new discoveries

I don't really want to write tonight. I'd rather avoid confronting my feelings and ideas so I don't have to think about addressing them.

BUT knowing how I feel and accepting it instead of making excuses to hide it is growth.

So, to compromise, I'm going to do a list of my newest discoveries about my relationship with self and those around me.

1. The girl I don't like at work is quitting. I'm happy about it because her negativity is leaving but I'm also fearful because it puts more on my plate. More on my plate gives my imposter syndrome.
2. The other girl I work with, I've gotten to know alot better. We talked through alot of our feelings about work and life. I like her. I think she's a good egg.
3. I also trust her in this upcoming journey.
4. I had imposter syndrome at my last job and ended up basically running the front office. Now that I have it again, I'm faithful in navigating it this time. I'm in a better place mentally and I actually trust the person I'm working for/with.
5. I'm leaning into honesty and authenticity intentionally to be sure I'm true to myself, especially in my relationships with others.
6. Having to be an adult as a child was traumatic for me as a kid. I didn't even realize this until my therapist pointed it out. And to confirm it, she asked me questions about how actions/decisions I made as a child made me feel now in retrospect. And let me tell you, she was fucking right. It absolutely was traumatic. I was backed into a corner mentally and my only way out was to lead myself with the limited knowledge I had of the world all while staying in the guidelines of 'behaving correctly' as a child. Being forced to 'stay in a child's place' even though I felt like I no adults in my corner when I needed them was the absolute worse.
7. I don't remember alot of my childhood. I've generally been aware of this and honestly assumed it was common. 
8. Memory loss is common-- among people who suffered long-term abuse at the hand of a narcissist. 
9. The sister I don't like is a narcissist. I assumed this last year based on that Red Table Talk and some Googling I did. My therapist mentioned in passing that she may have a personality disorder but she couldn't professionally diagnose her because she did not know her personally. How do I know my sister is really a narcissist? 
10. I was looking for books on trauma and came across this one: 'Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD' by Linda Hill. I bought it a while ago and just started reading it this week. My sister is by the fucking book. My PTSD that I unknowingly have is by the book. My memory loss, my anxiety, my self-doubt, the way I see myself, etc. It was like another piece of my puzzle just snapped into place.
11. I also have a codepency issue with my mother. I want to talk to her about her accidental role in my trauma but I fear her reaction will be one of pain, disappointment, deflection, and/or shame.

Even with all of this, starting that book made me realize I can trust myself. I survived leaving my sister all on my own without any professional help. I can trust myself to make the right decisions for myself.