fuck a fantasy bond

I think this girl definitely has a girlfriend.

At this point, I don't fucking know. I don't understand. But also, I do understand.

Like, I don't get why I keep doing this to myself when I know the gotdamn outcome. I have never ended up with one of these fantasy bond crushes. It has never led to jack shit.

But I also understand why I do/get them. It's just frustrating.

Because logically, I don't think this girl is even worried about me. She might not even pay me any attention besides the fact that I go to the same fucking gym.

Emotionally, I am gotdamn heart eyes on a pile of shit.

Constantly talking myself of out these thoughts, but then daydreaming about how things could be and trying to wish and long myself nearer this person is never gonna work.

And I'm not mad at myself, I'm just mad at the circumstances.

There were so many things that I'd told myself meant something. If a guy did it, 80% sure it would have. But since it's a girl AND I don't fuck about shit when it comes to flirting or being pursued even looks like 'maybe it's a sign' 'is this light flirting' 'does she like me'

Maybe it's not a sign. It's possible that it's just a polite conversation. She probably does like me-- as a person.

I just ran with things, being hopeful in the process that would not have phased me if someone else had done it.

UGH! I was doing so good until she called me a "good girl"

What is even the point of being googly eyed anymore. I don't understand it. I hate it here right now.

If she likes me, she's a big girl. I'm sure she'd let me know. 

I just can't keep hoping. It sucks.

Future me, remember that sometimes it's just a coincidence. Not everything means something. And I hope that the person who wants us will make it clear to us.

Keep loving yourself and maybe try honoring your feelings. Demote your fantasy bonds. View them as "if onlys" instead of "it's only a matter of time".