bookmark

Today was meh.

Last week was rough.

Saturday, I realized I've been depressed.

Even though today was meh, I've decided to bookmark this moment in time.

Today is the day I decided to work past my road blocks at work and continue being my authentic self.

I could dump sooooo much fucking anger into this blog right now. So. Much. But if I ever find myself reading old posts, I want this one to be about a positive life decision I made in the midst of negative bullshit. It will hopefully serve as reminder that I can persevere in spite of.

Today's therapy session was rough. I started off by letting my therapist know:

1. I'm depressed and have been for a week and a half.
2. I need help figuring out how to pull myself out of this cycle I keep finding myself in.

We addressed the depression by evaluating how I came to that conclusion. Then I jumped into work stuff because even though it is its own beast, I know I've fought this fight before.

I seem to always find myself in situations where no matter how good of a person I try to be, people will find a way to make me the villain in their story.

Now, I can take a moment to congratulate myself on how I've successfully broken one part of that cycle. I am no longer shrinking myself to make other people who seem intimidated by me feel better about themselves. But, the other side of that coin is blank.

I know what the alternative is (being authentic, honest, etc) but I don't know what that looks like without harboring guilt and frustration and so much anger and so much second-guessing myself. Am I really a good person if I keep finding myself in situations like this? Am I the problem?

Today, my therapist flushed out the other side of that coin for me.

I'll start with what I feel is most important: two questions to ask myself when I'm in this cycle:

1. What role did I honestly play in this drama triangle?
2. Does anyone else seem to be in a separate but similar drama triangle with the same person as me?

If both of those answers lead me back to the person antagonizing me being the issue, then I can find peace in knowing I've done nothing wrong in this scenario. I can let go of the guilt, the shame, anger and frustration.

So what's the other side of that coin look like? Accepting that someone can have an issue with me even if I'm not causing the issue. Accepting who I am, boldly standing in my truth, and remembering that no matter how vulnerable it feels, I can have faith in knowing I'm going to come out of this ok.

So, future me. You may have cussed up a fucking storm in your last post, releasing a whooooole lotta anger and pissed off-edness. But just remember, no matter how you felt, you did the right thing in retreating when you could've have disrespected, thinking before you act/speak, and extending grace even in moments of frustration. You handled this all the best way possible in this situation, putting your anger to the side when bigger feelings needed to be addressed, holding your own in conflict, and holding others to the fire when necessary. 

You are extra-ordinary and that's your truth. And it's an ok truth to have. I hope you continue to live in your fullness with no guilt or shame attached. You have great things in you that are meant for the world. 

As you walk through life, take breaks as you need to and remember that you can keep moving forward in darkness. Even if it's on your hands and knees.

I love you. Go do great things.