fucked up

This girl at the gym is fucking my head up and she doesn't even know it. I don't think. 

I discovered Fantasy Bonds a few months ago and instantly connected with them and their origin. It's basically this relationship you build in your head around someone you like. And the reason you create this fantasy is so you can avoid the risks of real-life relationships. AND it usually stems from trauma. AND the icing on the cake is even though you know all these things to be true, past trauma still makes you feel the need to earn this person's attention, love, and or affection.

Logically you're aware but your trauma almost self-drives your emotions past the logic.

Anyways, I have that again with her. When I realized this "fantasy bond" thing was real, not only did I instantly feel seen and normal, I immediately thought 'Im never getting stuck in one of those again'

And now, look at my dumbass.

I'm nervous around her, I avoid her when I can, I try not to look at her but find myself looking for her so I can not look at her. But I also try to be nice to her without being weird.

Completely failed at that shit yesterday, let me tell you

I embarrassed myself and I think I was accidentally rude to her in a moment where I was trying to be awkward and funny. She did come back around and joke with me but I also was coughing and tearing up because my throat was dry.

It was a lot lol. It's hilarious but I also have this itching thought of 'fuck me, does she hate me now'

And I'm glad I'm writing about this because I just got the clarity I needed.

I've been overthinking whether or not I should apologize or try to butter her up and I think I'm just going to let life roll on now. I thought I wanted to comfort her in case I hurt her feelings, but I know now that that's not the case.

I'm not worried about if I hurt her feelings. I mean, I am but it's all based around this idea of "earning affection." I'm trying to make amends in order to keep this fantasy alive. So much so I considered telling her I'm only weird around her because I find her attractive. I'm not sure trying to make her feel better; I'm trying to make myself look better.

Which I'm glad I didn't do because that would've been embarrassing as shit, oh my gah.

Dear future me (if you're reading this back) this is why it's important to write your thoughts. Cause bitch we almost jumped ship.

I'm gonna just take this moment and be humbled.