to my dad
Our lives are paved by two types of decisions: the decisions others make and the decisions we make ourselves.
There is only one of those that we can control.
I cannot control the decisions that others make but I can control what I decide to do about it.
Today, I decide to accept my past and choose my future.
Accepting my past was not an easy task because it holds so much. I didn't even really realize just how much was there until a few months ago. In that time, I really dug deep to figure out why I am who I am. It was very hard time for me because it required me to be very honest about a lot of things in my past I'd taught myself to ignore a long time ago. There were a lot of things I didn't like but there was no way to change any of it. So I thought if I ignored it, it would go away and I could move on with my life and be fine. But the older I got, the more stuck I felt in this endless loop of crap and I could not figure out why.
Turns out, my past didn't just go away. It was clinging to me, weighing me down, and holding me back. Realizing I was stuck in my past and then realizing all the hard truths that came with it was difficult. I questioned everything, I felt lost, I was sad, I was angry. But more importantly, I was aware. I was aware of what had me trapped which meant I had an important decision to make. Did I want to continue to ignore my past and stay stuck in the trap or did I want to acknowledge my past and work to set myself free?
I knew what it felt like to be stuck but I longed to know what it felt like to be free.
That moment months ago was the first time I didn't feel helpless or hopeless. I understood and accepted that I could not go back in time and I could not change the decisions made by others. So I chose to be free.
In this moment, I'm choosing to stay committed to a future where I am not trapped by the past. I'm deciding to not let the unhealthy decisions that live in the past keep me from experiencing the fullness of my life. My past may have molded and shaped me but it will not define me.
I will never have all the answers to all the questions about my past and that's fine. Knowing everything about my past won't change my past experience because I've already lived it. And I know if I decide to seek peace by digging for explanations on decisions made by others, I can only do that by staying stuck in my past.
I know my past will never have everything I wanted nor will it ever have everything I needed, but I still got what I needed from it.
The real peace comes from understanding your potential despite your past.
I have finally found that peace and nothing in this world will ever make me let it go.
So, although my past may hold lots of everything but it will never hold me hostage again.
Our lives are paved by two types of decisions. We may never know all of the ones that led us to this point but it's important to remember that the only decisions that define us are the ones we make ourselves. What we decide to do for ourselves with the knowledge and experience we do and/or don't have is what's most important.
I will always decide to choose my future because it holds the most important thing in life: hope.
I love myself too much to let that go.
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