where the ugly things are

 I've felt off the past few weeks.

Due to alot of things that boil down to three things really:

  1. slight vertigo because of swollen lymph nodes
  2. because my scalp flared up weeks ago and I've been out of medicine for a little over a month
  3. because I didn't want to address my bottled up emotions; I hid from them
So, what are the emotions I've bottled up: fear and anger immediately come to mind.

Basically, I'm angry but I'm scared to address that anger in a healthy way because of the responses I may get and how it may make me look.

So, until I can get to therapy and unpack my fucked up vulnerability issues, let's go down the list of grievances I have using this healthy outlet to get out the unhealthy parts of my anger I'd like to release.

Also, I'm high. I just took a little hair pull break. Nothing major. And I just turned on my Headspace rain.

Let's fucking go. Christmas is coming early.

TO: The Bitch 

    1. Fuck you, you stupid fucking bitch.
    2. You aaaaaaalways have a problem with SOMETHING. 
    3. Stop looking to stir the fucking pot.
    4. You are not always right.
    5. Some of your ideas are shit.
    6. Why do you need to shit on my ideas?
    7. Why are you so fucking DEFENSIVE?
    8. You're attitude is exhausting sometimes.
    9. I cannot trust you.
    10. I do not know how to label you in my life. I don't know what fucking box to compartmentalize your dumb ass in because
    11. You are SO fucking hot and cold.
    12. How can you be so bitchy to people who make mistakes and/or need help 
    13. How can you thing kee-kee with those same people.
    14. Your attitude is so ugly.
    15. Sometimes I want to punch your stupid face but
    16. I settle for rolling my eyes at you when you finally walk away
    17. Sometimes, you have good moments. But
    18. The 16 reasons you get on my fucking nerves trump all of those moments for me because
    19. They make you look like a 2-faced bitch I can't trust
    20. You get on my fucking nerves 88% of the time, and you know what they say about 12
    21. They say, fuck 12 you stupid bitch

TO: The Dick

    1. What the fuck happened to you?
    2. Why did you financially abandon and burden your family?
    3. Why did you emotionally abandon your family?
    4. Why do you act so fucking stupid?
    5. Why don't you make any efforts towards being better?
    6. Even when you seem to work towards something, you shit the bed in the most you way imaginable.
    7. Why do you even stay around?
    8. Why do you pretend like everything is fine?
    9. How can you sit on your ass everyday knowing the pain you caused?
    10. Do you even know and understand how much pain you caused?
    11. Do you even care about us because
    12. IF you did, you have a shitty fucking way of showing it
    13. You're a piece of shit liar and I don't trust you either.
    14. Guilt and pain don't have to eat at you, but you sure as shit aren't letting it motivate you either.
    15. Fuck you to the highest of the highs and then some.

TO: The Voice

    1. Maybe take a moment to listen to me instead of just hearing 
    2. You get on my last nerve when you press me on topics that don't require so much force
    3. If I deaded something and you bring it back up, I want to fight you
    4. Stop coming to me and introducing these "new realizations and lessons" you've learned that I've literally already tried to teach you because
    5. Repeating something to me that I originally told you tells me you aren't listening to 
    6. When you invite someone into your space with the intention of giving them your attention, give them you gotdamn attention
So if that's the bare, ugly anger, what's the fear?

The fear is:
  1. I have to find a way to value my feelings
  2. But also package and present them in a respectful way to value their recipient
  3. Only for them to possibly 
    • be hurt 
    • be pissed
    • be hurtful towards me
  4. And then I've just wasted time and energy because I invested into something that wasn't worth either in the end.
  5. And then I'm angry because of it and the cycle starts over again.

 

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