i figured something out

Really, my therapist figured it out earlier this week. BUT today, I was able to pinpoint the issue.

I had a vacation recently and I've never felt more like myself than I did on vacation.

No worries, no stress. I even talked to the girl at the gym and it didn't send me obsessively catastrophizing. It was so perfectly just great, that I cried when I finally got settled back into my routine.

I couldn't figure out why. I mean, I knew on the surface I was sad that that joy I had on vacation didn't really come back home with me. I didn't know how, I didn't know when. I just knew as soon as I was back on schedule, I was sad again.

My therapist had me do a T-chart to help sort my feelings. One side was the happy things from vacation and the other side was the sad things being back home.

A lot of those sad things circled back to my family. I really feel like my only way to break this cycle, is to get the fuck out of this house.

When I say my family, I really mean my mother. Because I have set boundaries, both physical and personal, I don't have to deal with the family that triggers me. But because my mother has not, I have to hear and be around all the shit that comes from the people that trigger me.

My mother triggers me. 

I realized it today when she brought up my sister for the hundredth fucking time. And the context? 'I know she wasn't lying about this thing that happened because she played me a recording. It was all that boy'

Yeah, I'm sure it was all him because why would the asshole recording record herself being a dick. But let's also ignore every red flag we passed before we even get to her recording an event that could have and should have been avoided.

But instead of doing what I always do, trying to explain to her why something sounds wrong or suspicious so she will consider that before acting on anything, I shut it down.

I don't care. I really fucking don't. I don't care about the bitch that caused me so much fucking pain. I don't give a flying fuck.

And the only reason I shut it down is because I was having a REALLY good day. REALLY good day. And it feels like she took that away from in that moment. After I shut it down, I literally went to my room and started crying.

At first, I thought it was out of agitation. But then it hit me: why is she trying to explain to me why my sister is right? Why is she taking up for her? And logically, I get it. She's doing the same thing to me that I do to her. 

But emotionally? No. Fuck no. Why are you taking up for someone that hurt me? Why are you trying to fix the image I have of her? She HURT me. She really fucking hurt me. Why would my mother, who is aware of my sister's bullshit, try and convince me, the victim, that my sister, the villain, is not a terrible person.

And another realization hit me: it's was the knee jerk reaction she had when I came home literally pissed and crying that Sunday I was shamed in church. No one consoled me. No one tried to take my side. I drove home to my parents to let them know I was hurt and my mom immediately took the pastor's wife's side. And I'm not even exaggerating. She literally told me that what I had on wasn't exactly appropriate.

And my final realization: I don't know that I stabilize my healing here. And that fucking sucks. It really fucking sucks. Because I can't afford to go anywhere. I have a plan but I don't have what I need to execute it.

And because I can't stabilize my healing, when I have triggering moments and don't address them, they get buried and grow out in these catastrophies in my head about everything else but the underlying issue.

And it makes sense. Because actively, when I hit a low point I have learned to find a healthy distraction. So passively, when I hit a low point I guess I still find a distraction, but one far less healthy.

Here in this house, I'm stuck in this cycle of her trying to convince me why the [unhealthy] decisions she's made is a good one so I can co-sign her decision or waste my breath talking her out of it.

I'm not doing this shit. I want out. So I'm gonna keep working towards it.