caught slipping

Well, fuck.

I'm here so obviously some sort of shit has hit the fan.

And, I mean, if it had to be some kind of shit I'd rather it be this kind. I guess. Given the circumstances.

I have been dreading today since Friday. I had a gym meeting today with da cutie.

So, I dreaded going for two reasons:

1. The meeting was about going over my body stats since joining
2. It was with her

And coming in third, surprising the shit out of me, it was very personal. Like not just about gym stuff; about my personal mental well-being.

I didn't want to go, but I knew it was an important step for me because I usually don't like "scoring myself".

I realized why today. It was something I think I've always known, but never voiced.

The whole thing is based around me being academically successful in school as a kid. The standard was "make all A's or you're in trouble. you're smart enough so you don't have any excuses"

The reality was even when I made all A's, I couldn't get rewarded because my sister would complain. But on the other hand if I didn't make all A's, I was in trouble. It's very fucked up.

So I knew going into this, I was going to either allow a "good score" to slow me down or I was going to beat myself up over a "bad score".

I can't even stop crying while I type this. I was more nervous about being in a closed room with this cute girl. So to be blindsided by all these emotions is a little shocking.

Ok. Deep Breaths.

It didn't even dawn on me until I was lifting with a partner at the gym. She couldn't lift as much as me and she made a slight little comment. I truly don't believe she meant anything by it, but it triggered me nonetheless.

It made me realize what my issue was and it gassed me up enough to push past it. No, maybe she can't lift as much as me but that doesn't mean I need to minimize my own accomplishments on her account.

So I added even more weight until I gassed out.

Which was one of the ultimate goals after this meeting today. So, back to that.

I was so nervous and afraid, I was legitimately trembling. And looking back now, that visceral reaction was my Body Keep[ing] the Score. I may have mentally been able to push past it, but physically I had to fight through it.

Then I sat down and talked with her about my "score" not being ideal but also not terrible. 

The whole time I was thinking "I'm eating better, I'm working out, this will be fine"

Aaaaaaabsolutely the fuck not lol.

She looked dead at me (with her beautiful face) and said "well stress and sleep also affect your score. how's that for you?"

And I literally went wide-eyed and said "OH!" Well, there's the gotdamn issue.

I gave her a brief summary but to hear that my first score was taken in Feb and this one in April and to  then realize aaaaaaaaall the shit that has happened has only happened in a matter of two months....fucked me up something fierce.

We did talk some more about some fixes, strategies etc. And I checked her out while I had straight up fucking fear face.

But, I've given up faster for less reason. I'm just glad I was able to show up, trembling and all.

I wish I wasn't trembling, but it happened. But I don't think I'm nervous about her anymore.

For some reason, giving my shit a voice really helped me realize "yes I think she's hot and would still like her to jump my bones BUT ALSO the crush likely does have some basis in escapism"

So for now, I'm going to just treat her like a friend and leave it at that.

She saw me at a 7/10 of my worst today. She's so fucking disarming it's scary.

I'm gonna stick with friendship though. She is a nice person and reminds me alot of myself.

Not gonna lie though, her telling me what strategies to do was really giving D/s....but I'm gonna look past it. She's literally a coach. That's what coaches do.