes nothing

I'm back home from therapy. It went really well.

Tears, smiles, decisions, realizations. All the things. 

I'm gonna have the talk. And hopefully it'll sound something like this.

~

I'm gonna apologize in advance for the mouth vomit. I really don't like having hard conversations with people I like but here we go. A big motivation for this conversation I don't really want to have is I really want to be my most authentic self, so here goes. Also, this is by far the dumbest, bravest thing I have ever done.

I have a question.

But before I ask said question, I would like to preface it. Things are about to get awkward. But I would very much appreciate your honesty and compassion. And I hope that everything said in the next few minutes will continue to stay between you, me, and the tree.

Also, after this, know that you get to decide what happens next. I'm fine with whatever.

First, I'm gonna level the playing field. Hopefully, maybe. Who knows. 

I'm attracted to you. Not because of our talks, just in general. Honestly, it's why I tried my best to avoid you initially, but here we are. No regrets, I've been able to separate the two things up until recently.

Now for the question that's really a statement:

I feel like you've been flirting with me and I feel like there's some kind of tension between us. Which is not a bad thing, but I do need to know if you feel like you've been flirting with me or if you also feel tension. Even if it's innocent. I feel like it started really small but a couple of weeks ago, we shared a moment where I feel like you looked at me as if I hung the moon.

I do really enjoy our friendship. I appreciate this being a safe space with a level of understanding without judgement and helpful knowledge we both share. But I really need clarity on this one thing in order to make the best decision for me. 

Ok. That's all. Again, honesty and compassion please and thank you. And also, please don't be patronizing.

~

I'm already second-guessing my decision. I keep trying to convince myself that she's not flirting. 

What if she's just being nice? What if that's how she is friends with her friends? What if I'm the only one reading into things? What if it's just me? What if the people I've been sharing these stories with have been lying to me too?

I'm doubting myself a lot. Gaslighting myself to avoid doing the hard stuff. I know how I got here but now I'm really going back and forth between what's real vs what is really happening.

Maybe she's just been nice and she's awkward because she's shared so much with me. I don't know. I feel like I'm trusting myself less and less, here oh my God. This is such a wild experience.

I googled it and apparently childhood trauma leads to self-gaslighting. Fuck me, oh my God why. 

~

Ok. Read this when your Trauma Brain takes the wheel:

It's ok to second-guess. You're ok. Your trauma brain has been conditioned to protect you from confrontation. 

Even if she hasn't been flirting, even if you've made all this up in your head, even if it's just one-sided, remember why you're doing this.

You're doing this for you. You're doing this for your clarity. You're doing this because knowing what's happening between you two is in your best interest.

It's probably gonna be uncomfortable. It's probably gonna suck. You might cry, you might be angry, you might shut down completely. All of that is ok. Trust yourself to react in the best, healthiest way possible.

You're asking to clear the air. You're asking because you want to know. You're asking so you can safely pivot in the healthiest way you know how.

Knowing is better than guessing. Knowing is better than reading between the lines. Knowing is better than this 'will they, won't they'.

Knowing is better. The answer may be hard to digest but, in the end, knowing is better.

Find your answer to find your freedom.