what living looks like

I did so many things tonight that I never imagined was possible! After learning about my inner child yesterday, I did sulk a little last night. Not gonna lie. But today. Today, a bitch LIVED!!! I bought a Nintendo Switch for Christmas. It was expensive but affordable. I've wanted once since the pandemic, but back then I really couldn't afford it so I invested that money instead. And even though I made a good decision, looking back at it I can see that I chose what I felt I "should" do vs what I really wanted to do. I went to my first company Christmas party. First ever in my life and first ever with this company. It was magical. Magical! I invited a friend to come with me so I wouldn't be alone and I had the absolute best time. It was awkward for she who shan't be named BUT this ain't about her. It's about me. The party was amazing. It was beautiful. The company owners raved about me to me. They were pleasant to be around and it really felt like I was ...

Today in therapy I learned that my inner child is an adult woman in a three-piece suit. At first, and still kinda right now, I was shook as shit. But then it's like I was solidified in that moment. So many pieces that meant nothing by themselves just came together to make this complete picture in my mind. It was so freaking obvious, but it wasn't. I don't know. It felt sad to realize I've never truly been able to fully be a child that enjoyed the freedom of not  having any fucks to give. Of course, I've had moments where I had zero fucks, but I was quickly reeled back in with some sort of discipline. There was shame around being free; shame around just doing kid stuff. I wasn't really allowed to enjoy myself the way I truly wanted to. With a mix of my mom being strict and overprotective and expecting nothing less than the best, my sister boxing me in to keep herself center of attention, and my dad being present physically but not really as active as I would'...