mini breakdown

 I broke down today.

I was in a moment and watched my opinion be ignored in real time. It broke me. It's still a little upsetting.

It wasn't even that it was this huge ordeal. But it was a tiny reminder that my voice isn't heard, what I think or believe isn't good enough, how I feel doesn't matter.

So I tried to suck it up and hold myself together. And I couldn't.

So I went to the bathroom and cried just a little. Then tried to suck it up. Didn't happen.

I finally just removed myself from the space and went to my room to actually bury my face into a shirt and cry.

Today, I honestly feel like shit. I feel really shitty. I feel like I'm never going to be where I should be in life. I feel like I'm always in a situation where I'm being dragged around. And I never ever go kicking and screaming..

And even though I'm crying again right now, I'm going to take my new therapist's advice (long story) and list some things I'm proud of myself for today.

1. I cooked and baked even though I didn't want to. I baked a difficult dish on top of that.
2. I didn't shut down even though I wanted to.
3. I updated my resume and posted it to two sites.

The more I think about it, the more I don't want to be a part of a team like the one I'm on now. Grown ass +40 year old women shouldn't be catty bitches who throw stones and hide their hands. I deserve better and I'm setting out to get just that.

It's scary. I'm terrified as fuck. But I'm gonna fucking try. I stick my neck out to try and help so many people all the time. It's time for me to help myself.

Fuck them, respectfully.

To the future me, if you ever get the guts to come back and read this, just know the you from today really tried to still make this shitty day count for something. Today, in a time where I would normally retreat and shut down completely, I gave myself time to feel my feelings and I took the first step at what's hopefully a good change.

I don't know. Hopefully you're doing better than you were today.

Today, sad and mad emotions weighed me down and I still put in the work to tip the scales with logic to make sure I made wise decisions. They were and are uncomfortable but I really do hope it pays off.