my britches fit

After spending the last week and some change worrying about whether or not speaking up for myself at work would be the right thing to do, stressing, contemplating, overthinking, crying, pulling my hair etc, I found peace.

The very revelation that started this all, finally came full circle to ease my mind. 

I'll hopefully finish the other piece that explains everything in more (painful) detail, but in short as a child I was always minimized when it came to my input and efforts. I was repeatedly told that I was too young to know what I'm talking about or not old enough to understand.

Realizing that I'd fallen into the same role at work shook me to my core. I haven't freaked out that bad in a while. It felt as if I was drowning in life yet again. I was flailing, I couldn't breathe, I felt powerless and loss to the chaos.

And I know I was drowning. Figuratively, but still lol. I really was drowning. I've been inching into the deep end at a steady pace, building up the courage to stay the course. It was going well. I'd been coping, using my medicine, etc. But that revelation felt like an unexpected wave that overtook me, flipped me feet up to the sky, and pushed me under. 

I couldn't think fast enough. I could flail but I couldn't stay upright, I couldn't get enough air. But there was one help I didn't count on. One thing I didn't realize would pay off, but I'm so thankful I listened to my last therapist.

Even though I couldn't see it and didn't know how it would work, I allowed myself to be more vulnerable with close friends and family towards the end of last year. I've opened up more and shared not everything but enough of some things so I'm not left alone to my own overthinking devices. So, how did it pay off?

Because I was so used to sharing thoughts and fears I would usually harbor, I've communicated all the feels when I hit this rough patch simply out of habit. 

So when I knew I was drowning, I had unexpected help on the sidelines prepped and ready to go. I didn't even really have to ask for it either. The more I shared, the more they supported. My friends and family and my therapist became my Lifeguards, helping me in ways I never saw coming.

So yes, I had been drowning again, but this time was different. This time I had help on hand; I didn't have to go looking for it. It was there when I needed it.

I wasn't alone. I'm not alone.

Now, lets circle back to the title of this post. After getting help and encouragement from all my peoples, I was finally able to refocus. I shifted from freaking out because of water surrounding and overtaking me and focused on myself in the water. I checked in [with myself].

I was using my voice during a conversation at work and it hit me. I looked past the panic of "ohmygah I'm almost thirty" and found peace in that same statement.

I'm almost thirty. No, I'm not a kid anymore and I need to "get my life together". But also *ding ding*, hello?! I'm not a fucking kid anymore. 

My voice matters. What I have to say matters. I can no longer be silenced because I'm too young to know what I'm talking about and not old enough to understand. My wisdom is no longer packaged in a kids body.

Bitch, I am a woman.

This world can disagree with me, this world can negate me, this world can push me back. But this world is gonna have to do a hell of a lot more in order to silence me and "put me in my place".

My age is no longer an acceptable excuse to belittle or minimize me. I am not a child.

I'm not "too big for my britches" anymore.

I've grown into these britches and will be officially be strutting around in them until the day I'm no longer here lol. 

Even if my job situation doesn't work out, it will work out. Because I will have peace with dissolving a relationship after putting forth my best effort to mend it.

And I'm Braving the mother fucking Wilderness. In my fine ass britches, bitches ✌🏽😂❤️