what living looks like

Nigga, You ain't shit. I've been wanting to say that since I've learned all this stuff about you a few weeks ago. Let's start with some niceties; grace, if you will. I'm sorry no one ever held you accountable for your actions. Your parents, your siblings, your teachers, your friends and other family. I'm sorry you thought never it necessary to change your behavior. I'm sorry I never showed my anger towards you as a child. I'm sorry you had so many people enable you. Your parents and our pastors. Now, a hard truth or few. You have so many fucking chances to make healthier choices. To be a better brother, to be a better husband, to be a better dad, to be a better leader. Hell, a better person. Just because no one has probably ever held your accountable doesn't mean they didn't try. It means they either gave up or they ignored it. Maybe both. Either way, your actions affected the people you surrounded yourself with. And in the cases where their ange...

Our lives are paved by two types of decisions: the decisions others make and the decisions we make ourselves. There is only one of those that we can control. I cannot control the decisions that others make but I can control what I decide to do about it. Today, I decide to accept my past and choose my future. Accepting my past was not an easy task because it holds so much. I didn't even really realize just how much was there until a few months ago. In that time, I really dug deep to figure out why I am who I am. It was very hard time for me because it required me to be very honest about a lot of things in my past I'd taught myself to ignore a long time ago. There were a lot of things I didn't like but there was no way to change any of it. So I thought if I ignored it, it would go away and I could move on with my life and be fine. But the older I got, the more stuck I felt in this endless loop of crap and I could not figure out why. Turns out, my past didn't just go away....

I don't really want to write tonight. I'd rather avoid confronting my feelings and ideas so I don't have to think about addressing them. BUT knowing how I feel and accepting it instead of making excuses to hide it is growth. So, to compromise, I'm going to do a list of my newest discoveries about my relationship with self and those around me. The girl I don't like at work is quitting. I'm happy about it because her negativity is leaving but I'm also fearful because it puts more on my plate. More on my plate gives my imposter syndrome. The other girl I work with, I've gotten to know alot better. We talked through alot of our feelings about work and life. I like her. I think she's a good egg. I also trust her in this upcoming journey. I had imposter syndrome at my last job and ended up basically running the front office. Now that I have it again, I'm faithful in navigating it this time. I'm in a better place mentally and I actually trust the pe...