i googled her

So, really quick. I have been going around in CIRCLES about my Gym Crush.

Since I last wrote about her, she followed me on Instagram-- at prime booty call hours.

I was high as a kite sitting on the toilet when I got the notification. The smile on my face was immediate and permanent lol. 

I immediately went creeping. And we are very similar. VERY.

She had a pretty straightforward profile. Her captions were very personal. I couldn't figure out if this one girl is her girlfriend or not. 

Since then, she added Highlights to her profile. Immediately took a dive. And I'm leaning more towards that girl being her girlfriend.

Dissappointed but not really deterred. I'm not sure why. Usually that's my sign to cry and exit left. But I have done neither. 

I do feel like we're at least going to be friends. Were too similar not to be.

At first it was a feeling. A very unsettling feeling. I finally figured out why she fucks with my head without doing anything. 

She sees me. Or at least it feels like it. When she looks at me, I swear she can see me. I mean, I've spent my life hiding in this sea of people so I was safe. And it feels like she's not only seen me amongst the sea, she sees all of me. It's disarming and very unsettling to feel so vulnerable around a stranger.

I had a gut feeling that if she can see me, she must be like me. Either she is as fucked up or more fucked up than me. Because the only way you can see me and disarm me is if you've experienced the same pain or something worse.

And then I Googled her. I immediately regretted it.  I came across an interview where she talks a bit about what it was like for her growing up and let's just say she's more fucked up. Not that that's a bad thing. I'm just mad and sad that:

1. I was right 

2. That I read something that felt so personal. Even though it was her interview, it still felt like a story that should be told, not read.

3. She went through so much shit. No one should have to go through the shit she talked about. And if that's what she felt comfortable talking about, God only knows the shit she's been through.

To top it off 2019/2020 was a tough year for her. Big life changes. Same for me. I had about 3 rough years back to back 2018-2020. 

So we are in fact very similar. I just really want to talk to her about all the things. 

But, at the same time, I'm scared to even try to get close because I know even a friendship with her will be real. And by real, I mean it's going to be full of all the things that scare me about getting close to people.

And now that I know these things about her (for sure), I feel like I see her. I see me in her.

And I'm terrified to see where that leads.