more will they, won't they

Well this week has fucked my head up something fierce.

Really, the last few weeks.

I saw the girl a few weeks ago. I hadn't heard from her since the event and it was very odd. I'd seen her around the gym casually. We even did a class together. But a few Fridays ago, she stopped to talk to me.

It's really frustrating writing this now in my current mental state, to be honest. Because that moment meant alot to me. And still does.

She's been very vulnerable with me but this moment we shared humanized her. It took me by surprised but I also admired it so much. So much.

Anyway, she stopped to chitchat in between classes. She'd just finished up and I was waiting to start. It was oddly brief because one second she seemed like she was going somewhere and the next she was speaking to someone and literally walking away from me. I was stunned. Really didn't know what just happened. Did not know what to do with myself.

And then she came back around while she was putting up equipment. She made a little joke and I laughed with her. Then she stopped by and started really talking to me this time. In my mind, she'd literally just walked away from me at the weirdest point in conversation. So maybe she's just being nice? So she was like how are you doing. I said good (my natural response to keep people out). And then she said how are you doing since we last talked. And I mentally went 'oh, oooooh.' I swear this is the first time I've looked at her and she looked nervous or scared. I've seen her looked concerned for me. I've seen her look empathetic towards me. I've never seen fear. And said it's been good but also not really. I'm just going with it. And I could feel the sorrow kind of wash over my face. So I ended it with a 'but I feel a lot more like myself than I have in a while'. 

And then she asked me if I'd gotten my card. She'd handwritten cards to all her volunteers. And I immediately thought, that's odd. Her friend told me to grab my card. AND if I didn't grab it, she would have it. But I just said 'yes, that was really nice.' And she thanked me for helping out and then she brought up the video I did of the event. (I do stuff like that all the time but second guessed doing one that day. But then at the beginning of the event, she'd asked all the volunteers of the event if anyone had experience with social media. I immediately thought this was directed at me but ignored it her call to action. I just did this on my own. Which led to us having that moment under the time clock where time stood still and people disappeared when she looked at me and smiled while she walked towards me.) Anyways, she called it badass and I immediately turned into an idiot. I was like thanks. And she doubled-down and mentioned how bad she was with technology and how they can't really pay people to do it. She talked some more about it and I engaged and I thought it was cute and funny.

And we talked for a little longer before I heard the instructor countdown the beginning of workout. We'd been talking so long class had started and I didn't even realize. That's what it's like with her.

After class, I started putting two and two together and thought 'does she want me to help her with social media' Also at that time, we hadn't setup another time to talk. So I also thought maybe she's waiting on me to text her? Even though, the way I left it, I left it up to her to reach out.

So what did I do? I overthought it, talked to my friends about it and sent her a text to follow up.

She texted me back with a possible time period, I confirmed I was free and then nothing.

And then the next time I ran into her was the next week on a Tuesday. She was awkward again. She was leaving out of the gym area and asked me if I was doing class and again I thought 'we've talked about this, I just do my own thing on my off days' But I said 'no, but I will be here tomorrow for class'. And she was thinking out loud about what was on the schedule and said that will be a good one' and then left out.

And then I saw her the following Thursday. I was running late to the gym and just as I was approaching the doors, she walked out. She looked taken aback and then happily mumbled something like 'watch this'. And I was confused as hell lol. I thought she was about to surprise me or something. So I looked into the open door, confused to see it was just people working out in class. And then I looked at her and she said, you were going to the other door weren't you. And I looked at the other door and was like yep lol. And she kind of chuckled and tucked her tail, saying she was trying to do something nice. I laughed whole heartedly because when I realized that's what was happening, I was tickled. And I laughed and said thanks, that's ok, you were so close.

And I didn't see her again until this past Tuesday. And THAT was weirder. 

She was talking to someone as I walked into the gym area. Usually she would immediately speak, to anyone really. But she didn't. She just caught my eye and then looked back at them. So I walked past her to go to the bathroom. I came out and she was gone. Then I looked up again and she was in class. Then I looked up again and she wasn't in class.

And then her friend talked me up for a bit and asked if I was doing the class that day. In my head, again I'm going 'uhm no. I've been sharing this space with you for months now during this time. You know I immediately leave after doing this.' I said was shaking my head no and laughing because I was blowing gum bubbles. She said are you just doing your stretching, and I was like yeah. And then she made small talk about not seeing me in class which was weird because I see her literally almost everyday at this gym, whether I'm in a class or working out alone. So I asked if the instructors had changed schedules. She said yes and asked me what classes I go too. (Again, ma'am you already know this information.) I answered and she said oh yeah that's mostly this guy, this guy, and asked me if Nipple Boy teaches the Friday classes. (......gurl.) I said idk so-in-so taught two weeks ago and Idk who taught last week because I wasn't here.

We kept talking but it was just weird. It felt like she was feeling me out, trying to be the placeholder for her friend. 

Then I saw the girl today. This time I didn't see her until I was literally closing the door to change. She yelled out to speak to me and I opened the door to see her across the gym with someone and spoke back. She literally did an awkward surfer wave and then I closed the door.

And her friend chatted me up again to see if I was going to the hangout.

Which brings me to tonight. And me crying on my way home because I literally have no idea what's happening and the only way to know what's happening is to do something I don't want to do.

So

We had a gym hangout and I was the third person to get there. I greeted the other two people and asked about food and drinks. They directed me inside, so inside I went. I was minding my business, ordering food and drinks. 

Got my water, got my margarita and headed outside, and who's perched in my spot? Her. We immediately lock eyes and speak and I literally start looking down to make sure I don't fall over nothing because I can't look at her. I wasn't expecting to see her. She complimented my drink and asked what was it that looked so fancy. And she guessed correctly as I was saying margarita. So she knows my favorite drink (which is honestly very basic).

She goes inside and I meet some more people, laugh a little, and we move sections to beat the heat.

Then she comes out to meet us and sits directly behind my picnic table facing my back.

After a while, she gets up and walks around my table to sit in front of me but facing away from me.  She did turn around smiling to see what I had in front of me at the table and then she settled in and she sat there the entire time I talked to another girl I met tonight. (I know she was listening.)

After a while she got up and like literally shook her butt and kind of wiped at it and looked at me and said she felt like she was getting swamp butt. It caught me off guard. I laughed and just said it happens.

She went to mingle while I talked a long while with someone else I'd met that night.

And then as my new friend was leaving, I got up to go sit at the only other table that had our people at/nearby it. The girl was sitting on one side and another girl was sitting on the other.

I really thought about just leaving but decided to go sit next to the girl. It was so much space between us, it wouldn't be a big deal. She was on my right, no one was to my left. It was fine.

That was a fucking lie.

Literally within minutes, a new guy sat on my left. I scooted over just a bit to give him a little space. And then the first girl I talked to came and asked to squeeze between me and the guy. Which means I had to fill up that empty space between me and this girl. I just told myself it was fine. Not a big deal. And then she turned to the guy standing up next to her and asked him if he wanted to sit to her right. Which scooted her right next to me. 

I still tried to keep some space between us but it was pointless. We sat next to each other for the next hour. Talking and laughing with everyone, including her. Someone brought up age and I mentioned how the closer I get to thirty makes me feel. And she asked me if I was thirty. I said almost, I'm 28. And she asked me to guess how old she was. And she said she was 38, and she said it like she was 100. I said 'that's not that bad, I'm legally 28 but mentally about 50'

The real turning point: one of the guy coaches went to a concert, same as me. He's deemed us buddies because of it, which is hilarious and cute to me. Cute in a 'aww how nice' although he is attractive, feels more brotherly than anything. He said to the table that we'd gone to a concert. I don't think he was trying to insinuate anything but it sounded like we'd gone on a date. I knew what he meant, so I said yes we did. He asked for my life story and I was like are you sure you want something that sad lol. And then I gave him the gist and he shard a bit.

And then he asked me if I could help him with a project he was working on. I immediately said yes. (Which, now that I'm writing about it, means he DID hear me the last time I offered to help him. He fucking heard me and someone did tell him to leave.) I love a good project and we talked about it for a bit. I told him I wasn't familiar with the program he uses but it's in the same family as the one I use so I'd be happy to give it a try. Then he made a joke about how bad he is with posting stuff.

I tried to use that to transition and ask the girl about her posting/technology stuff but got cut off by something.

Looking back now, I realized two things tonight: people who want help will ask directly AND I think she second-guesses if I am even attracted to her.

Well, I fucking am. And if my love language is quality time and I want to spend it with you, it's because I like you and add the extra layer of me being confused by how fast and easily we clicked and how much we've shared in a short span of time and you've got 'I'm more than just attracted to you.'

Also, take a lesson from your employee, ma'am. Ask for what you want. (Also, I completely understand how hypocritic that statement is given I don't want to do that directly either.)

As much as I enjoyed spending time right next to her, being able to literally look to my right and look into her eyes, it makes me so fucking sad. Because she's not mine and I can't be hers because she belongs to someone else. We can't explore any possibility of romantics because she belongs to someone else.

Fuck, even hanging out next to her was so natural. I hate being this close to something I want but can't have. And for that reason, I'm letting her take the lead from here on out. I can't keep doing this to myself. 

Everyone that wants to be around me makes it known.

I'm not a mindreader, nor do I have to be, nor will I become one.

I know all these mixed signals exist. I know my attraction to her exists. I know how I feel.

But I'm sticking to respecting what I know (and don't know) to be true.

I have got to do what's best for me. 

I like her, but her uncertainty is scary. So I'm going to be here, ready and willing. But I'm not going to stop living to wait on her.

She can either stick beside me in some clear capacity or let me go completely. And I hate that.