what living looks like

Well this week has fucked my head up something fierce. Really, the last few weeks. I saw the girl a few weeks ago. I hadn't heard from her since the event and it was very odd. I'd seen her around the gym casually. We even did a class together. But a few Fridays ago, she stopped to talk to me. It's really frustrating writing this now in my current mental state, to be honest. Because that moment meant alot to me. And still does. She's been very vulnerable with me but this moment we shared humanized her. It took me by surprised but I also admired it so much. So much. Anyway, she stopped to chitchat in between classes. She'd just finished up and I was waiting to start. It was oddly brief because one second she seemed like she was going somewhere and the next she was speaking to someone and literally walking away from me. I was stunned. Really didn't know what just happened. Did not know what to do with myself. And then she came back around while she was putting up e...

This phase of my life fucking sucks, my God. (Sorry, God) Since my therapist encouraged me to see this phase as the ocean, I'm going to continually lean into that comparison. First off, it's a scary place to be. It's vast and, depending on where you are, seem never ending. It's unpredictable, it can be unforgiving. It's filled with so much uncharted territory. AND it's literally driven people to insanity. So how on Earth do you even begin navigate something like that? It's put me through the fucking ringer in these last two weeks. And at first, it's all I could wallow in. I couldn't believe my thoughts could be so negative. I couldn't understand why I was filled with so much angst and fear. But I had a moment yesterday where I also remembered that I've been pushing hard every time I got pushed back. So in this shitty ocean phase of my life, I seem to volley between two reactions: floating or swimming. So, quick mental recap: I went to my firs...