what living looks like

Really, my therapist figured it out earlier this week. BUT today, I was able to pinpoint the issue. I had a vacation recently and I've never felt more like myself than I did on vacation. No worries, no stress. I even talked to the girl at the gym and it didn't send me obsessively catastrophizing. It was so perfectly just great, that I cried when I finally got settled back into my routine. I couldn't figure out why. I mean, I knew on the surface I was sad that that joy I had on vacation didn't really come back home with me. I didn't know how, I didn't know when. I just knew as soon as I was back on schedule, I was sad again. My therapist had me do a T-chart to help sort my feelings. One side was the happy things from vacation and the other side was the sad things being back home. A lot of those sad things circled back to my family. I really feel like my only way to break this cycle, is to get the fuck out of this house. When I say my family, I really mean my moth...

I asked for another sign today. I think it's clear to say I got it. The first one came yesterday when my therapist cancelled my appointment for Monday. So even though I'd planned on not being at the gym and told that girl I would not be at the gym, I was, in fact, at the gym. At first, I thought she wasn't there. So I was able to relax and kind of settle in and breath easy. I was sitting down, zoning in, and then I heard her voice. My entire being lit up. I got nervous, felt sweaty, and I know she knew it was me sitting in there. Not too long after, she decided to join class a little late. She has not been in a class with me, working out, in like a month. Not only did she join class, she worked out in my line of sight. There was one person in front of me and then some middle of the floor equipment, and then her-- facing my direction and me facing her. She did the same thing last time she was in class with me. She chose a spot where we were facing one another. Well, I was fu...

I would love to wake up in bed after a good night's sleep. My eyes flutter open, and even though I'm a little annoyed that real life has interrupted such a good dream, I'm grateful for this moment. Waking up means my story continues and that's not only exciting, it's an honor and a privilege. I take a deep, refreshing breath and exhale through my nose as I squirm around in bed, trying to nuzzle my way into the comforter for just a second more. I sit in this moment, taking a moment to reflect on the past and assess my now and my 'later today'. I put on my positive attitude, kick my legs over my dog, and get out of bed. I'm content with what I think needs to be done or might come up today and a little happy to start my morning routine. I prompt Google to start a radio based on the music artist that gives me a happy vibe, and get started. I bend down and rub and love on my dog to get a little bit of serotonin to give me a little motivation. Smiling the best...

I've come to a conclusion (for really this time) After learning my core emotions and core identity on accident, I've decided to focus on friendship with this girl. Friendship is what is on the table. Friendship is the only thing that can be on the table, at least right now.  Do I keep getting signs that she's interested? Yes. Does she keep seemingly trying to figure out if I'm gay? I think so. Have I started subliminally leaning into my half-lesbianism? Yes. Signs and hints have been dropped by me. Lots of rainbows, given it's pride month and all. I've also continued to never call her by her name to her face. Sounds impossible, I know. But it's worked out for me so far and I'm sticking with it. I've only ever addressed her by name via text one time. I feel like it keeps me safe if I don't give her that. I feel like there's something that comes with calling someone by name. A level of familiarity.... I can't quite put my finger on it but i...

As of today, I think me and her are going to be just friends. Compared to how flirty and bubbly she was with me in class last week, she was not that today. She was very reserved. Still friendly but not as enthusiastic. So maybe I have been reading things wrong. I didn't think I was. A part of me still thinks I wasn't.  BUT I'm supposed to be focusing on what is happening. And what is happening right now is a developing friendship. So I'm gonna take that for what it is and not what it could be. She also offered to talk weekly if I'd like. I really don't know if that would be best. I reeeeeeaaally enjoy our talks but now I'm afraid I'm flying too close to the sun. Another day of uncertainty, I guess.