existential crisis, take two

I am going THRU IT right now.

I'm am on my second existential crisis; for this year and in life in general.

I've Googled all the things, tried a few of them so now I'm going to try riding my thoughts all the way through via writing instead of trying to force them down.

"What do I think could've triggered this one?"

#1: My dad has officially moved out

While this is a good thing, I don't think I ever believed it would happen. I didn't believe my mom was going to follow through with it. I thought my dad would put up more of a fuss or start being mean and vindictive. I thought my family back home would rally around us just to be nosey. I thought alot of things, but I never gave much though to him actually moving out.

Now that he has, I'm glad. It was an uncomfortable process but not really painful or hard. Maybe emotionally difficult for me. Fielding my anger while trying to shield my mom was a big task I'd taken upon myself. I really wish she would start therapy. She's going through the stages of grief as well as what I guess I would call withdrawals from a narcissist that kind of remind me of Stockholm Syndrome.

I am angry at my dad because what a shit person but if I had to really look past my anger to see what other emotions lied beneath, I would say I feel withdrawn from it all. I have withdrawn from him ever since he stole from me. Now that he's finally facing the music, it feels like justice but not really a justice for me.

And now, here come the tears. I think I know now what this is. 

#2: This is another instance where I feel like no one stood up for me

When we found out he stole from me, my mom was going to leave him. They told us they were splitting up. He wouldn't confess to anything, wouldn't pull records to show how much he'd stolen., and didn't pay me back a fucking dime. 

It was an ultimate betrayal; he betrayed me. He betrayed me and he did not care to resolve anything. I trusted him simply because he is my father and he took advantage of me.

It's another instance of me being vulnerable, belly up and being hurt tremendously.

The only reason my parents stayed together was because of the church.

The pastor's wife met with my mom separately and pressured her to stay with him for optics. 'How would people at the church feel if one of the longest married couples separated?'

The same pastor's wife that walked me out of the back of church and said all of those mean things to me.

When I chose to break off that church relationship, my mom and dad looked past their anger and chose to stay. 

When I chose to end my relationship with my dad the first time, I just knew my mom would be by my side. Instead, she took a few steps with me and then turned back.

When I chose to end my relationship with my sister, my mom looked past my hurt and chose to placate her.

I know at the end of the day it's more important for me to put my needs first. But it's a lonely journey when it the most important person in my life doesn't walk along side me.

#3: The sexual identity crisis

My sexual identity for 27 years of my life has been "me, the virgin' which turned into "me, the virgin who is very into kink" about 5 years ago.

Last year I decided that I would take the next few years to find my husband or find a man to fuck the shit out of me lol. 

Imagine my surprise when I meet this girl who makes me question everything. She seems to sniff out my kink, see my inner child/the person I really am, and who's hot as shit. I've gone from staring down the fine men at the gym to trying to avoid eye-fucking her in my free time. AND to top it off, I don't even know if she is attracted to me. 

I mean, I have a hunch but I'm not certain at all.

And to try and balance the logic of "maybe I'm only attracted to her because of my family drama right now; it's just a distraction reaction" with the emotions of "I want to spend the rest of my life with this stranger who probably doesn't even notice me" is fucking wild.

I like her, so does that mean I like all girls? Do I like only girls? Am I bisexual? Am I gay for her? Or have I been gay this whole time and that's why I've never had sex? If we have sex who fucks whom? Do I have to eat her out? Do I want to eat her out? I thought I didn't like vagina. Am I wasting all this time overthinking and analyzing over what might be just a simple harmless girl crush in the end? Or is this the love of my life? Also, would she choke me just a little during sex?

Like, what if I like her and she doesn't like me? I know the world won't end but I'd definitely be hurt. OR what if I like her and she does like me? I think I'm ready to be intimate with someone physically and mentally, but I know it's going to be a process. Would she be patient? OOOOR what if I make myself stop liking her and she likes me? 

#4: I read the letter to my mom

I thought I would be nervous. I feel like I was supposed to be nervous. I even acted nervous, but I was surprisingly composed.

I didn't feel sick. I didn't cry. I did kind of read it fast, so maybe I was a bit nervous lol. 

But I read it and she doesn't hate me. I read it and I don't regret it. I read it and I feel free, at peace. 

I'm really glad that I wrote it. 

I didn't wait for a perfect moment. Up until that point, I was really trying to plan for one. 

"Should I do it before or after I bath? Should I do it before or after I eat? I have to eat something from a restaurant I'll never go back to do I don't have to worry about eating there again and being reminded of this moment"

My sisters were there and were receptive. My mom was receptive and even apologetic. And she was very understanding.

So now that I've shared my trauma, I feel so set free. That burden of worry and stress is gone. 

There are just so many big life changes happening that I never really thought would be happening. I'm not sure where to go from here. I mean, logically I just pick back up with my rooutine: work, gym, art, family.

But emotionally, I think I'm stuck.

I just always assumed and hell even accepted that some things would never change. But now that they have, I'm not really sure where to go from here.

I don't know what to do with this new found freedom.