float or swim

This phase of my life fucking sucks, my God. (Sorry, God)

Since my therapist encouraged me to see this phase as the ocean, I'm going to continually lean into that comparison.

First off, it's a scary place to be. It's vast and, depending on where you are, seem never ending. It's unpredictable, it can be unforgiving. It's filled with so much uncharted territory. AND it's literally driven people to insanity.

So how on Earth do you even begin navigate something like that?

It's put me through the fucking ringer in these last two weeks. And at first, it's all I could wallow in. I couldn't believe my thoughts could be so negative. I couldn't understand why I was filled with so much angst and fear.

But I had a moment yesterday where I also remembered that I've been pushing hard every time I got pushed back.

So in this shitty ocean phase of my life, I seem to volley between two reactions: floating or swimming.

So, quick mental recap:

• I went to my first medical doctor's appointment. My last therapy session was rough and she encouraged me to see a doctor about a mild symptom I was having just to make sure it wasn't anything serious.

I agreed to maybe do it before the end of the month.

The next day, I thought about it and just booked the first viable appointment they had available. Which was the Friday of that therapy week. At the time, I felt like I had no control over alot of things but I could control booking and going to this appointment.

So that's what I did.

I went that Friday, my blood pressure was good, my doctor was nice. The appointment went  well.

• Spent a Saturday at the gym. It went well. I met some new people, chitchatted with some people I knew. I had a lot of fun. Lots of sweat, lots of laughs, lots of cheering myself on. It was a huge deal for me. A big personal win to show up in a new way in front of a gym full of strangers early in the asscrack of morning.

Then I cam home, and was immediately triggered by my mom. Which I've already written about and won't go into again.

Then I settled into my hammock, got on Instagram and saw THE most unflattering picture of me. Posted by the girl at the gym that I have a crush on. My earth was shattered in an instant. And I was high so that didn't help. I literally gasped out loud when I saw it, because why would you post that? Also, am I really that big? Followed up by a 'if that's how she sees me, there is no way she finds me attractive.'

And then I cried because 'apparently I'm unattractive and overweight'

But then, I remembered I record myself all the time and went to look at those recordings. I am a little thick, but I'm not built bad like it looked in the picture.

I took a screenshot of one of the videos so I could revisit it later.

I also had a moment where I decided to refocus my attention on me. I kept asking myself where was I on my personal growth journey before this crush and my dad situation? I was happy with the challenge of growing how I saw and treated myself. 

• And then I felt incompetent at work last week. As I moved forward each day, I just kept reminded myself of my workload, what I have accomplished, how I show up, etc.

Also, I took a week off of work. So naturally, there is catching up to do.

Yes, it is overwhelming. No, that doesn't make me incompetent.

I also shared my girl crush situation with the lady at work. It felt nice to have someone mirror my confusion and interest. We feel that same way: could be something, could be nothing.

It was also nice to hear her voice her concern for me. She cyberstalked the girl online lol! She commented on how she refers to the people she posts online and stuff. Shared some questioning thoughts I also had. And she shared how she didn't want to get starry eyed and/or do anything that would harm me (aka getting romantically involved with someone in a relationship). She commented on how even though she'd personally done that before and wasn't proud of it, she wouldn't want to see me get hurt that way. 

She also said that she didn't want this girl to manipulate me, use me, and leave me hanging.

It was very sweet and made me happy to hear and happy to share.

• Then I spent Friday night with the lady I work for and her fiancé. It was amazing. Doubt did creep in and out throughout the night. But every time it did, I just reminded myself to enjoy this moment I'm in and not get caught up in my head.

I was also reminded of favor that night. My boss invited me to third wheel with her. We enjoyed each other's company. The ticket man let me go in even though I had trouble pulling up my ticket. And the lady at concession 'upgraded' my ice cream because there was a wait on the flavor I wanted.

• I didn't see the girl at the gym last week. She was there on some days and not there on others. But I never saw her at all. Immediately gave me a sense of peace because I didn't have to feel nervous about running into or interacting with her. But it also immediately sent me questioning myself. Did I do something wrong? Does she know I like her and is running from me? Is she avoiding me? 

I also made another friend that week, saw a cute guy, and go a thank you card from the girl at the gym for volunteering for that thing on Saturday.

I also think her friend there is taking to me again. When I first started, she was very nice to me. The closer I got to the girl, she became very clinical but kinda mean. There was one day when she spoke to me and asked me either if I'd had a rough week or something along those lines that made me know the girl had told her something about me. I know this because I was going through the motions of speaking to her and her question took my by surprise. It literally jarred me and made me draw my neck back before answering. And there was one day in the gym where she and nipple boy just kept coming back and forth correcting my form, but they were correcting each other's corrections. It was so frustrating I wanted to cry, get up, and just leave class.

She seems more settled in her opinion of me since that Saturday I volunteered with her. 

• I was in my head again this weekend. I looked at my reflection in a window and I felt so ugly.  

I immediately volleyed between beating myself up and being kind to myself.

Later on that day, one of my best friend's messaged me. She asked for a recap of my gym weekend so I gave her the gist. Then I had a moment where I wanted to share with her how in my head I was, but didn't. But then I decided to do it. And she was so understanding, normalized my feelings, and encouraged me in an instant.

That same day 3 strangers complimented me and/or me and my sisters. One of them was a gay guy that literally came over and interrupted our meal so I KNOW he wasn't lying lol. 

• Which brought me back to the girl. 

Yesterday, I mentioned to my mom and sister that I do think about the fact that I could be a virgin because I'm attracted to women and I'm willing to explore that.

Then I beautiful kiosk lady at the mall hit on me right in front of them. She was trying to sell us a product only my sister was willing to test out but she kept touching me. We even giggled so much that she verbally had to stop herself and refocus on selling. And she kept touching me. And I was so fucking turned on.

I think I know that the girl is attracted to me. I remember the first time we met, we shared a brief moment about the power of therapy and there was a little spark of awareness. At the time, I just thought 'huh, I could see us being really good friends' and I envisioned myself hanging out at her place.

I think I know she's attracted to me because we've also giggled over nothing, she's said dumb cute jokes that fell flat, she complimented my thigh tat as if she'd never seen it and immediately commented about how she never noticed it because she keeps her eyes 'up here'. We've shared alot of cute moments.

But cute moments don't automatically equate to one thing. Fondness doesn't automatically equate to one thing. Attraction doesn't automatically equate to one thing. 

Seeing this whatever this thing is through doesn't automatically equate to one thing. And that's okay.

I don't like the fear I feel and the unsureness of it all, but that's also ok.

In reading this book she recommended to me, all these feelings are normal when someone who's experienced pain (or closed themselves off from it) opens themselves up to new relationships. And they usually stem from one place: your inner child.

I really feel like my inner child's biggest fears are pushing to the forefront after some of my biggest moments of joy and tranquility. It fucking sucks and I hate it.

My inner child still feels so inadequate. The thought pattern says it (am I good enough, am I pretty enough, am I worthy). The overall question seems to be 'will I be accepted'

And I'm sorry, but I don't know how to answer that. Because in what sense? For what? By whom?

It's so loaded and I understand why I feel all these things but it's also so frustrating. It's so scary. It's so mean and discouraging.

But I keep showing up everyday. I keep fucking trying. And it feels like I keep getting knocked down, but myself. And fighting with myself to comfort myself is the most confusing thing I've ever had to do.

So, I'm going to kick my feet up and float through this ocean when necessary and swim when I can.