can't sleep; currently crying

I'm really upset still. Really hurt. 

Really mad more than sad but also sad. 

I don't like this. I don't like feeling like this. I don't like feeling significant one minute, and insignificant the next.

It just really hurts at this point. I'm processing lots of shame and dissappointment. I think I'm just gonna make my home here, for now.

I can't sleep without shaking thoughts of this whole situation out of my head. Maybe she'll come groveling, will the girlfriend try to play nice with me, will the girlfriend confront me, etc. 

I woke up at 1 am and haven't been able to get back to sleep. I kinda hope emptying my head will help. What else can I do really?

I've also been crying in short bursts here and there.

My therapist offered her services to me this week if I needed them. I really want to save that for emergencies. If I'm having a difficult time but it still feels manageable, I'm gonna work through it. If I'm having a difficult time and don't think I can manage, I'm gonna call her.

I keep telling myself I should've never done this. I should've never talked to her. I should've never stopped ignoring her.

I go between that and a lot of "how could she do this to me"

I really want her to stay away from me and I don't think that's gonna happen. I don't know how she'd really recover from this besides just ignoring me to no end.

I'm gonna try to get some sleep now. 

~

I was able to finally fall back asleep after tossing and turning a bit.

Now I'm at work ugly crying. I don't know what emotions I really feel right now. Maybe still some sadness, lingering embarrassment, anger, resentment.

I knew this would either end well or end poorly. I just didn't think it would be like this. I didn't think I would feel so fucking shitty. I feel so fucking shitty.

I know things will get better with time but I'm so scared they won't. I'm scared I won't get better. With her or with my trauma.

In March, I had no true understanding of just how bad my CPTSD. Now I know how bad it is and I feel it all over me. In the ugly crying, in my confusion, in my doubt, in my fear. 

I know once this passes I'll be ok but right now I'm not ok. It's really really really hard for me.

I'm scared I can't trust myself. I'm afraid of opening up to any other strangers. I'm scared because I don't know what to expect from her. I don't know what to expect from myself.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. 

~

The work day is ending and I don't know what to do with myself.

I had an appointment for self-care that was cancelled last minute. I don't want to see any of the movies in theaters right now. And I left my gym bag at home because I didn't think I needed. Also, because I was really certain I didn't want to go. But now that I'm crying yet again, I do want to go to the gym but I can't because I don't have class.

I just feel like so much has been taken from me in what feels like an instant.

My comfort, my trust, music makes me sad, I don't have a real appetite, I'm confused now more than ever, I can't read smut because that makes me sad. I don't know.

I feel like I'm just here, existing.

I mean, I love existing BUT ALSO this part of my existence sucks and I don't know what to do. I don't want to go home. I can't go to the movies. Can't go to the gym. I kind of want to go to therapy but not really.

I feel like my world has skewed just enough to knock everything out of balance.