vulnerability hangover

I met with the girl at the gym today.

Honestly, my life is one step ahead of my therapy right now. Which really isn't good or bad. It's just that usually I felt more in control of where my life was going. I'd leave therapy and have a plan of offense. Not I'm playing more defense than ever.

Anyways, I met with her.

I have been actively avoiding her for forever. Am I infatuated we with her? Just a little lol. But that is why I've been trying to steer clear of her.

She made that damn near impossible this week. And I am the one who unintentionally opened that door. I thought I was sharing just enough but apparently it was just alarming enough.

I thought I'd write down everything single thing that happened so I wouldn't forget but I think I'll just hit the highlights.

- She does have a girlfriend. And she's trying to "figure her situation out" right now

- She is just like me. She married someone who was bipolar and she's married a narcissist before. 

- She did "professionally" ask if I was single.

- She did encourage me to start small with making relationships here, but also hinted I shouldn't get like "involved-involved" with anyone

- She is very smart. Lots of tips, life experience

- She can see me. It's another trauma thing. Like trauma can see trauma. I actually told her I've told other people it feels like she can see me. And she called referred to it as being hyper-vigilant.

- She gave me some workouts to do for active recovery.

I have a vulnerability hangover because I shared. I didn't even share a lot. But the things I did share...I feel almost guilty. And some regret from sharing at all.

She handled it well. She didn't make me feel uncomfortable at all. It's just I'm not used to doing it and it feels wrong.

I keep thinking I said too much, maybe I over spoke, did I repeat myself, did I answer her questions. I don't know.

But I knew it was coming. I had a gut feeling. 

And I still have a gut feeling about her.

She just... I can't put my finger on it.

But she can read me like a fucking book just about and I cave almost immediately.