my inner child

Today in therapy I learned that my inner child is an adult woman in a three-piece suit.

At first, and still kinda right now, I was shook as shit.

But then it's like I was solidified in that moment. So many pieces that meant nothing by themselves just came together to make this complete picture in my mind.

It was so freaking obvious, but it wasn't.

I don't know. It felt sad to realize I've never truly been able to fully be a child that enjoyed the freedom of not  having any fucks to give. Of course, I've had moments where I had zero fucks, but I was quickly reeled back in with some sort of discipline.

There was shame around being free; shame around just doing kid stuff. I wasn't really allowed to enjoy myself the way I truly wanted to. With a mix of my mom being strict and overprotective and expecting nothing less than the best, my sister boxing me in to keep herself center of attention, and my dad being present physically but not really as active as I would've liked, I had to grow up fast. Which I knew, but I don't think I fully realized the extent of that or the implications of it.

On the other hand, I've always had trouble enjoying things I liked the older I got. I literally gave away my Nintendo DS when I went off to college because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. I didn't think anyone in college played video games so I got rid of mine because it was the mature and right thing to do. I didn't want to do it; I loved playing it and it was still pretty new to me. But I did it anyway because "you're supposed to" and then I went to college and made friends with gamers. It was upsetting and I still remember being so mad at myself.

A ton of my decisions in life were/kind of still are based on "what I should be doing." I just never realized, as a kid, that's what I was doing. I didn't know it wasn't wrong to be myself. I just didn't know.

But now that I do know and understand, I can't believe I didn't put it together on my own. It's plain as day and it's so ingrained in me that I never looked close enough at what was right in front of me.

I couldn't decorate my room like a kid would, I couldn't play outside like kids would, I couldn't dress myself like a kid. A lot of my early expression was muffled.

My therapist called my "inner child" an ember I've been unknowingly protecting and holding on to all this time.

And she's so right. It's been there and I've let it seep into parts of my life without ever even knowing that's what it was. There are so many forms of expression I've passively used and it's been my inner child this entire time. How I decorate my space, my art forms, the way I dress, my personality, it all just makes so much sense.

It hurt to realize but I'm glad I know now. I'm glad I can be one with myself. I never understood that until now, but I get it.

So, future adultier me, today was the day I reached back and grabbed younger me's hand, giving her the attention she needed, listening to her instead of just hearing her, validating her.

It feels good. I'm disappointed at the truth but happier for knowing myself this much more.