what living looks like

Tonight (really last week)... Ok. Starting over lol. Tonight, I am committing to going after what I want most in life. What we all want most in life. HAPPINESS I've been looking for my own space. The only people that know are my friend at work and pretty soon, my therapist. My friend at work helped me shop around, she offered to help me budget and shop for utilities services. I'm going to take her up on it AND I'm supposed to look at my first apartment ever in two days.  I can't even cry in my own house. I don't think I can truly be happy here. It still doesn't feel like my safest space. So if the only certainty I have in this space is that I'll be housed, I'm willing to bet on myself. I'm willing to switch that comfortability for another. My happiness is important to me and I don't want comfort to keep me from it.  SUCCESSS I'm gonna try to become a therapist. I really want to be a therapist. It was one of my dreams as a kid but I scared mys...

I broke and went to her Instagram today. Apparently she has a new nephew. And guess who also has an almost one-year old nephew? Fucking me. I haven't talked about it or really even told that many people because I haven't met him because I don't want to be around his mother. And a part of me is reliving the entire situation of me meeting my neice and everything that came after that. And now I kinda wanna cry because why can't I be thrilled to meet my nephew? I mean, I know why, but I don't like it. It sucks. And this is the kind of weird shit I'm talking about. What are the odds for a lot of the things we have in common. I really really hope it's fairly common for all the things. It has to be fairly common, right? It has to be. Also, I can't believe I broke for the first time in 2 weeks. Fuck. Damnit, I was doing so good. I have seen her since the whole ordeal. It was fine. She spoke with her awkward surfer wave and I spoke with no idea as to how my face ...

It didn't go like I expected yesterday or this morning really. But it did go how I expected at about 4:15 today. I was on the toilet and it hit me: she's squeezing you in today to gauge where you are. We never talk for 15 minutes. Why would talk for only 15 minutes? So the time came, I headed over, and I walked in. She was at the front desk with another coach, looking nervous as ever. She spoke, I spoke. She told me she'd be with me shortly, so I sat and waited up front. And then it was time. My heart was beating out of my chest, my ass was sweating, I was so nervous. There was lots of tension, lots of unspoken words. Lots of staring with neither of us talking. But even with all the everything that has happened, we just fell into a natural rhythm like it was nothing. It was great but it was also the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. We talked about alot of things. I don't even really want to rehash everything because I went to therapy right after our meeting,...

Don't worry. I don't mean in the dark doom and gloom way.  She texted me back today and literally scheduled a 15 minute meeting with me. I was immediately pissed at the timeslot and then fearful that she was going to 'dump me'. And then I panicked over how to respond, I scheduled a therapist appointment, it was a whole thing.  I texted my best friend and we talked. I made objectives to focus on for the meeting. Then I talked to my old Dom. (yes, he's been around through all of this). Of course, his response was 'good'. And then I said 'not good, what if she tries to blame me?' And he said 'what does it matter, you can ignore her again or find another gym' And at first I was like 'sir! What do you mean' But I didn't message him that because I know he means precisely what he was saying. So on the way home, I made the decision to lean into that. 'What does it matter' Does it really matter how it goes if I get my freedom back?...

I'm really upset still. Really hurt.  Really mad more than sad but also sad.  I don't like this. I don't like feeling like this. I don't like feeling significant one minute, and insignificant the next. It just really hurts at this point. I'm processing lots of shame and dissappointment. I think I'm just gonna make my home here, for now. I can't sleep without shaking thoughts of this whole situation out of my head. Maybe she'll come groveling, will the girlfriend try to play nice with me, will the girlfriend confront me, etc.  I woke up at 1 am and haven't been able to get back to sleep. I kinda hope emptying my head will help. What else can I do really? I've also been crying in short bursts here and there. My therapist offered her services to me this week if I needed them. I really want to save that for emergencies. If I'm having a difficult time but it still feels manageable, I'm gonna work through it. If I'm having a difficult time ...

Now that I've gained my actual clarity back, I'm now pissed again. I was wondering why I got no response from gym girl today. It wasn't abnormal but it also made me go 'huh'. Walked into the gym and she wasn't there. I immediately went 'ok. This is good. Maybe she's not here today. I can work with that' I got changed, I sat on the floor of the gym, mentally preparing myself to workout. And then in walks her girlfriend, dressed and ready for workout. I immediately felt sad. Could feel it on my face. So I gave myself a moment to be sad and then pivoted. And then my friend came and sat beside me so I chatted it up with her before class started. That really helped me a lot. If it wasn't for her, idk. I probably would got up and left. Even though I know she has a girlfriend, the shock of seeing her in person today was not what I needed emotionally. I feel like I've met her once before. But back then when I looked over and spoke to her, she looked ...

Today started off well. I think I'm back to my normal mental state. All of my memories of me and the girl at the gym started slowly coming back to me yesterday. I have been actively changing the channel whenever they seem to start getting to deep. I am a bit freaked out. Mostly because now that I'm back to my normal, I'm back to having to actively handle our interactions. In order to keep myself safe, I've promised to not force myself to make decisions around her right now. I'm gonna have to float this one out which makes me REALLY grateful I made those rules for myself. Because I can still use those to take care of me in lieu of 'the talk'. I had a text scheduled to go to her to check in today. It was supposed to go out at lunch, but I went ahead and sent it now. I got nervous thinking about the wait and I know the earlier I send it, the more time I have to cope and mentally adjust. *whew* ohmygah Last week was really tough. I knew it was gonna be difficult...

So, here I am. Showing up again and again and again. This morning, I woke up, got some pee out, and then went back to bed. Then I woke up around 8am, looked at the time and went back to bed. Then I woke up around 9am and immediately thought 'i want to go back to sleep'. But then the gym girl was running around my head and I knew the only way to get her out was to make myself busy doing chores that served me. So I woke up, fixed my bed, watered my plants, started some laundry, and took out the trash. Now, I'm on the toilet writing in this here blog.  As I was doing all the things, I didn't really want to listen to music because anything romantic triggers thoughts of her. So instead I picked up where I left off with "The Gifts of Imperfections" audiobook. And I think I've gained some footing. Because I have been gentle with myself through this gaslighting and/or clarifying journey in order to allow my emotions and confusion their own space. So they scare me?...

I went home today. I got hit on in the most polite and respectful manner by a tall beautiful man I wanted to hand my panties to lol. He was really smart, really knowledgeable, and really affirming of where I am on my self-work journey without even knowing it. He wanted to walk my food order out to the car. I was like 'sir, my mother and sisters will acost you lol'. But we talked briefly because he wanted to get to know me. I just basically told him I was on a self-work, finding myself journey. Finding out what I like, what I don't like. What moves me, what has made me who I am, what makes me who I am, where I want to be in life, etc. He affirmed my feelings, my theories. He shared how it all circles around being free. And I was like, yes, I'm learning exactly that. Being free and being authentic. He also looked at me like he'd won the lottery. The way he looked up and down my body over and over again. And *whew* my God I bet he knows what to do. He also shared somet...

So self-gaslighting is no fun. I've never experienced this so fast and been completely aware of what's happening the entire time that it's happening. It's scary. Very scary. I've reached out to my therapist, reached out to one of my best friends. I want to know if I am gaslighting myself, or if I am just having a moment of clarity. And I wanted my therapist to know where I am mentally and I asked her for some tools I can use right now. I'm so far into it that I'm convincing myself the girl at the gym is not and has never been flirting with me. She's only interested in trying to help me since I'm having a difficult time. I don't know. I'm trying to really just lean into this narrative so at least I can stop leaning into her. Because maybe she is only doing her job. It's possible. No way I'm having the conversation now. Logically, I understand that being scared to have the conversation caused me to gaslight myself into not having the co...

It's now the day after therapy and I have gone from wanting to speak about how I feel to fully gaslighting myself.  I was doing really well until my best friend called me. And after that phone call, fear crept in and my trauma brain went to work.  I have gone from 'Im doing this' to 'i can do this' to 'can I do this' to 'should I do this' to 'maybe I'll do this later ' to 'maybe I won't do this' to 'im not gonna do this yet' to 'what if she really isn't flirting' to 'what if I made all this up' to 'i probably made all this up' to 'theres no way she's been flirting with me' and 'i just read too far into things, she's just doing her job'  And now I'm convincing myself that everything, every moment we shared wasn't even what I thought it was. It was just me reading into things. I've never been so triggered to self-gaslight SO fast in my adult life. It's s...

I'm back home from therapy. It went really well. Tears, smiles, decisions, realizations. All the things.  I'm gonna have the talk. And hopefully it'll sound something like this. ~ I'm gonna apologize in advance for the mouth vomit. I really don't like having hard conversations with people I like but here we go. A big motivation for this conversation I don't really want to have is I really want to be my most authentic self, so here goes. Also, this is by far the dumbest, bravest thing I have ever done. I have a question. But before I ask said question, I would like to preface it. Things are about to get awkward. But I would very much appreciate your honesty and compassion. And I hope that everything said in the next few minutes will continue to stay between you, me, and the tree. Also, after this, know that you get to decide what happens next. I'm fine with whatever. First, I'm gonna level the playing field. Hopefully, maybe. Who knows.  I'm attracted...

I'm really mad this morning. I'm angry. I'm really mad and really sad.  I've done everything I know to do to with this girl. Everything I can do, everything I'm willing to do. I'm switching gears. My best friend also shared that she thought it would be the best for me. And as difficult as it is to think about pivoting, I know it's what I do best. So as I sit at my desk, crying in sadness and frustration, I'm also making a new vow for myself. I can leave the door open, but I don't have to stand there, waiting at it. 1. I'm knocking one day of the gym off of my schedule. Really two. My therapist started scheduling my sessions during my gym time and at first I was gonna reschedule. Now I think she did that on purpose and I'm gonna leave it alone. 2. I am not looking at her social media anymore until I know for a fact she's not only single, but is interested in me. I'm muting her posts and stories again and will not unmute them until she...

I don't know how much longer I can keep reading into things. Last week, the girl at the gym was coming on so strong. And I was so happy. She finally initiated things last Friday and every since then she's been on me. So much so, I've just assumed she must be single.  We shared so many moments. I could feel her longing. The way she looked me in the eyes while she talked to other people, the way she checked me out, how awkward and cute she has been around me, the way she has sought me out around the gym, the way she worked out next to me, the way she teased me during class. She start liked my Stories, she finally started watching my Stories, I added her to my Close Friends, I liked her Stories.  I thought we were getting somewhere. I thought this was flirting. I thought we were flirting. I'm really sad right now. I am legit crying. I think she's still with her girlfriend. She posted a screenshot of them on FaceTime. Could be innocent, I know. But I also know, I don...