what living looks like

Well, fuck. I'm here so obviously some sort of shit has hit the fan. And, I mean, if it had to be some kind of shit I'd rather it be this kind. I guess. Given the circumstances. I have been dreading today since Friday. I had a gym meeting today with da cutie. So, I dreaded going for two reasons: The meeting was about going over my body stats since joining It was with her And coming in third, surprising the shit out of me, it was very personal. Like not just about gym stuff; about my personal mental well-being. I didn't want to go, but I knew it was an important step for me because I usually don't like "scoring myself". I realized why today. It was something I think I've always known, but never voiced. The whole thing is based around me being academically successful in school as a kid. The standard was "make all A's or you're in trouble. you're smart enough so you don't have any excuses" The reality was even when I made all A's...

I have legit been putting this off for months. Today, I realized just how much it has been affecting me and knew it was time to write this letter. I really don't know how I want to frame it, but I do want you to know that I love you and have some stuff to say. Around Christmas, I learned about my childhood. I got to realize who I was as a child and just how I have carried that into my adulthood. I always assumed that just because my childhood wasn't the worse, that it couldn't have been that bad. But after giving attention to so many problems that I face that I've ignored and downplayed, I realized my childhood wasn't the greatest. I thought about so many ways to present this and so many many MANY other excuses as to why I shouldn't. I think I'm just going to present it with the perspective I have today because it's part of my current truth. There were many things I needed, but didn't get from my parents. Many instances I felt like I wasn't impor...

I think this girl definitely has a girlfriend. At this point, I don't fucking know. I don't understand. But also, I do understand. Like, I don't get why I keep doing this to myself when I know the gotdamn outcome. I have never ended up with one of these fantasy bond crushes. It has never led to jack shit. But I also understand why I do/get them. It's just frustrating. Because logically, I don't think this girl is even worried about me. She might not even pay me any attention besides the fact that I go to the same fucking gym. Emotionally, I am gotdamn heart eyes on a pile of shit. Constantly talking myself of out these thoughts, but then daydreaming about how things could be and trying to wish and long myself nearer this person is never gonna work. And I'm not mad at myself, I'm just mad at the circumstances. There were so many things that I'd told myself meant something. If a guy did it, 80% sure it would have. But since it's a girl AND I don't ...

This girl at the gym is fucking my head up and she doesn't even know it. I don't think.  I discovered Fantasy Bonds a few months ago and instantly connected with them and their origin. It's basically this relationship you build in your head around someone you like. And the reason you create this fantasy is so you can avoid the risks of real-life relationships. AND it usually stems from trauma. AND the icing on the cake is even though you know all these things to be true, past trauma still makes you feel the need to earn this person's attention, love, and or affection. Logically you're aware but your trauma almost self-drives your emotions past the logic. Anyways, I have that again with her. When I realized this "fantasy bond" thing was real, not only did I instantly feel seen and normal, I immediately thought 'Im never getting stuck in one of those again' And now, look at my dumbass. I'm nervous around her, I avoid her when I can, I try not to ...